


Help me rest for a while

by blackie1991



Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Depression, F/F, Interspecies Relationship(s), LGBTQ Character, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Sex, My First Fanfic, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-10-18 01:12:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 59,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10606215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackie1991/pseuds/blackie1991
Summary: Ryder is only 22-years old . How could anyone expect her to bear all the responsibility of being a Pathfinder? The whole her world as she knew it was falling on her and she had a difficult time to find anybody to talk to. She just wish to rest and forget. That was not an option tough as everyone including her crew depended on her decisions. Maybe the crew was also an answer for her and she could find a soul mate who would give her so much desired strength and rest.This story is not only about Sara. It will follow the Pathfinder and her team and will focus on the emotional and personal side of the trip, the inner worlds of their own soul and self-development.





	1. No shit, Peebee

“No shit, Ryder…” Peebee squeezed her shoulder with sympathy.

“You really should not blame yourself. Archon is an ass.” She said quietly. _Not mentioning you died there as well_ – but these were only her thoughts. Sara was sitting on a couch in the com room away from everyone. They saved the Salarian Ark but it was with hard cost to come, guided by decision she needed to make.

She chose to save Raeka and her squad. It was the most logical choice, but she still felt like a piece of shit. Pathfinder’s life was important, especially the one as experienced as Raeka was. However, the glare Drack saved for her when they ran away from the lab, broke her heart to small pieces and not even Peebee could save the day with her friendly and joking nature. She had come to comfort her when others just decided to leave her alone and give her some space. The crew had a lot to process, although they heard only a part of the story. Sara asked Drack and Peebee, and even ordered SAM, to be quiet about her death. She needed to tell them only by herself. When she was ready. SAM assured her she was physically fit, so she planned to keep it from the doc as well.

Sara tried to distant herself from anyone anyway. Guilt was hunting her as the whole role of a Pathfinder lying heavily on her shoulders, today more than ever. But, Peebee did not buy it and was tracing her steps almost immediately after they boarded the ship again. She never thought twice about strings or boundaries of any kind. Peebee proved her relentless nature when they slept together in the escape pod serving as her bedroom. It was an escape of a kind and maybe she was offering it again. Sweet way to forget.

However, it was not what she needed right now. She could not run away from her own demons and Peebee was not a type of a person who could help with it or who she really wanted to have by her side right now. Their relationship was truly friends with benefits kind of type, but not more was in it. At least, that was what Sara believed. They did not let it to go further, which was something Sara was glad about actually. Peebee was sweet, but too much alike her and that was the problem. She really could not imagine to do more with her than “fool around”. Sara raised her hand and kindly touched Peebee’s cheek.

“I’m fine Peebee. You are kind though. I just need to rest. Wish to have your energy.” She tried to laugh, but it was too fake and she doubted Peebee was convinced. What surprised her that Peebee accepted it and let her go.

“Of course, Ryder. You look terrible.” Her honesty was refreshing, but still... Sara just smiled and stood up.

“Chat later, maybe?” Said she. Peebee jumped and gave her a kiss on her cheek. It was a friendly and playful one, maybe caring.. _._ This was one of those reasons, why Sara could not find a way to talk to her about anything personal. Everything seemed too playful. She smiled at her anyway.

“Ok, Ryder. Don’t let me wait too long though. If you don’t show yourself in the morning I’ll abduct you to the escape pod and make sure you don’t keep that depressed look on your face.” Peebee winked. Yes, exactly this relentlessness was the reason which made her smile but not to want more.

Still, she was thankful. Thankful to Peebee’s support and free nature. With those feelings she let her leave her alone… Her eyes found a way back to the never-ending mysterious Andromeda galaxy. Seeing the stars looking so peaceful and untouchable, the whole reality made her gut turn upside down. The guilt consuming her soul felt as unbearable as it could be. She managed to stand up only with all the strength let in her athletic body. She needed to escape, but somewhere else than to the Peebee’s arms. Her big bed was looking as the best option. She decided to take it from upstairs to avoid Drack or Lexi, actually to avoid anyone who would ask too many questions. Fortunately, she bumped into no one and managed to reach bed. Ryder did not even bother to ask SAM to lock the door and just fell on clean blankets. Sleep embraced her almost immediately.


	2. I'm here for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I could not stop myself from writing. Enjoy another short chapter here. :)

_Sara. Wake up._

“SAM… Let me sleep!” Sara mumbled to the pillow under her head.

_I apologise Sara, but you are not alone._

“What?!” Her body raised so fast that she nearly bumped the Asari doctor sitting beside her. Her mouth opened in a surprise which was also reflected in her face motion. It looked amusing. Lexi just raised one of her eyebrows watching this humorous act. Her arm raised and the light from the omni-tool made Sara to feel like a Guiney pig. Again. She could not hold an irritated sight leave her vocal chords.

“Doc please, just one time in a life of the universe, please, don’t scan me!” Yes, she was annoyed and so fucking tired. Doctor’s attempt to scan her at any occasion available made her furious in this moment.

Lexi noticed this abrupt change in Sara’s voice and stopped scanning her in the next following seconds. This was really a first time Sara nearly shouted at her. It left an uneasy feeling inside her stomach. Sara was obviously in a huge stress and the last mission must had affected her more than she admitted to herself. For a second Lexi did not know what to say, but her professionalism won over a shock.

“I was notified that you are experiencing certain… psychological difficulties.” Lexi said. Watching Sara like this made her voice shake and she needed to use a lot of strength to keep herself focused on her task. Sara was obviously broken. She could see it in her eyes.

“By whom?” It was the Pathfinder who raised eyebrows this time. Who notified Lexi? Maybe Drack? Maybe he had told Lexi what she did. All of that. No, he would not break his word towards her but he could inform Lexi about how she let his squad die before she could read her official report. Suddenly, she felt miserable again. Her voice was no longer aggressive, but quiet and sad. “Drack told you what happened, right?” She felt like shaking. The guilt was stealing oxygen from her lungs. Breathing seemed harder than before.

“No, Peebee stopped by and said you feel depressed. But, yes, I know what you needed to do.” She observed the difficulties Ryder had while she tried to say Drack’s name. She saw the tremendous pain in Ryder’s eyes and her own desire to touch her and comfort her pain filled her heart. It was so hard to watch Sara like this.

“Sara, it must be hard to believe, but Drack does not blame you. It was really not your fault.” She said softly, trying to make her voice sound as soft as possible. Unfortunately, it trigged completely different reaction in Ryder than she expected. Sara moved fast and stepped up from bed. She looked at her with anger.

“How can you say that Doc?! You weren’t there… I should have … I should have saved all of them!” Sara was shouting. The coolness she kept around the crew members totally faded away. Maybe it was the doctor’s profession which made her loose her temper. She was here for this reason, no? To be a punching bag for her when she needed, no? Lexi was a psychiatrist and she surely would not feel hurt. At least that’s how Ryder reasoned that angry reaction to her own mind. The fact she showed how much she was broke to Lexi and not to Peebee.

 _If I may, Pathfinder, calculations clearly show that saving everyone was not an option. Simply, there was not enough time._ SAM interrupted the conversation, so both Lexi and Ryder could hear his answer. Sometimes Sara hated his perfect logic.

“Thank you, SAM.” Said Lexi. Even if she was hurt she could hide it well. It was true she was never there on any mission Sara needed to go on. What Sara, however, did not know was how many hours and how many sleepless nights Lexi experienced while carefully searching through all the reports given to her by everyone. That consisted of the crew, technicians and especially the ones SAM sent to her after every mission.

“Sara, I might not be there with you, but I do understand your pain. You must, however, accept that there was no way of saving everyone. You needed to make a choice which would have affected even a veteran commander.” Said Lexi carefully.

“I doubt my father would feel this doc. I doubt it… I tried to think like him. What he would do… I made a logical choice and betrayed my friend.” That was it. She said it out loud. She betrayed Drack. Was she any better than Tann with his hate towards Krogans? She did not feel better. Tann praised her choice during a vidcom call, made it look worth a Pathfinder, but she could not get rid of a feeling that Tann was selfishly celebrating his victory over Kesh. Yes, Kesh. How in the world she could face her again? How she would face Drack? It was too much to bear. She really had trouble to breathe now. Her body was exhausted and her lungs started to hyperventilate.

Lexi noticed it before her body would truly come into a shock or even a panic attack. She quickly shortened the distance between them, and the Pathfinder could suddenly feel Lexi’s body close to her own, her hands embracing her in a tight hug. Lexi never made such a step or showed such a friendly gesture… But Sara was not even able to question why she did it. When she felt how Lexi’s hand pet her hair in a caring movement, tears just naturally started to water doc’s shoulder.

“It’s ok Sara. I’m here. I’m here for you.”


	3. Nothing personal, please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, and I still could not stop. I was thinking why Lexi actually denied such an innocent request from Sara in the beginning of the game. It did not really appear to me that she was that flirtatious. More like getting to know each other. So, this short chapter is devoted a bit to Lexi. Enjoy

Lexi was back at her office. She was completely exhausted from the past experience, but there were many documents on her table which needed her attention. It took nearly 40 minutes before she managed Sara to calm down and sleep again.

Lexi touched her shoulder. It was still wet from Sara’s tears. It bothered her more than she ever expected it could. Yes, she always cared for her patients, but honestly, none of them needed to bear such a weight as Ryder had to. Her brother was in coma, both parents were dead and no one on the Tempest really could ask her to relax. They were very worried about her too, she could tell, and even Peebee found a way to surprise her. Peebee usually avoided med-bay and scolded or provoked Lexi through intercom communication. But few hours ago…

***

“Hey, doc!” Peebee was standing nervously at the door looking as she had not decided yet whether to step in or not. Lexi was genuinely surprised, but as usual, she hid it behind her professional mask.

“Hello Peebee. How can I help you?” Data-pad jumped in her hand almost immediately which seemed made Peebee even more nervous.

“By the Goddess, can you put that thing down? I need to talk to you about Ryder.” Her mood swings were always abrupt so it had not shocked Lexi as the other aliens coming in contact with Peebee for the first time. She just sighted and put it down. A report could wait.

“I’m listening.” Said Lexi only while watching Peebee getting comfortable on one of the med-beds.

“Look doc…” Peebee breathed in heavily. “I’m sure you know what happened there. And it was some serious shit... and...” Her eyes had changed direction somewhere to the corner of the bed. Lexi did not know about Sara dying in that hole. It was terrible and Peebee felt dizzy every time the memory appeared in her mind. But, she promised to not say anything.

There was a long silence. Doctor T’Perro was patiently waiting, not knowing what was really going on in the Peebee’s head. When no words were uttered, she herself tried to push her to speak. “and…? Peebee?” She said very carefully and even caringly which made Peebee shout the answer at her.

“And she needs you, ok?!” Suddenly she realised she was shouting and calmed her voice down a bit. It was her own frustration and emotions mixing in the answer.

“She is fucked up doc and needs to talk to someone. I don’t know how to do it.” It was true. Peebee had no clue how to talk about serious business. She had a problem to do it with other aliens too. Before Lexi could say anything, Peebee was again at the door.

“Just go to see her doc.” Said Peebee in a very low tone. “Please, doc….” the last words were uttered almost in silence.

***

Yes, she went to see Sara right after Peebee had left. Her tone made her worried. Peebee was there with her on that damned mission. Lexi noticed that Ryder liked to take Peebee everywhere out with her. It was obvious they had constructed some kind of bound between each other although Lexi was not sure how serious it really was. Taking Peebee everywhere was surely a sense of security for Ryder. Seeing a close being in distress situations was exactly what she needed. However, when she saw how bad her condition really was, her own heart felt like in a cage. She was so worried that she overstepped professional boundaries she herself set up in the beginning of their relationship. It was right after Ryder had invited her for a date, that she promised to not get too personal with their new Pathfinder. Her own experience taught her to be especially careful with relationships of any kind, especially those which mixed with her job.

Despite that early attempt, Ryder never tried to approach her again. Lexi thought it was a good sign and their doctor-patient bound would be enough to do her job well. It was not the case though. Ryder did not come to her with anything apart from physical difficulties. Until today, she had never tried to seek her psychological help. Despite rejecting Ryder in the beginning before Ryder really could feel the weight of being a Pathfinder, she could understand it as a permanent blockade. She must had been already traumatised by what had happened to her father and brother. And another person forming restrictions surely made Sara feel more distant and lonely.

There was no one from the old acquaintances who let Sara in actually. Sara observed the distance Sara kept from everyone. She wanted to fight it with by her own, at least that is how Lexi perceived it and did not push. Cora was herself hurt by losing Alec as well as she felt partially betrayed.  She tried so hard to not let Sara feel her attitude, but it made their relationship a bit colder. Liam, although friendly and relaxed, was too much focused on the mission to be great buddy with everybody that he did not notice his own frustration. Sara, however, felt that he was suffering because nothing was going as it was expected. Surely, she did not want to bother him with her problems. And the last, Henry needed to stay at Nexus… So, the only familiar face she knew before getting bit closer with the new crew, was her, Lexi, her doctor, who chose professionalism above getting too personal. She even said no to the dinner despite it had not sounded as such a bad idea. Maybe Sara just sought someone familiar who could she lean to, not as a lover, but as a friend.

Lexi let her head rest on her palms. It felt so heavy and painful. She was selfish. She failed her Pathfinder, no, she failed Sara since the day one. She wanted to save her own feelings that she did anything than become too personal or friendly with her. Her exes in the past had seen it as an obstacle not capable of crossing. They hurt her every time she gave them a chance. Sometimes a chance to come back from death. She sighted… Lexi felt lonely too and was capable of understanding how deadly it could be for someone. And she nearly did it to Sara too. Not nearly, she really did it to Sara. Lexi would really have hated herself if she chose to give Sara some sleeping pills instead of really act as her friend today.  

Lexi was thinking about that rejected date. There was more selfishness in her rejection than Sara could ever imagine. It was not really because she was not into Humans, or not even because she was a patient. She perceived humans as actually beautiful and soft. It was because she promised to her own heart to save it from pain. Even if it meant to date species which did not die so easily or so young.


	4. We need to talk, kid

Peebee was somewhere near the Nomad searching for some components to upgrade her bot. It was two days after she asked Lexi to look after Ryder. She had not met her since then or fulfilled her promise to abduct her to her escape pod. It made her search more aggressive than usualy. She hated to keep that secret about Ryder’s death from everybody. Despite one foot out from any bounds with anybody, it was unfair to them. Plus, she was worried about Ryder and hated to think someone could hurt her beyond life. As she was wildly scrabbling out everything in her way she heard a voice behind her.

“Hey, blue kid.” Said Drack and he immediately needed to avoid some screwdriver flying towards him. He giggled in his lizard way. “Bad day?”

“For the last time, Drack. I’m not a kid just because I’m what a thousand years younger than you, old man?” Finally, she turned around and scanned him with her eyes. Drack looked ok and as a Krogan. Normal... Nothing strange. She could not even sense any distress. He obviously did not have a difficulty to keep Sara’s secret nor he looked angry for her choice. Sara really should had not worry about it.

“Maybe a thousand and three hundred, so it still makes you a kid.”

“Okay-okay, old dinosaur. What’d ya need?” She crossed arms on her chest and raised eyebrows.

“Look. I know you and Ryder are in some kind of a mating ritual for whatever reason.” He started and Peebee’s eyes literally jumped out of her skull.

“What’d you just said???”

“Fuck is good if you ask my opinion, kid. Not before a fight – it makes you too soft – but after? Good. Anyway, I want to know how’s Ryder.” Said Drack like he was just talking about some disgusting Krogan food. Peebee had no clue how this old lizard found out about the non-string-only-sex-type of relationship they had with Ryder. Maybe he could smell it with his animal-like nostrils. Maybe he tracked something after they were done. Like a dog could. Nevertheless, she felt very out of coolness right now.

“How the fuck you know, Drack?” Maybe a bad question on her side. She should had let the topic slide back to the mission and not to their share of liquids during certain activities.

“Heh... Humans are sooo easy to read. Especially those with a white or pink complexion of skin. Their colour change according to affection or a good fuck. And she was red in face like after walking a wild Varren out in the dark. But, her shirt was spotless.” Drack was enjoying her confusion and his victory in this small IQ test. “So enough of this bullshit, kid. Answer my question.”

“ She is… I don’t fucking know Drack. Go and ask her yourself.” Said she angrily. One good thing about Drack was that he had no such a big mouth like, for example, Jaal. He would surely tell everybody on the Tempest about his fascination by hers and Sara’s mating practices.

“She is avoiding me…” Said Drack looking very much annoyed. He was too old for this kind of drama and needed to return to action as soon as possible.

“That’s not my problem. You know where she lives, no? Simply knock and talk to her. She cannot possibly outrun you...” Said Peebee and with that she returned to her search. The truth was she was curious as Drack what is with Ryder and sought some connection. But, that was not her style. Ryder only communicated with everyone by email. They were on their way to Nexus to check upon the Salarian Ark, but that was all. Drack turned around and left. When she was sure the room was empty again she pushed her forehead towards a cold iron pillar. “Sara, don’t hide… Please…”

***

 

_Ryder… There is a visitor in front of your door._

Sara looked up from her data-pad although Sam was only in her head. It just felt natural that way.

“Who is it SAM?”

_Nakmor Drack, Ryder._

She felt like swallowing a big ball in her throat. With difficulties, she directed SAM to open the door.

“There you are Ryder... Laying here like a piece of shit.” He always knew how to make an entrance. Sara felt like knocked in bed just by his presence. She avoided him since that day when she decided to help Raeka instead of his scouts. Ryder breathed in heavily and stood up to face him. It was her responsibility. They were a team. a family. He was a friend she let him down.

“You think you can avoid me, but I am too big for that Ryder.” He got just too near Sara. They were now standing face to face. Drack looking at her with those lizard eyes. She never could guess what he really thought.

“I’m… I’m sorry Drack.” No, she could not stand that glare any longer and looked down at his feet. He was right to shout at her, to dishonour her, to leave her team and acknowledge her as a weak leader. “I did let you down… I’m sorry.”

Drack was staring at her for a long moment. His nostrils were widening and closing as being near some enemy he wanted to kill. Then he raised his hand and Sara felt like all the reflexes in her body told her to move, but she stopped them in instant. She stopped herself to do anything but accept everything from her friend. Drack moved his fist and poked her in the arm. That was the maximum affection a Krogan ever showed her and Sara immediately raised her eyes to him.

“We are ok, kid. Let’s go shoot some Kett butts and avenge our people.” They were in this mess together and Drack trusted her enough to call his people hers too. Sara started to laugh and raised her hand to Drack. They bumped their fists together in agreement and shouted a Krogan war cry. It was the most honest expression of their friendship they mutually respected and shared. And Sara would not exchange it for anything other in Andromeda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next stop - Nexus. Thank you for your Kudos and comments! I appreciate them all.


	5. I'm sorry, I died...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so Nexus is actually moved to the next chapter. There was a reason why I havent mentioned Sara's death after the Salarian mission. I changed the discourse a bit and the whole crew would need to deal with it in this (finally) a long chapter. Sorry for mistakes, it's 5 am. Enjoy.

There was a time to inform the crew about her death. Ryder needed time to recover her strength before she could tell them all what happened. It was another reason why she had difficulty to face Drack or Peebee since that day. They were there and they saw her die. It also made her betrayal of Drack feel even more serious in her own head. But that was passed now, and they had only two hours before reaching Nexus. She had her report ready for the Initiative. Before sending it, she started to type an email to the crew. She requested everyone, including Kallo and Suvi in the meeting room.

When Ryder reached the meeting point, everyone was already waiting. She looked around. Liam smiled at her supportively and so Jaal. Cora seemed impatient and Lexi looked tired and worried. Suvi and Kallo were standing next to each other, but Suvi in between Kallo and Gill. Typical. Surely they were fighting again. Drack showed his teeth in a silent support as saying  _you are fine kid_ , but Peebee was the only one looking at the floor and not at her. That realisation was truly distracting. Was she angry with her? Maybe. She decided to talk to her afterwards… Sara just coughed to clear her throat. How to tell your crew that you died?

“Ahem… Thank you all for coming. I know you are tired. Reaching Ark was a tiring experience. Meeting Archon was as challenging as fleeing from him. Two of you experienced it with me and I know they haven’t told you anything. Blame me, because I asked them to stay silent.” She could see that they did not really like those days of silence. No one interrupted her.

“We are reaching Nexus in two hours and I will send my report to the Initiative, but you were the first to know. Simply, Archon is an ass…” She heard Liam and Jaal chuckle and it made her smile. Even Cora smiled a bit and looked more relaxed. Peebee was still too silent, as well as Lexi.

“He is an ass and he….” she breathed in and then out. “Managed to kill me in a way, some would say.”  

Gill was the first of all to interrupt the shocked and terrifying silence. “What the fuck, Ryder? Are you a ghost or what?” Sara sadly smiled.

“SAM needed to kill me and I was, I think, dead for 10 seconds.”

 _16 seconds and a half Ryder._  Said the voice in the room. Not helpful. She continued before anyone could say anything.

“It was the only choice, because Archon strangled us in some kind of energetic field which reacted to our biometric conditions. He stopped my heart and then immediately started to revive it.” And it was out of her, finally. Carefully she raised her eyes on everyone.

“You are kidding Ryder. SAM should not have such an authority. What the fuck we would do without you? You were reckless!” Cora nearly jumped to Sara and punched her face if Liam would not try to stop her.

“In that case, you would take my position, Cora. That is the protocol.” Said she in a strict voice which surprised even her. “It was a huge risk I needed to take and if there was another choice I would make it!” Her voice was even stronger and now truly worth a leader. She stepped closer to Cora and looked her in the eyes.

“That’s why you are my second-in-command and look after everybody here. I cannot let you die next to me. You are the only future of the human ark if I really die. Do you understand?” Everyone was surprised by the act and Cora too. Sara knew that Cora could not forgive her for not taking her on the most dangerous missions. But now she should listen to the reason, HER reason.

“I…. I do… but you were reckless. Still.” Said she in a calmer tone and looked at the floor.

“I know, and I am sorry. To everyone.” Sara raised her eyes above again.

“She is a tough kid.” Said Drack protectively. “We would die there… Not only some, but ALL of us. And I’ll make sure that the Initiative knows about it and respects it.” His message was clear. He did not want anyone to blame Ryder. Not even for her choice to rescue Salarians over Krogans. Drack was convinced to tell the same thing to Kesh. Ryder was touched. Drack was the one who could blame her the most here and he still stayed by her side.

“Well, Ryder… just keep it cool for the next time, yeah?” Said Liam and punched her in the arm. She smiled… Liam was Liam.

“It was an honourable sacrifice, Sara. And it will be remembered. My people will know that you are capable of reaching beyond your life. But, personally, I wish that you’d not try to do this again.” Said Jaal touching his chin and thinking about the situation. Sara was glad he spoke. They had become quite close in the recent weeks. He opened up after she saved their beloved Moshae. She considered him as a close friend. There were still some boundaries, of course, but she liked to have him around.

When she traced the room for another comment, she realised that someone was missing. Lexi was no longer there. She started to bite her lower lip. This was what she was afraid of. It must had been a blow to her, as her doctor, especially after that friendly affection she showed her in her room when Sara was broken. Why she had a feeling that the two and only Asari women on this ship had a current urge to punch her??? That thought came to her mind when she noticed how Peebee was holding her hand in a tight fist. Finally, she raised her eyes towards Sara.

“You are an ass for making us so worried.” Everyone in the room looked at her in surprise. Peebee was usually joking about everything so this was a shock. Well, not for Drack maybe. He was the only one who knew about their secret “mating” relationship. Peebee raised her hand and pointed a finger at Ryder.

“I will kick that pretty ass of yours if you won’t take Poc with you next time on a mission. Or you forget to charge your shield, or you let someone to kill you again… Do you copy, you fucking reckless Pathfinder?” Her lips were shaking and she was absolutely serious. Peebee needed to hide this feeling inside her for three days. Sara ignored her and had not contacted her. She deserved all of it.

“I promise I won’t die again. And... thank you for supporting me there and here.” Sara smiled. It was again her typical relaxed smile which made Peebee to back up with her anger. Sara was better. She looked better. Lexi helped her and Peebee was glad. That was important. She was alive and her heart was carrying the weight better.

“Pshaa. You’ll need to work very hard to get my attention back, Ryder. My fame is built on recklessness, so don’t try to steal it again. Clear?” Ryder nodded obediently and some of the crew laughed on the joke. They did not expect anything as Peebee flirted with everyone. It never meant anything in a long run. Jaal was still red in the face when Liam irritated him with a question whether he already asked Peebee to show him some Asari mating practices.

 

***

 

Everyone dealt with it better than she thought. Even Peebee. It seemed so at least. So, Sara did not worry that much about her. She trusted that a drink in the Vortex would be enough for Peebee to forget her. Sara clicked to send her report. She still had approximately 1 hour before they reached Nexus. There was one more person who she needed to deal with. Lexi.

She stood up from her computer and looked at the small SAM near her.

_Your stress levels are raising, Sara. Do you need medical attention?_

“Well, SAM, I am going to get it, but, I’m actually worried that I won’t survive the encounter.” She sighted.

_Doctor T’Perro hasn’t left the med-bay, Sara. She locked the door. Do you wish me to encrypt it?_

“Yes, SAM, please. I need to talk to her. I know she must be angry with me, but, when I reach the door just open it and close it behind me. No one on the board needs to know how Lexi kills me, ok?”

 _Of course… Good luck, Pathfinder._  The word Path-finder looked as a joke to her now. It did not seem she was very successful with finding the good paths until now.

***

Sara reached the med-bay. She was nervous, but it was important that she was on good terms with everyone on the board. They were a team and Lexi… She did something special for her these few days. After that crying night, Lexi had come to check on her more often than usual. She seemed more relaxed and even used her scanner less to find out whether she was ok. Sara enjoyed this side of Lexi. Open, caring and friendly. She felt like she could talk to her nearly about anything. The barrier between them fell and Sara needed it to stay that way.

Sara started to bite her lower lip. This was completely unfair towards Lexi. She should have told her about that dying experience, but, she was not sure she had processed it herself that time.

“Ok, SAM, open the door.” The door clicked and she entered. SAM listened to her request and closed it immediately behind her.

What was waiting for her was a fast movement, quick reaction and a strong slap by a blue hand on her cheek. Lexi was strong and it made her loose her balance for a moment as it happened so fast. Lexi was breathing fast. Sara never saw her so angry as now.

“YOU.” Lexi was staring directly to Sara’s eyes. It nearly knocked her to the door. Good that they were sealed.

“How dare you come to enter my privacy after that. HOW DARE YOU come by yourself. You think you have a right to just enter my room?” She pointed a blue finger at her and pressed it against Ryder’s chest. Sara’s heart was racing fast. This was a side of Lexi she did not know. Those flames in her eyes made her loose air out of lungs. How could she thought of her as so fucking sexy when she was obviously hurt? But maybe that was the thing. She thought that the doctor had her professional distance and nothing could get to her that easily.

“I don’t sleep at night to keep you alive, and then you let your own SAM kill you and I find out after 3 days??? How could you even think it was a good idea to hide it from me???” Lexi was shouting and Sara got back to the reality very fast.  This Lexi was truly worried. She did not know she sacrificed her night sleep like that.

“Lexi… I am very sorry.” She said, feeling Lexi’s hand burning on her cheek like an ignited fire. “I am truly sorry, but I couldn’t tell you before telling it to everybody. It would not be fair.”

Lexi felt like slapping her again would make her feel better. She even grasped part of Sara’s jacket and it seemed that she would finally realize her words _I can broke bones just as well as I can mend them._ But her threats disappeared, she was only holding her jacket somewhere close to her chest.

“You idiot! You risked your own life just because of some ritual of fairness? I am your doctor! It was absolutely reckless!”

“Lexi… You scanned me and did not notice anything.  And, SAM was having my vitals under control.”

“SAM? You are serious, Ryder? The same set of codes which stopped your heart?” She was still shouting.

_If I may interrupt, it was never my intention to kill Sara, Dr T’Perro. I wouldn’t be able to exist without her. I am sorry if I caused you any distress._

Obviously, it was not enough for Lexi… She seemed distressed more than ever and it was Sara who needed to do something unexpected. Ryder kneeled in front of the doctor. It looked more like Justiciars ritual of a promise, but more personal. Ryder closed her eyes and only slightly touched Lexi’s belly with her forehead. This was almost animalistic, similar when animals show their bellies, their most unprotected parts of themselves, to show trust and devotion. Sara offered her head, her neck, seeming completely vulnerable.  

“I am truly sorry Lexi… Please, forgive me… I cannot do this without you. I need you.” She started to talk to a speechless Asari, while staring at her feet.

“I cannot be ok with only professional distance and cold greetings in the hallway. I cannot take and live with a feeling you are still angry with me and close yourself to me like before. I want to know more of that Lexi who was not afraid to be closer to me.” Sara was afraid. This came out of her heart. Lexi meant so much for her although she could not identify what it was specifically. But it felt in place when they were talking, it felt in place when she hugged her and, mostly, she really felt natural talking to her about her pain. Loosing this side of Lexi she was willing to show her and share with her, would kill Sara inside. She felt too vulnerable in this job, this task and mission of being a Pathfinder. Sara really needed her. Like that. Friendly, less professional and more open. Ryder needed it natural and was terrified Lexi would take it from her because of that betrayal. Yes, another betrayal in a one week.

Lexi was speechless looking at her Pathfinder kneeling in front of her. She felt like a Goddess of a kind when Sara begged her for forgiveness. Lexi’s lips were shaking, her anger was somewhere in a place she could not touch again and her insides, her soul and heart, were muted and at the same time shouting. What the hell was Sara doing? Why she was begging? She was just a doctor. Her doctor. Doctor who should be there for the Pathfinder in any circumstances.

Sara’s words were resonating in her deeply. The woman in front of her was really terrified of losing her friendship. No one has ever asked for her forgiveness in such a devoted and vulnerable manner. She was touched and felt like something wet is cruising her cheeks. Lexi raised her hand and slightly touched Sara’s hair. She did not want Sara to look up and see her crying. It took a moment to find strength to talk.

“I forgive you, Sara…” And  _thank you_. Those words only resonated in her head. Suvi’s voice interrupted their moment informing everyone that the ship was going to dock at Nexus in 10 minutes.


	6. When the past hunts you...

Sara was happy to be finally out of the ship. She was sure that everyone needed a day off. The docks looked livelier than ever. The first person she recognised was Vetra leaning on the rail and looking at the Tempest. There were still some bandages on her arm. During the time, they were saving her sister, Vetra was not very careful. She tried to get to her too fast and was reckless. Her wounds were serious and needed to stay on Nexus for a while. Despite her protests, Sara made her decision and Vetra did not have any other choice than to follow a direct order. Tann’s voice was surrounding the station through the radio and was greeting new Salarian incomers. His voice was cheerful and happy. No wonder. Ryder was not looking forward to meet him any time later. She was sure that an urge to punch him would feel as too much a sweet thought to realise. Vetra was the one who interrupted her thoughts.

“Hey, Ryder!” She smiled. At least it looked like a smile. Turian mandibles codified their face expression into quite complex gestures for a human to decode. It was sometimes difficult to say what actually was a smile. Sara walked towards her. She missed Vetra.

“How are you Vetra? Is your wound ok? We need you back on board soon. Gil is giving Kallo a hard time and you seem to be the only one to keep them calm.” Vetra laughed. She raised her hand and pat Sara on her back. Their relationship changed and it seemed that Vetra enjoyed her stay on Nexus. Maybe because they had so much to discuss with her sister.

“Don’t worry Ryder. You’re not gonna leave without me this time. I need to make sure that you don’t kill yourself.” Said she. Sara was surprised that Vetra’s tone was playful and not scolding.”

“You know... of course, you know. I’ve sent an official report.” Sara sighted.

“Well, you should have seen the mess afterwards. Addison was shouting on everyone and Tann was nearly planning to strip you of the Tempest. It was Kesh who actually saved the day.” Sara’s eyes darkened and looked at the Tempest. Maybe Drack already contacted her. Vetra continued.

“Kesh kicked Tann’s but and he flew few metres away. I have never seen her so angry. She was shouting at both and looked like she would blastthem both out of the window.” It was truly a comical situation for Vetra but Sara did not laugh. The whole issue was affecting her heavily. Suddenly she felt Vetra’s hand on her shoulder.

“Ryder, calm down. I know why your mood is completely under the weather. Kesh was angry with Tann. Raeka talked to her about what happened there. She told her that you saved all of their lives and what choice you needed to make. You did it right Ryder. Raeka is beloved leader and a diplomat. Kesh respects her which is a lot to say.” Ryder was looking at Vetra thankfully. She could not even realise how much this meant for Ryder. To know that Kesh was not blaming her. Maybe Vetra knew because she poked her and hug her with one arm.

“You are hell of a human, Ryder. I would give anything to see Archon’s face when you stole the whole ark and the artefact from him.” They both laughed.

 

***

Dr T’Perro walked into the Harry’s apartment. He was already waiting for her with some fresh coffee. She smiled. Harry was her only ground in this mess. She was grateful that unlike many aliens here, she had a good friend who was safe here and waiting for her when she needed.

“Harry…” said she softly and sat on the couch.

“Good to finally see you, Lexi.” Harry sat opposite to her. He knew she had come to talk. What happened to Ryder was disturbing and surely affected Lexi’s psyche tremendously. He knew her for quite a long time. She was always devoted to her work, cared for her patients… She was fragile too and many overestimated her strength. Lexi was as vulnerable as any other being. He knew that.

“I’m glad to see you too…” that was all she could say … there was so much she just wanted to ask to talk about but she did not know how to start.

“I know Lexi…” He poured her some coffee from thermos and looked at her... His eyes were scanning her face and all the worries he knew too well.

“I know…. what happened… How are you.. you know.. coping?”

Lexi raised her eyes on him… “I don’t know Harry. The past three days were too confusing. Ryder was broken… I had let my guard down… I was too open and then I found out… She lied to me to all of us about it…. I don’t know…” Her eyes were starting to get wet. No, she did not want to cry. Not now.

“What do you mean you let your guard down Lexi?” Harry’s fantasy was working fast, but his mind was still clear and ready for anything she needed to say.

“I hugged her. She cried a lot. I refused to ask and demand the details for the report just acted as a friend not a doctor and that was a mistake. What if.. what if … she had complications and was too late because I….” Tears started to fall. She could not stop them. What made her terrified that for her mistake she would die. Because she was too soft on her and forgot to act according to her job. That was why she could not be close to her patients. Not after what happened so long time ago in the past.  She felt Harry’s touch on her shoulder. She did not even realise when he had come so close.

“Nothing happened Lexi. You did well. Sara needs more than just someone keeping her alive. I know that girl since she was a small child you know. And, I know you long enough to understand your fears. There is nothing to feel guilty about Lexi. You did a good job.” Said he softly watching her. He was honest. He knew about Lexi’s past experiences and life was not fair to her. It was nearly cruel. He was actually glad she let Sara to get to her more. He should not be her only friend. Lexi looked at him and smiled.

“You are too good a friend to me Harry. But I still think I was the one who was reckless. Just because I was…”

“You were worried about her. I get it Lexi… You care for her more than you want to admit. I can see that.” Yes, he could see that. Lexi was never shaken in such an extent by a possibility of some of her patients’ death. She really cared for Sara which made him glad that he let Lexi stay at the Tempest. Sara was in good hands.

“But she is… so stubborn.. That was stupid of her.. right?”

“Yes, it was Lexi… It was stupid decision but you should forgive her.” Lexi sighted and hugged herself… She felt very weak.

“I already did…” Said she in a very quiet voice. She turned to Harry and told him what Sara did in her room. That symbolic of kneeling touched her deeply and Harry could see how her eyes changed when she described the act. It surprised even him. He would never expect that Sara would try something so ritualistic. Being a pathfinder surely changed her and made her more mature and grown up. Something was going on here and it was even beyond a friendship. Surely none of them realised the presence of something else growing in their hearts.

“That is not.. like Sara…”

“No one ever did anything like that in my life, Harry. and I am nearly 276 years old.” Her tears already dried and she just took her coffee to get some strength from it. Yes.. No one in her long life had ever did something so romantic. It was romantic definitely, despite the fact Sara wanted to save only their friendship. Still it touched her deeply.

“Not even my exes.. And you know that… for some of them I had let my doors open.. They used me… Even Victoria betrayed me… She let me…“ She put her coffee down and looked at Harry with some unsaid question.

“She was the only human you’ve been dating.” Harry knew. Lexi loved her but Victoria was killed… by Lexi….

She was a botanist and had an illness which was only typical for humans… Her bones were too weak and could break too easily. Victoria never told Lexi how serious her illness was and Lexi loved her too much to pressure or try to cure her by herself. She simply respected her wish and because of love did not listen to her medical instincts.

Once they had a fight, very bad fight and Lexi’s biotic got loose. Normally it would only cause some scratches but that would imply only on a human in a full health and without osteoporosis in such a high stage. Vicki’s bones cracked like thin matches and a long chest bone stabbed her heart. Death was instant and there was nothing Lexi could do. It devastated her beyond any pain she ever experienced. This was the origin of her saying  _I can brake bones just as well as I can mend them._


	7. Blue like the Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, comment and let me know how you like it until know. I know I am leaving game canon quite a lot, but I am just writing as the story wishes to unravel itself. This chapter is only Sara and Lexi. :) enjoy

Scott was still in a coma. That was the news from Harry and it did not help to cheer her up. At least he was stable. Sara was standing in front of the SAM Node and thinking. SAM told her that there is a new memory waiting for her to unravel. She was curious and at the same time resistant to the knowledge her father prepared for her. Why all that hiding? She remembered Lexi mentioned something like  _maybe he wanted you to be ready_. But ready for what? She sighted and walked in. The room was darker, light coming only from SAM. The blue colour, however, reflected a different figure near him. It was Lexi, talking to the SAM Node.

“I apologise SAM for calling you a set of codes. I didn’t mean it. I was just worried.” Said Lexi looking at the shape which resembled a human heart.

 _I know, Dr T’Perro. I apologise for causing you any distress._ SAM’s voice was now the only one resonating in the room.

There was a console next to SAM which was being set up to welcome another artificial intelligence. The one Sara saved on Voeld. She made Angara angry with that decisions, but Sara felt differently for those like SAM in a way. They were not a simple technology. They were her equal… and SAM, he was a friend. She did not take him only as a device. SAM knew that as well. He always tried to make Profile transitions with the outmost care to her body.

She was observing Lexi looking at SAM. This place was familiar. She still remembered a touch of Lexi’s hand when she nearly died and her voice shouting  _TAKE HER TO THE SAM NODE_ … it saved her life. She was there than, informing her that taking SAM from her body would kill her instantly. Being with her in the same room felt like déjà vu.

Lexi turned and Sara could see her face, her skin reflecting all the shades of blue in the room. Sometimes she felt that Asari were truly daughters of the Universe. Their skin being a part of its never-ending cycle covered by small stars. For Sara, they were perfect and one of the most beautiful creatures, the Milky way galaxy could give birth too. Suddenly, she felt like in love. Lexi was so beautiful. Her white dress only emphasised the aura of magnificence with which she filled the space. She was looking at her silently, possibly shocked by the Sara’s presence in the room. Ryder felt strong urge to touch her, to explore that star-like skin, to kiss those blue lips and tender her shapes with her fingers. They were only few steps apart but it felt like miles away. She wanted to say aloud how beautiful she was, but could not move or utter a word.

Lexi was similarly strangled from any movement or speaking. She did not expect Sara to come here and it was hard for her to react after that incident in the med-bay. She was still touched by what Sara did and said, how she expressed her feelings. How she just wanted her forgiveness as her whole survival depended on it. And now, she was there, staring at her in a strange manner. Sara’s eyes were deep and she could feel like cold shivers were running through her body. She knew this look. After 275 years, she knew it quite well. And that terrified her. Sara wanted something from her. Something she could not give her. But, why she was so silent? Lexi wanted to scream. It was so hard to focus on anything in particular when those blue eyes scanned every part of her body. It was nearly as feeling her fingers on her skin.

Asari were sensitive to energy. Their biotic capabilities were developed on that basis. That they could gather energy in the space and form it into a deadly field. But, that was the violent form the energy could take. Asari could also sense a change of intensity. Sara’s energy was reaching her like an invisible embrace and slightly touching her own personal aura. It was like making love through comm. The interaction minimised on fantasy and desire for the other being. No touching, only dreaming and focusing own energy on the other. Yes, Lexi felt that focus on her body in this manner. Surely, Sara did not realise how strong her energy was. How seductive… Lexi’s soul was shaking like a little bird in a cage. It was vulnerable to this seduction, it sought tender touch and care. Ryder had no clue how vulnerable Lexi’s heart was. How many times it needed to break before she completely closed it from others and focused its passion only on work. Because of Victoria, because of disrespect… Yes, Ryder had no idea and despite the unknown, she found a way how to touch it through every barrier Lexi built over those long years.

It could be seconds, it could be minutes they were standing and only looking at each other. SAM did not try to interrupt the conversation, but it was Lexi’s body which finally moved. Her lips were shaking. It took enormous amount of energy to resist this calling and temptation to be loved, even if it would be only for a moment… She walked towards Ryder and looked at her. Lexi could only smile. It was a weak smile trying to say hello without words, because words would make her scream. Lexi walked further…

Now there had come the second where Lexi was passing next to Ryder to the exit. Ryder still could not move, she felt Lexi being the only substance in the room. Her body nearly followed her automatically. But the only part which moved was her hand. Only slightly, her fingers touched for a less than a second Lexi’s hand. It nearly looked like an accident. Accidental touch. But it felt like explosion for that short period of time. Sara closed her eyes to digest the chemistry moving through her veins.

Lexi left the room, but she could still feel her presence. Inside her heart.


	8. Something is rotten on Nexus. Maybe it’s me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments. The story is becoming a bit complex, but life is never easy so are relationships. So I hope, that you will still enjoy. You might need to wait for something more intimate and hardcore later :D  
> Thank you and enjoy

Sara was walking through the hall of habitation quarters. She was deeply in her thoughts. Thinking not only about her mom’s goodbye but also about the encounter with Lexi in the SAM Node. The whole world around her was invisible. It happened that she had not realised that another body bumped into her. It was a stranger, someone unknown, but the face of a stranger looked at her annoyed. It was a woman with short hair and a kind of frustrated look. “I’m sorry. I haven’t see you.” Said Sara.

 “That’s ok…. wait… you are the pathfinder!” Sara nodded and in the same moment she regretted that she did. The woman looked at her with anger so intense that she wanted to step back.

 

“You are the reason why my family is still stuck here in the Cryo!”

 

“Hej.. wait calm down… will you?” Tried Sara with a calm voice.

 

“No. I won’t!  You are the one who made a call to send a research team on Eos, the most habitable planet. My family is not under that schema.”

  
“I am sorry for your family… but they are alive, they will come. Don’t worry… I have lost nearly everyone, think about it.” She really tried to resolve this peacefully.

 

“Fuck your problems, pathfinder. I don’t care. There is no guarantee that you will succeed, but it was your father’s idea to come to this “golden world”. I can be killed before my family is allowed to wake up.”

 

“I am… I am truly sorry…. I” but the woman interrupted her.

 

“I don’t care. Kiss the Iniciative’s ass with your sorry. You will hear about me again!” And with that good morning attitude the woman had left.

 

Some people in the room kept staring at Sara. She could feel that there were more of those who agreed with the woman’s words. She felt isolated more than ever. When she was here and not there, risking her life, they perceived her as wasting time. Their time. The time they had not spent with their family… Their loved ones, their kids…

She felt miserable. She felt again the pressure pushing her down to the floor. No one seemed to care how hard it was to bear such expectations on her young shoulders. Those eyes around her were pushing her back to the empty space of the Andromeda galaxy to save them, their hopes, their futures. There were still Turian and Asari arks to find. Still other planets to explore, and Meridian to be found, which the so-called leaders did not see as the best interest for the Initiative. She needed to escape. She needed a drink. Yes. Something which would knock her out for another century. If she was lucky enough.

***

She chose the darkest corner in Vortex. There was a bottle of some mixture in front of her. She wanted to drink so much, but at the same time she could not. The ball in her throat was too big to swallow. She felt depressed and alone. She nearly died, she killed so many like never before, she betrayed her friends, let many died too…. No one cared. The Initiative leaders exploited her like those who were bleeding next to her.

Nexus did not feel like a home, nor Eos, nor Voeld… Tempest was the only place where she felt accepted. Where she felt as a part of a complex system of symbiosis. No, that was bullshit. They were not perfect, they were a living society in that small space. And, they were her family. Did those people around realise that someone bled for them like this? That there could be any moment she was forced to sacrifice someone of her crew? Her family? Her soul was slowly rotting under the weight of this realisation. Why she should fucking care about anyone here? What they have ever done for her? She grasped the metal glass and tried to splash those thoughts away by the strong drink. Ryder knew that she would put her life into the front line, that she would easily ask SAM to kill her again, if that would save at least one extra life. She was tired of seeing people dying around her. Killing herself was easier.

“Hey you!” she recognised a familiar voice and her eyes met with the green ones. She smiled. Peebee really had some sixth sense to find her when she was the most miserable.

 

“Hey you too” Ryder repeated their common greetings. Peebee sat next to her on a couch and did not try to avoid close contact at all. It made Sara not to think for a moment of restrictions, boundaries, anything similar.

 

“You look as bad as Vorcha’s ass, Ryder. What’s wrong?” Peebee invited herself into the Ryder’s personal space and tried the drink on the table. Ryder did not mind.

 

“I feel like that. It’s a good comparison must say….” Said Ryder… “I just met someone who isn’t a part of my fanclub for sure. A very pissed off woman.”

 

“Sooooo, that is bothering you that much that you are drinking this …. this something... here?” Peebee looked at her. Obviously, she did not like the substance at all. Sara just nodded. “yeah... exactly.”

 

“Oh, come on Ryder, you are better than this… lets do something crazy, you will forget everything…”

 

“I don’t know, Peebee. I’m really not in the mood. But it’s nice you care.” Said she and touched her hand. She just needed to feel a friendly touch. It made Peebee a bit nervous and looked at Ryder with sad eyes. However, it took only a moment and Peebee used the intimacy to stand up and pull Sara to her from that dirty couch.

 

“I don’t care what you want, you are going with me. No one needs to see you here drinking cheap stuff. Come with me. Plus, you still owe me for that charade played on the crew after you died.” That one last sentence silenced all the protest Ryder had prepared. Yes, she owed Peebee. They still did not have a chance to talk about it. Sara followed Peebee right to her apartment. She just pushed Ryder in and closed the door behind them.

“I have some nice one here, you will like it” Said she and started to search the cabinet. Her apartment was still in a mess. After Kalinda incident, she never visited this place again and did not have a chance to explore it thoroughly. Peebee did not seem to be a very order-type of a person. But that was not anything new. She walked to the couch and sat down. It took only a minute and some glass with a red substance was in front of her nose.

“Here, take it and drink” Sara took it and smelled it. Wine! she could not believe Peebee had some human wine here hidden in this mess. Sara tried it and moaned with pleasure. It was truly a good year, something which reminded her of Earth.

“Thank you, Peebee. This is really something, unexpected.” Peebee smiled. It was a smile so innocent and so honest that Ryder smiled too. She really liked Peebee. She seemed so simple, so loyal and honest in her comicality.

 “Ah… you are melting my heart, Ryder. Don’t do it or I’ll make you pay a high price for this taste of pleasure.” Said Peebee and put her glass down. She grasped Sara’s glass and put it on the table as well.

“You made me so worried, Ryder” She looked at her with the same look she had on the Tempest that day Sara informed everyone about her death. Sara looked directly in her eyes.

“I know, Peebee. I am sorry for that. You were there for me and it means a lot.” She smiled but something was not right here. Peebee’s eyes were wet and a single tear started its way to Peebee’s cheek bones. Sara raised her hand and gently wiped it. “I am so sorry, Peebee… I promise I’ll not die again.”

 In that moment, Peebee cut the distance between them and kissed Sara. It was a hungry one, kiss full of desire and need of her. It filled Sara with immediate pleasure, because the contact made her feel needed but not in the same way every other being on the Nexus needed her. This was without expectations. It was a kiss to heal two lonely souls.

Sara returned it and pressed Peebee on the couch with her body. Maybe Peebee was not someone she could imagine to fix those big holes in her heart, but she was there for her and was sharing the pain with her. That was enough for now. Feeling her warm body underneath her felt right. She perfectly understood the no strings philosophy and how it could be helpful in the short run. Yes, this was a short run. Nothing was certain and they could die any time, any day.

Peebee had realised it when she saw Ryder on the floor without a sign of life in her body. She felt so helpless and so lost. In that moment, she realised how much she needed Sara to be even her Pathfinder. Pathfinder of her own happiness. It was not about strings, still. Peebee’s heart felt too broken from Kalinda’s appearance last time. But these moments she stole from Ryder, filled her with strength to go on and be herself. To be prepared to jump there for Ryder, if she needed her. And, she felt Ryder needed it too. Someone to embrace during a cold Andromeda night.

 

Their kissing intensified and Peebee let Ryder to explore her body as she desired. Sara unbuttoned Peebee’s jacket and touched gently Peebee’s breasts. She was beautiful. It was a beauty of an Asari she fantasised about just two hours ago. She slowly moved her hand from Peebee’s body, up to the neck and to her cheek. Peebee laid her head into that touch so loyally.

“You are so beautiful, Peebee.” She said it with passion although in Sara’s heart was a struggle. These words she wanted to say to another Asari on this ship, who she saw embracing all the shades of blue. This was only a short-term cure for her desire, but she appreciated it as much. Peebee kissed her hand.

“Don’t compliment me too much Ryder, I don’t want to fall for you.” Said she playfully and Sara smiled. Yes, Peebee understood that she did not own her heart. She just said it in her own way. Sara was not sure whether Peebee really felt it, but she cared for her as much to express it. Sara loved her in her own way and she planned to provide Peebee with all that she desired. With that commitment in her own heart, Sara kissed the Asari’s lips promising her as many warm nights as they would need for their own survival.


	9. Fuck them all… I’m not doing this for them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 5 am again. And I will only say, enjoy :) I did while writing this.

They had spent together two wonderful hours. Sara felt proud to make Peebee come three times and watched her rest in her lap. She enjoyed touching her face, lips and her neck while she was resting. However, it was not to last long, because this was not a relationship, these were only moments of survival and she needed to go. With a kiss she took her clothes, dressed and left the room. There were things she needed to do before sleep and shops were not open for long anymore. She felt refreshed, her head was clear and she knew what was right to do. Peebee reminded her how life could be precious and that there were too many people who cared for her. Fuck that angry woman. Fuck Tann, Addison, fuck even Evfra and his constant criticism of her doing… Fuck whole Nexus and whole Andromeda galaxy.

She did not own anything to them. Only Angara she cared about was Jaal… Only Krogans she would protect were Kesh and Drack….  Only humans she felt the same race as were those in her Crew: Cora, Liam, Suvi, Gil, and of course, Scott… Only Salarian who she would give her life for was Kallo... Only Turians she believed in were Vetra and her sister…. and only two Asari she would ever love were Peebee and Lexi…. They were all her family and her blood… In this moment, she promised herself to find a new home and a new start only for them and for nobody else. And whole Initiative should feel small and terrified if they ever tried to shake this belief and her motivations. Not everyone on this fucking ship was worth or made her feel she herself was worth dying for. Only this small group of aliens.

With this strength, she felt invincible. Her new version of herself looked at the seller and smiled. It was time to repay some debts. Literally…

 

***

The Tempest was silent. It was a reason why Dr T’Perro sought its calming silence. Everyone was outside celebrating recent victories. They were small, but important for the hope to stay at Nexus. They rented apartments and enjoyed what a night could offer to them.

Not Lexi. After finishing helping some patients at the Cryo Bay, she finally had some time for herself to think. To think about Sara’s death, her plead, her stare at the SAM node. Too many things were happening this week and she did not have time to process any of them at all. Embracing her body with her own arms she was silently walking through the halls of the Tempest to her own sanctuary at the Med-bay. When she walked in happily that she made it, her body froze.

Ryder was at her desk doing something. She was so focused on her task that she had not noticed the sound of the door. What was she doing here? Why they were constantly bumping in each other? Her mouth opened to utter a warning, but no sound escaped her lips. It felt like they exchanged roles and it was Lexi’s turn to silently observe Ryder in a space familiar to both. She smelled Ryder being fresh from a shower, wearing only simple t-shirt and pants, looking too comfortable.

She knew that body well. Her scans, eyes and sometimes her hands explored it. Position of every scar, gunshot or burn was in her head like a map. There was not a place of Sara’s body doc would not have had known. And still… She remembered with what intensity Ryder’s energy touched her body and her soul few hours ago.

It was a sensation she could feel a long time ago. Something like a forbidden fruit in a Biblical mythology. Something she desired but would cause her permanent exile from the paradise. Her profession of studying alien anatomy always came with researching their sociology and history. It was a part of her job, but now her own life felt like a chapter from some book about human mythology and legends. It was, maybe, because she was there once in that paradise with a human, forbidden, exiled because she killed. Killed someone she loved so deeply. That day she promised herself to be more careful, to be distant to anyone who would die so easily. She felt charmed by Drack for a while, because he proved to survive the Krogan Genophage and so many battles that he was almost invincible. Like a mythical god who could never ever die as long as someone believed in him. But Drack thought too much about Kesh and his people. Too much that there was no space for an Asari doctor, so she let that thought fly away very fast. Moreover, Drack was not the one and only member of the Tempest Crew who had made her whole inside shiver like a small animal in a cage. It was this 22 years old young woman, a human, and her pathfinder. She decided to stop this silence and coughed to get Ryder’s attention.

Sara nearly jumped after she was disturbed by the Lexi’s coughing. She quickly turned to her and tried to hide whatever was behind her back with her own body.

“Ah, Hello doc..! I haven’t expected you here.. now… while on Nexus.. well.. you know..” She looked confused or, was she blushing? Lexi stepped a bit closer.

“Ryder, what are you doing here?” One of her eyebrows raised up trying to see what she was hiding behind her.

“Don’t make me create a biotic barrier in my room. It seems you are too comfortable to enter this place anytime without my permission.” Her voice was strict and it was easy to hide behind this professional strictness.

“I am sorry, doc. Yeah.. Hmm” She curiously explored Lexi’s face. This was unexpected. She thought that her surprise would stay a surprise.

“What are you hiding there?” She was closer but kept her distance from Sara’s intimate space.. Lexi crossed her arms on her chest and showed impatience.

“Nothing important... Really… Just hmm… a bit of gratitude. For…” this was truly an unpleasant feeling Sara felt intensifying in her stomach.

“Gratitude for what?” Now, Lexi felt truly impatient and at the same time a bit curious. Sara brought her a gift? She felt urge to step closer and look. Rather she leaned on one side to see. The angle was not enough to show her the mystery.

“For … for being here for me.” Said she at last. She stepped aside and revealed a pot with a beautiful white plant which resembled an Earth Lily. Lexi was speechless. This flower, how Sara got it, and why? She forgot about her presence and walked closer to the plant and softly touched the long white petal. It was vibrating in-between her fingers.

“How did you….” She looked at her truly surprised…

“Harry told me once you like the Earth lilies… and I was fortunate enough that the Nexus botanist had specimen of many plants of the Milky Way flora… so a bit of bargaining and then a bit of science in the lab to make it grow within 1 hour…. and… viola!” Said Sara too fast and too nervously.

“It seems that helping others make bargaining quite an easy job… Heh…” She tried to smile but could not look directly at Lexi. Sara was sure that Lexi must had thought of her as being mad and crazy for wasting time and resources for such a useless thing.

Lexi was staring at Sara, she was listening to her whole explanation and could not believe it. She went through so much trouble to get her a white lily? Why? The thought of a forbidden fruit immediately crossed her mind and she needed to lean with one hand on the table to not fall on the floor. The urge was too strong and she asked the question which bothered her.

“Why, Sara?” asked she quietly. When she uttered the question, it felt too simple… Maybe Sara would not understand, but any answer was better than anything her mind could offer. Her skills of a psychologist were not useful at all.

Sara finally looked in Lexi’s eyes. Her own soul was shaking. She again saw all the shades of blue even without the darkness surrounding her in the SAM Node… Maybe it was because she was close to her.. maybe too close.

“Because… because….” Sara breathed in heavily. Her heart was too vulnerable for this but with her new belief, with her new motivation she needed to give everything to her only family, to every member there and that meant honesty.   

“Because I need you Lexi…. I need you too much than is nice to ask from any person… and it is a selfish urge, but I need you… and…” She stopped talking for a moment to utter the words describing her fear out loud…

“…and you have not left me yet despite my selfishness.” Sara said. Her voice was trembling and her body shaking...

She feared that Lexi would once decide to leave her side... She was the only person who she trusted many of her fears and secrets… She saw her bleeding not only on the surface but also internally. She held her when she was too weak to speak only cry, and that is hard to forget. Sara knew that all of this was not in Lexi’s job description. Not even in her career as a doctor or psychologist, and still she expressed so much care for her that Sara was touched deeply. She even went personally to apologise to SAM, because he was important to Sara. SAM told her that it was true that she experienced many sleepless nights in order to go through detailed reports. She studied every mission carefully to offer Sara the best care possible. Thanks to Lexi she was alive and she did it without asking any gratitude back, any nice word or a smile. Many on the board made fun of her, Peebee seemed to even hate her, and she still made sure everyone was functioning at their best, especially Sara. Lexi was the most loyal and most irreplaceable member of the Tempest and in Sara’s life. She wanted to find a way to express it and show Lexi that someone cared for her as much as she did for all of them.

 _How this human managed to make her so speechless every time?_  Was the thought in her mind after Sara’s confession. The tender petals of a white lily meant a world to her long time ago. When Victoria gave it to her for the first time.

She explained that the white lily had many meanings in their culture. It was a symbol of purity and also majesty. Its shape resembled the virgin when she finally come into blossom as a full being. It was believed in the ancient history of the human kind that lilies were born through the milk of a goddess who was feeding her son. But for lovers, it meant eternal paradise, because white lilies were given only to the person with whom you wanted to reach heaven. Victoria taught Lexi about all of the meanings of this flower to express her love to her. And the lilies also became the last goodbye when she put them on her coffin. Never again since then she had touched this flower. And now, in another galaxy, this young Pathfinder raised for her a white lily, the only of its kind in Andromeda.

“Lexi… I’m… I’m sorry… I did not wanted to…” Lexi heard Sara saying with worried tone… She did not understand until she felt Sara’s hand on her cheek trying to wipe her tears. She was crying, who knows how long, but it was intense and she felt her tears running down finding their way around Sara’s hand…. The warmth coming from it was calming and she felt like she could sleep in that hand without any worries... She closed her eyes and put her own hand on Sara’s…

Both of them were just standing there for who knows how many minutes. The little touch they shared was so intimate for both that none wanted to move in fear to lose it.

 _So, this was the touch of paradise…_  Lexi thought… She ran her finger across Ryder’s hand touching her cheek exploring the complexions and scars it gathered throughout the fights since she was forced to the role of the Pathfinder. Lexi’s mind was perplexed with confusion how such a scarred hand could be so tender towards her own tears.

Lexi opened her eyes and looked at Sara standing so close that she could just reach her and touch her if she found the courage. She just held her hand which was already touching her and guided it down from her face so she could hold it with both of her hands. It gave her a sense of stability in this moment while she was looking in Ryder’s eyes. Again, she felt her energy embracing her in whole, even more than that moment as their bodies had a connection. Her own heart felt safe in a warm feeling which was growing inside her that it terrified her at the same time. She wanted to say something… something smart… not too emotional, because a small alarm of their mission was holding her back, but Sara needed something, she deserved something more after all of this… Lexi found strength to control her body once more and moved to Sara… She closed her eyes and softly leaned her head on hers, their foreheads touching. It was a tender gesture, full of unexpressed love she was forbidden to feel and confused her at the same time.

Sara closed her eyes as well. She felt Lexi’s warm breath on her face and her heart was pounding in a race she did not know she could ever win. How could she outrun her own heart? Their bodies were in the strangest embrace, because in-between them were their hands holding together like a symbol of a future which was too uncertain to signal any promise. It was a small distance which both did not dare to cross or break – a wall made by their own touch.


	10. Just another normal meeting..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand a small piece for you. Thank you for nice and insightful comments. I promise I will correct SAM mode to SAM node soon and also Drack's and Lexi's age.  
> I also have a challenge for you. It would be super helpful if somebody could find out how old Kalinda actually is. Who finds out, I will devote some special chapter to him/her :)

They were arriving to Kadara. There was still a business of setting an outpost there. It was the best shot as the planet offered a good climate for plantations and water. They needed to feed more aliens because all the resources the Salarian ark had, were stolen by the Kett.  Only problem was it was still radioactive, so they needed to find the vault. SAM already marked the locations. Ok, there was another problem there – Sloane Kelly. They were still not on good terms despite she let her have her justice to execute Vehn. It pissed Evfra off, but she really did not care what he was thinking. Moshae was on her side. They had their disagreements on Voeld, but that passed and Sara promised to “cure” Havarl’s ecosystem right after this Kadara business. She finally understood that Sara was there to help, and started to treat her with some respect. It was surely a beginning of a peaceful partnership.

Some of the Vetra’s “illegal” friends contacted Reyes. He was ready to work Sloane out to find a deal which would secure an outpost in Kadara. First step was still the vault though. She, personally, was hoping that a cleaner water would persuade Sloane to open up a bit. She felt certain respect towards her. She was a “tough bitch” at least that was how Drack called her. How could a former security agent turn to be the leader of the “criminals?” Anyway, she did not perceive them as Outcasts despite it was their official name. Sloane looked as a person who was straight to business and she liked it. It was relaxing after all those mysteries and frauds grouping around her.

“Suvi, please call everyone to the comm room. We need to discuss the mission.” She was leaning on the control panel, watching how the distance between the Tempest and the planet was shortening.

“As you wish Sara.” Suvi smiled her way. Suvi like Gil was one of those members of the crew she developed friendship quite fast. Sometimes she followed Suvi’s breaks to talk about her faith and the mysteries the Andromeda was hiding from them. Sara was a philosophy freak at her school and conversations with Suvi reminded her about those innocent times when she was just a teenager and could spent her time dreaming.

“Thank you Suvi. Please, take Kallo out this time, some fresh air will do him good” She noticed an annoyed stare from Kallo and laughed. Yes, she would definitely die every day for these moments. Since the intimate and bounding moment, she experienced with Lexi, she did not really talk to her. Nor she talked to Peebee… Her two Asari women who made her crazy in different ways. She really should buy some drinks at Kralla’s song and think about it. There was no time until now. She moved to the comm room, her crew was already there including Doc and Peebee.

 **Sara** : “We are reaching Kadara soon. I want 100% from all of you. We need to secure an agreement with Sloane fast to get access to more resources. So I will take a small team to reach remnant pillars and activate them.” She paused for a moment and looked at them.

 **Peebee** : “Whoa! Ready for action Ryder.” Peebee was definitely excited to get to another vault. Sara smiled. She loved that excitement and had a special plan for her gift as well. Until now only Lexi received her gift as the others were usually accessible outside Nexus.

 **Sara** : “Yeah, Peebee. But you will join me when the location of vault is marked. I will take Drack and Vetra with me in case we encounter some of the outcasts or collectives. Maybe it would help with diplomacy?” Vetra laughed and poked sad Peebee standing next to her.

 **Vetra: “** That’s smart even for you, Ryder.”

 **Drack:** “Yeah… You’ve got a good night sleep, kid?” Drack traced his eyes on Peebee expecting they were “mating”. Peebee had an urge to punch him. She remembered their conversation and was hoping he had not informed Ryder about it.

 **Sara:**  “Thanks Drack, the best one…” She winked and wanted to show him her tongue in rebellious gesture but tried to play cool.  She tried to avoid looking at Peebee or Doctor. Lexi was sitting on a couch; her legs were crossed and she looked very sexy like this. Fortunately, she did not seem disturbed at all.

 **Peebee:**  “Fiiine, fine you two dinos. Shut up. Let Ryder speak, I want to know the boring stuff she wants me to do.” Vetra nearly jumped at her with words  _who you call a dino_  but Sara raised her hand trying not to laugh. Liam was already touching his belly, so it was quite hard.

 **Sara:**  “ Peebee you will track any possible remnant tech sold on that market. I need a list and prices to get more funds from the Initiative. We need everything there… It’s hard to keep you busy with your energy.” Said she jokingly.

 **Peebee:**  “But, Ryder you know well how to keep me busy… Always.” she winked at Ryder and sent her an invisible kiss which made Sara froze for a moment. Shit. No one paid attention to that because everyone knew how loose Peebee was, but Sara was still nervous. Why? Even if they knew, they were not doing anything wrong. With side of her eyes she checked on Lexi.  _Shiiiiiit_. Lexi was observing her with that doctor kind of roentgen eyes. She was not sure what really happened between them yesterday, but this look made her feel very uncomfortable. She quickly focused on the topic

 **Sara:**  “Great then, so I take it you like the job.” She tried to play off and looked at Liam. “Liam, please go with her. I really need it done before we finish the vault business.”

 **Liam:**  “Bet on it, Ryder.” He saluted to her and smiled.

 **Sara:**  “Cora, you, please, meet Reyes as my second-in-command and discuss with him the next strategy. I still don’t trust him, so keep a good eye on him, please. Maybe you’ll even be able to get some intel from him on the Asari Ark…” She said and saw how Cora’s eyes sparkled. No, She did not forget how much it meant for Cora to find the ark.

 **Cora:**  “Of course, Ryder. and.. thank you.”

  **Sara:**  “One more thing. If he offers you a drink, don’t take it. He will make you pay.” Cora made a gesture of crushing something small in her fist and Sara imagined Reyes manhood squeezed in the “huntress” biotics and laughed. Reyes liked to flirt a lot, but Cora was not an easy target. She was very curious for that report. Then she looked at Jaal. “Jaal, please. I want you to look at that murder issue of an Angaran in the city and scavenge the slums a bit. Could you do it for me, please? It bothers me for some reason.”

 **Jaal:**  “Me too, Sara. I am tired of my people dying for stupid reasons.” Said he very seriously. He was glad that Sara paid attention to the small “quests” which did not play any importance for the main mission. She always put importance on individuals, including his people. This made Jaal feel he wanted to follow Sara straight to death.

 **Lexi:**  “I will help Gil to prepare Nomad for the trip. You all will need that special full-body underwear our technician adjusted last time thanks to the remnant components. It will minimise your chance to get composed in the radioactive water.” She was reading something on her data-pad. She did not raise her eyes again on Ryder. It seemed that she was focused on the letters appearing on the screen but the whole movement was only automatic. She was a true professional and knew exactly how to prepare them for Kadara, as it was not the first time. It was easy to hide her annoyance and anger behind the automation. An anger which was hidden deep behind her own persona, because she caught herself being jealous when Peebee sent an imaginary kiss towards Ryder. She nearly crushed the data-pad in a similar movement Cora presented.


	11. That bitch stole my bot…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, some more Peebee, Sara aand Liam. In this chapter I used some original dialogues, but edited them with my own parts too. Enjoy and comment :)

The Pathfinder was already in the field when Peebee and Liam were walking together to the Kadara market. Peebee looked bored right away. She hated this filthy place. It was not that she was spoiled or what, but it just made her shiver. It reminded her too much of Omega. Why every system needed to have their own Omega? And Sloane was similar kind of a bitch as Aria was. She knew her fingers were everywhere around the Milky Way. Kalinda told her when she was still working as an ambassador. A memory of Kalinda made her hate this place even more. Pelessaria, a name she condemned and pushed herself to forget as her past.

 “You know, Peebee, if you keep looking so annoyed, no one will talk to us.” Liam had this smirk shaped from his lips as he was observing her.

“Oh, Kosta, as your years as a security force would make you here more popular than a pretty girl’s annoyed face.” She always knew how to turn the conversation away from anything personal.

“They already have a pretty Asari capable of crushing bones in the bar here. You don’t stand a chance.” Yeah, Liam was the same ass as she was. She was kind of glad Sara put her on this mission with him. He was full of jokes and she liked that. Today might be fun after all.

“ No way, Kosta. You have a crush, don’t you? I’m not pretty enough for your eyes?” They were near some shop and Peebee was looking at the goods.

“Sorry, Peeb… Your eyes are too dark for my innocence.” He offered her Hollywood smile when she looked at him quite amused. “Peeb?” She asked about this new nickname.

“What… would you rather be the second duck on the Tempest? Peeb is cute. Reminds me of a hyperactive bird who doesn’t ever shut up.” Peebee punched him playfully and laughed. She remembered Massani calling Ryder a little duck when they were infiltrating the Kett base. She nearly got shot. That hard she laughed at that moment.

“Fiine you won. Peeb works for me. One duck is enough.” She was still laughing when they finally focused their attention on work.

***

Peebee was walking up and down in the bar that Umi, the owner, shouted at her to drink or get out. Liam bought some drinks and showed Peebee to finally sit down. She made him nervous too.

“Here Peeb. Drink before they through us out.” She took that metal glass from him and sat near the window. She was so excited that she just could not wait to update Ryder about her discovery.

“You think that krogan, Kannit, is serous?” Liam tasted the liquid and moaned with pleasure. Whiskey. That was surely rare stuff.

“Dunno. Don’t care. It’s worth the risk. He has the last piece I need. I’m sure he has, because he was on our, well, on the remnant tale for quite long. I heard about him before.”

“Still feels fishy… You rather be careful, hear me? Tell Ryder about this. Don’t go alone. No one would dare to attack you when she’s with you.” She looked at him entertained.

“You think I can’t handle one brutish Krogan, Kosta?”

“Naaah. You can but. there might not be only one you know. Aaand we need to play smart, remember? Diplomacy and all that bullshit. You don’t know who you killed and we got hanged by Sloane. You got me?” Liam raised his glass up like trying to cheer to that and Peebee laughed. He was truly a nice guy. This whole crew started to get under her skin. Even Mrs Matriarch “needling” and scanning everyone.

“Yeaah, yeaah.. hear you Kosta. Everyone knows the Pathfinder. No one would dare to kill her under Sloane’s watch. Got that.” She raised her glass too and they cheered.

“Here you are, you drunks.” They turned their heads towards familiar voice. Cora looked at them with strict eyes, although she was happy to see them got together so well. “Get your asses up. Ryder found the vault. Time to go.”

 

***

It was a tough one vault on Kadara. She felt super tired, but Peebee wanted to meet her right away. She needed to raise her voice to get at least shower and some sleep.  _I can help to brush your back, cutie._  She remembered her saying and her anger was again somewhere in some distant black hole in the galaxy. How could she be angry with her for long? Peebee agreed at the end and promised to send her an email with all the details about her new contact. Sara read it on the data-pad in comfortable clothes and needed to smile. The message ended with smileys and kisses. Peebee was surely sweet. Sometimes too sweet. She wrote an email to everyone that they will prolong their stay on Kadara for maybe a week and went to sleep.

There was still some time in the morning before the meeting and Sara managed to get the package she ordered from Nexus. It was a homemade gift, actually a contraband. Fortunately, Vetra told her about a seller on Nexus who had his hands in some illegal business on Kadara. She stayed silent about it and the seller felt grateful enough to fulfil her strange request.

Peebee was already waiting for her. She was laying on the rail and watching the life at the port. Sara used this moment to observe Peebee for a while. Her body she already knew well was truly perfect. It made her red in face when she imagined her without that purple jacket. She looked so relaxed that it made Ryder forget that there was a business to do, not just a day off and fun. However, the whole day turned around when Kallo informed them that someone infiltrated Peebee’s personal space, and worse, stole Poc.

_“Ryder, it's Kalinda T'Reve, Pelassaria's...  well, whatever she calls me these days. Please tell her thank you for the nifty bot. I trust the rem-tech piece my crew took will be adequate payment. Oh, and no need to wait for my Krogan friend, Krannit - he and his outlaws work for me. Ta.”_

She could see how Peebee’s face changed. Her eyes were a mixture of pain, anger and frustration. Sara felt an urge to find that bitch herself and punch her head to some rock and make her apologise to Peebee. She did not know much about their past relationship, but seeing her so hurt filled her with urge to be cruel. Yeah, that  _bitch stole her bot._  And Sara wished to steal Kalinda’s life as well. She heard herself assuring Peebee that they were in this mess together. That she is not alone and they will find Poc. Even if it meant to use some cruel practices. But the last were only thoughts she did not dare to utter.

***

Sara was walking towards the escape pod. She was hiding something behind her back in her pants and covered by the jacket. She came in the room and it immediately felt very lonely without Peebee’s bot.

Peebee was furiously looking through some information on her data-pad. Surely, she was searching for names, places, anything on Kalinda and her outcasts.

“Hey you.” said Sara and Peebee nearly jumped. She looked disturbed. It was obvious she did not expect Ryder to show there. The doors closed behind her and Sara looked at her worried.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes… Well .. no.  I hate imagining Kalinda tiptoeing around here, with nosey eyes and sticky fingers.” Every word she uttered was filled with anger. Ryder had never seen her so out of her usual cool. Ryder was thinking whether this was a good time to ask, but it was hard to help it. She needed to know more.

“Peebee. You know you can talk to me, right? Maybe it’s a good time to tell me more about you two. I want to help, but I need to know more.” This sounded bit like a blackmailing, but it was too late for that. She really needed to know what was going on and Peebee owned her at least that. She sighted.

“You know… I’m just pissed that my prior association with her has become a problem, again. For me, and now for you”… she stopped for a moment “well, us.” Peebee herself did not realised what that “us” really meant.  “She’s like a… wart that you freeze of, but “ She grouped her fingers into a fist looking like wanted to smash something near. “DAMN IT! theeere it is agaaain… popping to the surface.”

Ryder felt her urge to kill Kalinda coming back. “I’ll rid you of that nasty wart. I promise, Peebee.”

“Please do, because, it’s…. it’s unsightly and… and.. stupid, and .. warty.” She suddenly hugged her chest with her own arms and sighted again. Anger was exchanged by sadness.

“I can’t believe I ever thought I was close to her.” Sara came a bit closer to her and touched her chin. She wanted Peebee to look at her and see that she cared.

“What really happened?” Peebee made a contact with Sara’s eyes for a while and started to walk around, disturbed.

“Which time, hm? She’d thrown me aside sooo many times. I felt like a yo-yo… Each more cruel than the last.” The pain of the encounter was even more obvious now. “then,” Peebee shook her hand and looked at Ryder.

“She’d come back with sweet talk, apologize profusely, tell me her feelings were soo intense, she got scared, yada yada… nice huh?” She leaned by both her hands on the table and looked at the ceiling.

“Nice, well, until she disappeared again, right around when I found my first Remnant ruin.” Ryder was quietly biting her lower lip.

“Soo, I threw myself into that.” She was so wrong about Peebee. This was a serious shit she needed to go through. She escaped into her work to forget about this betrayal. Suddenly alone in a distant galaxy. It was not all about fun, that was just a coping mechanism, and Sara could understand that.  Peebee noticed Ryder’s worried look and get silent for a moment.

“Don’t get me wrong Ryder, she was not a total bitch. After she woke me from stasis, I was living off-grid, right? She set me up, got me ID cards, access to resources…. I just, maybe, overestimated our relationship. I thought we were a team.” Peebee looked at the empty space after Poc.

“She was the society lady – proper, established, powerful… living vicariously through me. She introduced me to her circle. Showed me off – called me her little rogue. I…. I felt special…” There was a shadow over her face which looked like a memory of love and care. No, Peebee was not completely out of that bound they had. Ryder was sure of it.

“I had no idea that she was all that time working for the exiles. It blows my mind she was leading a double life. Nexus aristocrat by day, thrill-seeking outlaw boss by night…” She turned her attention to Ryder completely. “I realize now how little I knew about her. Makes me question everything…. and everyone.”

“The string thing, right?” Ryder smiled with sympathy. She was looking at Peebee in a very different light now, after she opened to her.

“Yeah…” said she nervously. “Exactly that…. you know, Ryder. I .. I appreciate you understand and don’t push like others…and even care. I feel you truly do.. It means .. a lot.” She looked at the floor. Sara did not try to ask her again to look at her.

“Well, anything for a family with benefits, right?” She smiled and tried to ease the tension. It worked and she heard a silent chuckle coming from Peebee. Sara knew that Peebee did not wanted anyone to see her cry, so jokes were necessary for her survival. Her laugh was the best thank you she could give to anyone.

“We will find Poc and kick Kalinda’s ass. Don’t worry. We will stay here for a week so let’s gather some intel. They could not get far with an octopus like robot.” Peebee looked at her again. She was smiling. That was enough for Sara to search with her hand behind her back where was Peebee’s gift waiting.

“Aren’t you a cutie…” Said Peebee. “What are you hiding there?” her eyes went dark like expecting some ball of water coming at her in any moment. Ryder just wanted to laugh at that sudden suspiciousness.

“Easy, babe… Just a gift.. to thank you.. for everything. nothing nasty or stinky. ” She grasped the toy and brought it on a light. It was a handmade plush Geth toy. “Here.” She nearly bumped it in Peebee’s hands.

Peebee was surprised. A fluffy toy just appeared in her hands and was staring at her with big eyes. She thought Ryder considered her only as a nerd freak obsessed with machines, with whom she had occasional sex, but, she truly listened. When she raised her eyes up, Ryder was already gone. She smiled for herself and hugged the toy intensively. Sara’s smell was still attached to it.


	12. From a friend, huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaand things are becoming even more complicated :D Never forget where Lexi grew up.

“Please, hold still” Said Lexi with a strict voice trying to patch Peebee’s eye. An Asari’s skin was stronger than a human one, but a fist from a Krogan would break even stones. One rude Asari’s face was nothing compare to that kind of force. An irritated sound left Peebee’s vocal chords as she was still clinching her fists together in anger. She was so close to find more information about Poc, she completely forgot to guard her body from a Krogan temper.

“You should be happy that your biotics protected you, so I don’t need to mend your bones.” Said Lexi. She was annoyed but in her own strict but caring manner. “What were you thinking?”

“None of your business Mrs Perfect.” Said Peebee and tried to wave her hand to get rid of the doctor’s fingers. That pissed Lexi of indescribably. She grasped Asari’s hand by her wrist with force Peebee had not expected, and turned her to face her.

“Enough, Peebee! I don’t care you hating me or playing jokes on me… But, in a second you become reckless and get yourself killed because … whatever… than it really becomes an issue!” She scolded her like a small child. Well, around 150 years were between her, so she had a right to do so. Peebee opened her mouth to say something but she could not bear the doc’s stare. She looked at a side like she used to when she felt vulnerable. Lexi was scanning her for another moment when she let her hand go.

“Fine. I’m happy that we understood each other.” She returned back to patching her up.

Peebee was looking away for a moment and scanned the room. She noticed a white lily on her desk. She saw her chance to win this small fight and turned her full-teeth smile at Lexi.

“Someone is having an admirer no one knows about…” Lexi’s hands froze for a moment and Peebee knew she was on the right track.

“I don’t know what are you talking about...” Lexi said and finished sewing her scar together. Only some medigel and she would be fine.

“Yeah, sure. White lilies are just growing around the Tempest. That’s natural…” Peebee was enjoying this so much, because Lexi’s face was turning darker blue. A sign of blushing.

“None of your business, Peebee.” She repeated Peebee’s line she uttered a moment ago. Peebee laughed.

“Shall I now hold your hand and threaten you that you are disturbing the mission with your lover???” No, she was too curious now. Someone was wooing their personal Matriarch and she wanted to know more. Lexi’s lips were only a thin line when she finished applying medigel on Peebee’s injury.

“I do not have a lover. Stop it, ok?” This topic was very unpleasant and she did not want to talk about what happened between her and Ryder. She was not sure what actually happened.

“Pshaa. Don’t buy it!” Peebee was too fast. She jumped from the bed and came closer to the flower. Lexi had it right next to her computer. That was a sign of how personal it was for her. She could stare at it every minute of her precious working time.

“Isn’t your work jealous???” She asked and raised her hand to touch the lily. But that was enough to feel that a biotic energy was growing in its intensity. She turned around and Lexi was surrounded by a blue energy. Peebee laughed and raised her hands in defence.

“Be cool doc. I’m not touching your precious plant. Just was curious who made you blushing. Must be a nice person. Got me?” Peebee smiled. There was something about her smile Lexi did not see there before. She cared for her well-being? Peebee was changing, she could tell. Lexi’s biotic slowly faded away but kept looking at her.

“Yes.. got you.. well, I’m sorry I’ll disappoint you. I don’t have any admirer. It was just a gift, from a friend.” She tried to say as convincingly as she was capable of. Well, she was not lying. It was just a gift from a friend. But if she was so sure about it, why she did not tell her it was a gift from Ryder? Did she think about her as a friend? Maybe she tried to protect herself and Peebee too. Lexi was not stupid, there was something between Peebee and Ryder and although it made her feel like wanting to jump out of the window, she needed to think about her own position at this ship and of well-being of everyone. 

“Fiine, I won’t push.. “ She walked around Lexi to the door.

“Still, we don’t usually crush others with biotics when its only - from a friend...” Peebee’s voice was mysterious. She acted like a perfect psychologist and could even exchange position with Lexi right now. When Peebee finally left, Lexi just fainted on her chair and sighted. The white lily was there, more beautiful than ever, and was a constant reminder of an urge she felt in that moment. She needed to control herself better next time.

 

***

 

It was their day off when Lexi left the Tempest docks to explore the market for some resources. She was wearing a black casual dress to blend in. No one needed to know she was a part of the Initiative. She was walking around the market when she felt someone staring at her intensively. When turned around she spotted a Turian with a face tattoo on his face, walking towards her.

“Hey, beautiful. You are new here, I can tell...”  _Fuck_. She thought. Problems. She just stepped out of the ship and there were problems. A horny Turian. She dated their species maybe twice. Always some mercenaries or other type of bad guys you could find on Omega. There was a lot of those kinds there. Her father was working with different assassins and bodyguards who protected Aria herself. They had power, but were mostly of brutish nature, especially when they tried to strip her dad from his position. She needed to patch him often from fights he needed to return from. She knew their physiology like her own.

“Get off, chunk. Don’t talk to losers your kind. Find yourself a weapon to fuck.” She needed to come back to the rules of survival so common on Omega. Don’t show fear and never run when in danger. Better to threaten an enemy’s ego. There were aliens around and if she could make him look like a complete fool, he would not dare to attack her or try something stupid. She travelled with her eyes on him, tracing his body with acted curiosity which turned later into disgust.

“Thinking about it now, I don’t think you stand a chance even in that league, beautiful…” She uttered the last words with the utmost delicacy and sweetness of her voice. She even raised her hand and touched his mandible skeleton playfully to emphasise her disgust over his manhood. It got attention of the seller and some customers. Pity laugh made Turian growl with anger as he burnt more than he originally expected.

“Look at him there” Said the seller. “Growling like a small lizard. I should give a discount to this beauty.” Lexi smiled at the seller and focused all her energy to look more interested in Krogan in front of her and to play on their both ego. She turned her attention to him completely, sending Turian away like an irritating bug, looking no disturbed at all by his presence or a gun.

“Please, darling. I need to hear a word from a real warrior to calm down.” Krogan looked satisfied and amused. Now everyone at the stand were laughing and the Turian was forced to back down. There were too many guns who could kill him in instant. When he left, Lexi felt relieved. She had not noticed that she was observed by someone else as well.

“I will buy anything for the lady… She only deserves the best attention.” Said a familiar voice and Ryder touched Lexi’s arm. She nearly jumped but needed to play along, so the whole charade would not fall like a house of cards. She turned her head slowly as being bored towards Ryder…

“You? you think you are any better than that lizard?” All of the eyes were looking at them.  They knew who Sara was, and for that reason, she could not stop playing. She needed to find a way how to let her win this fight in Omega style. And after that, she will kill Ryder back on the Tempest for getting involved… and for enjoying it! She could see on her face that Ryder was having so much fun.

“Well…” Ryder got very close and looked at her with confidence… “I just hate when some weakling disturbs such an… interesting and beautiful woman like you” Ryder knew she was taking an advantage of the situation, but this was too tempting to just let go. Maybe the only chance to flirt like two strangers. Lexi was going to throw her out of the Tempest.

Lexi was looking at her and nearly forgot that this was not a game. there were expectations from this bunch of criminals and this was similar to Omega. Sara’s mission was to important than her urge to run away. Sara needed to be more badass than all of them. She knew it from the life of her Turian father. She raised her hand and playfully moved her finger on her chest armour plate touching the Initiative badge.

“Some proof of your dominance over that loser? I don’t fall for words, pathfinder.” Said she to remind everyone who Ryder was. Krogan laughed and punched the table with his hand like supporting that claim. Yeah, what was the Pathfinder going to do?

Sara felt so charmed by this small gesture. Lexi’s fingers were burning even through her armour right into her heart. She remembered when they were so close last time and the unexpected dose of chemistry and desire in her veins she could not explain. Sara took the full advantage of this role-play and forgot once of her ethical and moral barriers. She just wanted to be a badass who enjoyed life.

She grabbed Lexi and pulled her close to her body. The other hand by which held Lexi, supported her back, and a strong kiss which suddenly appeared on Lexi’s lips mended their bodies together so naturally like they always belonged together. She felt Sara’s hand holding her left leg and raising it even closer to her hips in this already intimate position.

Lexi heard whistling, clapping and shouting. The hunger took over her too and she returned Sara’s kiss with so much desire that she nearly bit her lips. One of her hands was resting on the chest plate, the other grabbed Sara’s hair and pushed her more into that kiss.

This theatre was perfect for the audience. Lexi was sure that rumours about the Ryder’s capability of getting what she wanted, would open more secret doors. It was always the same rules at places like this. However, what really bothered Doctor T’Perro’s mind was how much she dared to stole from this experience. Despite she feared the consequences waiting for them back at the Tempest, now she was only an unknown Asari in a black dress enjoying passionate kissing with the Pathfinder.


	13. Before I return to white, let us hide in the rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of the last chapter :) This one is dedicated to all Sara x Lexi followers. I'm sorry I'm not into very detailed sex descriptions, I like to let it on your own imagination. Still I hope you'll enjoy this chapter.

They were standing opposite each other in the dark, hidden from everybody’s eyes somewhere near the living quarters of Kadara. It was not only a lack of any artificial light in the side street, but an evening reaching the port. Lexi did not remember how they got into this position. There were only glances of memories where she grabbed Sara’s hand and directed her away from the market. And while holding each other, she could only recall intensity of her own pacing heart.

Now, they were standing here looking at each other. Sara was too close. Too close to any of her previous professional barriers. The two-step distance was enough for her to think straighter than before, no eyes to follow up their every move. But why was Sara so silent? Why she was staring at her like that? What happened before was a mistake they should never again repeated and the most logical thing Sara could do was to go back to the Tempest and Lexi would return 20 minutes after her. Yes, that was the most logical thing to do.

A drop of wet substance disturbed her thoughts. Logic was exchanged with panic when she felt another and another one. It started to rain. Lexi jumped close to Sara. She stretched her hand to the sky and created a barrier which was supposed to protect them. Suddenly, she could feel Ryder’s hand on her wrist pulling her hand down. Lexi looked at her puzzled.

“It’s ok. No more radioactivity, remember?” Doctor did not seem convinced at first, but it was logical. The vault mechanism worked fast and most of the radioactivity came from the planet’s core than the clouds. She completely forgot about it in a fear Sara would get hurt. This was supposed to be the first purifying rain on Kadara. Slowly, but finally, she let the barrier disappear and small drops started to crop their bodies in a high density.

It was refreshing. It felt so natural and she noticed Sara raised her head to face the sky and closed her eyes enjoying this wonder of nature. Lexi followed her example and turned to the rain. She felt how rain was covering her body and the cloth of the black dress was sticking to her shapes. The whole experience felt so rejuvenating and she thought of herself as being free and somewhere distant, maybe back at Milky way, when she was only 100 or so, young and boundless.

Something fell on the floor. She feared to open her eyes, but the sound repeated. Lexi realised that this was not a memory and the Pathfinder was standing right in front of her. Still, she refused to open her eyes and face the reality of mixed feelings and strong desires, but then she chose to be vulnerable. Surely, Sara would understand that this was not the way and….  

Everything went silent. Ryder’s bare hand touched her face. It was the sound of her gloves falling on the ground.  Her fingers traced her skin and moved away the rain drops although another took their former position immediately. She opened her eyes and saw Ryder exploring her with both eyes and touch.

It was an electrifying feeling. Sara’s fingers were sending multiple sensations into her whole body and she was only touching her face. It was hard to resist and when Sara raised other hand and explored her hips shaped by the wet dress, a moan escaped Lexi’s lips. She did not know whether she was glad for Sara’s armour or disappointed.

“Sara… please…” Said she quietly. She wanted more of her touch, her lonely heart desired it, nearly cried out loud for it, but. “This is not right…”

“I know… but, I’m tired of doing everything is expected from me as a Pathfinder. For once I want to do what I feel…. is right… I just want to be Sara now.” The honesty and simplicity of her answer surprised Lexi and filled her with sadness. There was a lot of pain hidden in those words. She remembered how she cried in her embrace when she needed to make a choice which was against all her personal feelings. It affected Sara so greatly that it nearly crushed her personality. Lexi was sure that this was only a start of the all difficulties waiting for this young woman and could better understand Sara’s commitment to everybody on the Tempest. Why she did not want anybody to worry about her.

It was Lexi who closed the distance between them and kissed her this time.  Their lips connected in understanding, but the kisses continued in passion. Sara pushed Lexi’s body to the wall in a bit painful act, but Lexi’s desires were aroused to the great extent. She felt how Sara’s hands were exploring her body with hunger, making her crazy. She did not care that someone could discover them there any minute. They were drinking each other’s loneliness hidden in the thick rain. If the Pathfinder wished to be only Sara this night, she wished to be only Lexi in black.

“SAM, locate an empty quarter and then delete all your logs since the incident at the market… with my authorisation…. reason – for the best mental health of the Pathfinder.” Said Lexi towards Sara who stopped kissing her in amazement.

 _Of course, Dr T’Perro. Authorization confirmed._ There was a short silence.  _Location marked._

 

***

 

They found an empty room. SAM informed them that the owner was away on another planet, so no disturbance was expected. Still she asked SAM to lock the door. They were both wet, although Sara was still protected by her armour.

Lexi felt like she was doing a huge mistake but she also wished to forget about everything for a moment. About everything and everyone. Maybe she believed Sara understood that back on the Tempest nothing like this could happen again. Maybe it was the spirit of Kadara, or this black dress which made her rebel as well. She stepped closer to Sara and started to un-touch the chest plate. She felt like a young and inexperienced Asari silenced by the lover’s stare.

Sara let her do what she wanted, still amazed by the recent development. Maybe this was only one time romance. She was not sure what to expect or what she felt beyond strong urge to make Lexi relax under her body. It could be a huge mistake for sure, but now she did not care. She wanted Lexi since that moment on Nexus.

Soon, Sara was stripped of most of the armour and could finally feel the warmth of another body. Lexi raised her hands and entwined them around Sara’s neck, only to pull her back on her own lips. She could not hold herself anymore. Sara only now realised how a good kisser Lexi was. With such a huge age difference between them it was quite expected. Sara pushed parts of her armour away to have more space and embraced Lexi close to her own skin. With her fingers, she found the back zip on Lexi’s dress and moved it down. Doc shivered in realisation of what was going to happened and rested her face on Sara’s arm. It was a vulnerable gesture and it intensified after Sara stripped her arms, her chest and let the wet dress slip down to her ankles. Lexi’s breath deepened. There was no way back now.

“You are so beautiful….” Said Sara finally and traced Lexi’s shapes from her back down to her hips and belly. She breathed on Lexi’s neck and after hearing a quiet moan she sucked on it hardly. She wanted to taste this woman in her embrace and enjoy every moment as the last. Yes, it could be the last one not because of death but circumstances. It was a different feeling she had with Peebee. One originated from an urge of loneliness the other from understanding. Two different women, two different worlds and different feelings they created inside her heart.

Lexi’s skin smelled fresh from rain and she could not hold herself anymore. She pushed Lexi to the bed and let her fall on the mattress. She quickly got rid of the rest of the armour to be in her underwear. She needed to feel Lexi’s body in full without any obstacles and explore those feelings growing in her heart. When she kneeled on the bed to her, Lexi raised and kissed her again. There was a strong need in that kiss. Sara was not alone in this confusion. They both needed it for whatever reasons.

Yes, Lexi needed this so much it frightened her. But the warmth of the Sara’s kisses calmed her down and made her strip Sara of her bra. She touched those soft breasts enjoying the warm skin under her fingers. There were few scars she already knew. Remembrance of the hard battles Sara fought every day to protect them all.

Sara stopped kissing Lexi for a moment and looked at her. They were both kneeling on bed opposing each other and they were both afraid to say anything. Lexi smiled… It was not a smile promising anything, but giving enough assurance to Sara in this moment. Lexi raised her hand to Sara’s lips and touched them gently. Sara closed her eyes. It was a caring touch, warm, calming….

“Make me yours, Sara… Please... I want to forget… I need to.” She said and when Sara looked at Lexi again, there was a trace of pain she did not know. It reflected something or someone. She knew so little about the doctor. Only that she loved white lilies and would rather sacrifice her own desires than to endanger the mission. This was the vulnerable side of Lexi, the unexplored universe of nearly 3 centuries of life she did not know anything about. Ryder realised that despite this might have been the only time they got their bodies so close, she wanted to know who Lexi was and what she needed to go through. She wanted to be her good friend and protect her from whatever past haunting Lexi at night. She wished to say it, to describe her urge to be there for her, that this was not only about sex but about trust… and so much more… Rather than words, she kissed her fingers tenderly and pushed Lexi in bed, committed to fulfil her every desire. 


	14. I think she fell for you too…

Ryder’s eyes were closed. Her head was resting on Lexi’s breasts breathing in her body smell. She looked so peaceful that Lexi did not have a heart to really wake her up. It was a late evening already, but fortunately no one tried to contact them yet. Hopefully, no one even would for a long time. Lexi was feeling warmth tracing her every cell while watching Sara’s calm breathing. There was something so amazing about that activity that it made her feel proud. Maybe because it was her who actually made her look so relaxed. And that feeling was the greatest about it.

Sara was amazing during that night. They did not have much time but she refused to rush anything. She wanted to give Lexi all the pleasure and treated her body like a tender petal of a white lily she gave her. There was something magical about the slow manner Sara kissed her with, the way how she touched her body like she was afraid to break her. She felt nearly idolized by this type of touch and made her shiver under every kiss. Sara was not maybe the best lover she ever had, but apart from pure sex, she was the most… the most… It was even hard to describe the sensation she made her experience. It was a sex which made Lexi feel as the most beautiful Asari in the Universe. She made her feel special. She came only once, but it was a hard one. Sara looked happy when Lexi was screaming her name.

Now, Lexi felt calm. Her eyes traced the black dress lying near the bed. She would need to find different clothes to not get the crew suspicious. Everyone surely heard the rumour already. Ryder flirting with some unknown Asari in a black dress. She wished she could use clothes to go undercover every time they land on some planet and experience night like this with Sara. It was actually fun what happened on that market. Ryder was hot taking her like that in front of those brutes and petty thieves. She wished that Sara had the same confidence while dealing with the Initiative, or other aliens who made her so depressed and stressed out. Lexi realised how much she cared about Sara and that it was beyond the patient-doctor relationship.

Well, obviously. They were naked and in a warm embrace she did not wanted to let go. She should be the responsible one right now and leave Sara there, come back to the Tempest before midnight…. She just refused to do it. Consciously. And that was bad. When she would finally get back into that white dress, the barriers needed to be raised again. At least some. Still many…

“Your heart is beating so fast, Lexi.” said Sara while being comfortable on Lexi’s chest.

“I thought you were asleep…” Lexi smiled and gently touched Sara’s face. The wake-up call meant that they would get apart soon and it made her heart run even faster. With sadness. She wanted to feel more, or feel it again. It was not possible though, the mission was too important and the Initiative already grilled her alive for not noticing Sara’s death. A serious accusation… Sara, however, didn’t know about it. No one knew.

Sara raised and kissed Lexi gently on her lips. She immediately forgot about everyone and returned it. It was what her mind needed to calm down. Sara understood their position, surely. It would be ok. Sara looked her in the eyes and smiled. She was so close to Lexi that it was hard to not kiss her or unite their bodies again.

“I….” there was a silence when Sara uttered a word.

“I understand Lexi. I would never risk your position at the Tempest. Not only because it would break my heart, but because of everyone.” She nearly said to her something very close to _I love you_ , but that was too much and Sara was not sure if that was real or only influenced by the sensation she felt. Lexi let her to love her this night only and she needed to respect it. And, it was true that Lexi’s position was too important for the whole crew. She could not distract her from the job.

“This stays a secret between us, I know…. But, just know Lexi… it was… I…” She looked at the side. It was so hard to express her feelings without those three words. Lexi touched her face. Her hand was warm and loving.

“Sara…” Her voice was even softer then her touch. “It was beautiful and I loved it… please… don’t… you don’t need to say anything…. there is no reason to complicated it beyond that.” Said she and kissed Sara with growing sadness and hunger.

“Hmmm. Another quick one?” Sara uttered and Lexi needed to laugh. This woman was unbelievable sometimes for that she was only 22 years old. She would always support her the best she was capable of. Lexi stopped Sara’s demanding touch and raised from bed completely naked. She walked towards a cabinet to search for some clothes which would make her look distinguishable from the Asari in black she was before.

Sara enjoyed looking at her naked body and it took a while before she stood up and started to dress up. Lexi fortunately found some women’s clothes. Some shirt and trousers would do. She can always lie that her sense of clothing was bad because of the doctor’s profession.

Lexi was still facing Ryder with her back when she finished. Sara was already in her armour, but the gloves were resting on the table. Her fingers had fit on Lexi’s body again in an intimate embrace.

“You are beautiful even in something like this.” Lexi blushed and leaned on Ryder a bit. This was the goodbye.

“Just go first. I’ll return to the Tempest maybe in an hour. Still have some business to do.” She touched Ryder’s hands on her body… _Please, go, or I wouldn’t let you… Please_ … Her thoughts were sending Sara away although her heart wanted her to stay. To make love to her…

“I think I fell for the woman in black. I hope she will once return back.” Sara whispered in her ear. The whole of Lexi’s being had shivered in its core. Sara’s hands sliding away felt like a part of her was leaving in the most brutish manner. She managed to turn only when the door was closed and left her alone. Lexi walked towards the black dress and touched the cloth. It was dry….

“I think that woman fell for you too, Ryder…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time - Tempest and a rumour of Sara's adventure. Let's see how would Peebee react to this. :)


	15. Just slap me next time, ok?

Peebee was sitting in her escape pod. She found the location where Poc was held. The datapad was in-between her hands but she could not think straight. Tempest was full of conspiracy theories, and big talk about Ryder falling for some fucking Asari on Kadara. She felt urge to run, the ship felt too small for her, the whole Andromeda felt too small right now and she felt too alone.

“Pathfinder back on the Tempest.” Said Kallo’s unemotional voice. She stood up immediately but then her body froze. What she was gonna do? Tell Ryder to fuck off? The whole issue puzzled her thoughts and she felt the same as when she sought a gravity chamber…. and had Sex with Ryder… _Fuck fuck fuck fuck!_ She moved like a hyperactive hamster up and down in that small space. What was wrong with her? It was ok that Ryder slept with some other woman. They were not committed to anything in particular, and that was what Peebee requested, so why?

“Fuck that…” Peebee ran from her room and nearly bumped Ryder down to the floor as during their first meeting. The entrance was opposite to the escape pod.

“Hey, Peebee…” Sara smiled at her with such an innocent look that Peebee nearly believed that all of the rumours were just rumours and Sara only sought her for “relaxation”. She quickly gathered herself and looked at the Pathfinder.

“Yeah... Hey, Ryder… what’s up?” She touched the back of her neck.

“You’ve been out quite long… some problems?” She quickly said looking at floor. _Fuck, fuck… calm down Peebee._

“Well, yeah. A bit. I forgot about the time.” Said Sara. Something was wrong. Maybe Peebee heard… But if she did, what was the problem then? No strings was the rule number one.

“Oh... ok… I’m sure it was some important business you did there.. yeah.. right… See ya..” Said Peebee too quickly and walked back towards her only sanctuary. Sara sighted. Something was wrong… She followed her immediately. They were friends and she was not going to let this slide… She needed to know what was going on.

“Sam, lock the door please.” Said Sara when she was there in that small space with Peebee who was leaning on the table staring at the datapad.

“Are you ok?” Peebee did not raise her eyes towards Ryder. She could not look at her right now. Her hands were shaking.

“Something new about Poc?” asked Sara with a worried tone.

 _Fuck Ryder, why you need to make it so hard. Why do you care?_ Thought Peebee. That worried voice made her anger more complex, her emotions too hard to swallow. Sara walked closer and gently touched Peebee’s arm.

“Hey, you can talk to me... right?” Said she gently… Peebee grabbed Sara by her jacket and directed an urgent kiss on her lips. She wanted to feel it. If there was a difference she wanted to feel it from her touch.  Sara was already in civil clothes so the action felt even more intimate. It shocked Ryder, this abrupt movement and gently hugged her, but she could not return the kiss. Not now.

“Peebee… talk to me…” Said she instead of a simple action which would satisfy Peebee more than these friendly gestures. _Why Ryder…_ She could not, however, push Sara way.

“I heard you had some fun at Kadara market…” Uttered Peebee finally. Ryder sighted. She could choose to lie or to tell her the truth. At least part of the truth. She liked Peebee, and now she was puzzled by everything what had happened, but she did not want to lie to someone who was always there for her.

“Yes, I had….” Said Sara staring at the escape pod chamber still hugging Peebee in her arms. She felt like Peebee crushed a part of her jacket. What was going on? This was not Peebee she knew. Sara remembered the day she died and the stare Peebee saved for her.

“Was it….. good?” Peebee was staring at that black shirt fighting with tears, anger and maybe, regret.

“Yes…”

“Would you repeat it?”

“Yes…” Said Sara and she gently pushed shaking Peebee away just enough to see her face. Peebee was crying….. That realisation structed Ryder as a lightning.

“Peebee…”

Peebee pushed Sara away. She needed some distance, feeling her so close was not helping the situation. She looked at the small plush Geth which was on her table and frustration was again growing in her heart.

“What is going on?” Asked Sara, feeling sad and confused. Peebee looked at her. Her tears disappeared and she wiped the rest.

“I don’t fucking know, Ryder… I don’t know... Complications…” She waved her hands in the air furiously like she wanted to slap some fly called _emotions_ …

“Have I done something wrong?” Very stupid question, Sara thought, but she needed to know this was the reason Peebee was so distressed.

“Yes,… no… no you didn’t… ARGH!” Peebee slapped the table with such a force she nearly crushed it. She was not the best while dealing with her emotions...

“It’s not you.. yes it is.. but no.. it’s me… the whole Kalinda interruptions… Your fucking death.. and your fucking too… I cannot.. I don’t know how to deal with all of this here… I want to run.. somewhere distant.. but I can’t leave you now, too…. This crew… I hate it.. I hate you, Ryder!” Peebee exploded. It was painful to watch. Too many emotions for Peebee to process at the same time.

“Hey…” She had crossed the distance between them and grabbed Peebee’s hands. Sara just felt like destroying everything again. But, now there was no time for her own depression.

“Hey” She tried to look at her.

“Hey… its ok…” She felt that Peebee needed her to be strong now. Sara felt how she was shaking but did not let her go. Peebee looked at her and Sara smiled.

“I hate you….” Said Peebee again. She hated that smile of hers, so calm and loving, a smile she herself loved too much.

“I know you do… But, just you know…. I’m still here…” She was still smiling and trying to keep that eye contact. Sara could not believe she found so much strength to face this situation…

“That’s why I hate you…. so much…” Peebee’s voice was calmer though. It worked.

“Well, a slap on my face might help?” Said Sara innocently which made Peebee giggle. Her voice was still sad, but finally calm.

“Peebee… That thing….” Sara sighted.

“I… I didn’t want to hurt you.. It doesn’t matter anyway. It was a one-time only so… I’m telling you that because... I care for you and… maybe I wouldn’t do it if I knew how much it could hurt you and…” She felt Peebee’s finger on her lips.

“You don’t owe me anything Ryder… I just… I don’t know... Keep it simple... Will you?” She finally smiled at Sara…. Peebee needed space.

“ohmkaay” She just nodded as her finger was still on her lips. Sara let her go. There was not more to say now. Too many emotions… Peebee turned around.

“I found Poc. Maybe… If you are… still interested?” The question was more than about the Poc. It was not actually about Poc… Sara felt that somewhere in her mind. Peebee was asking something different. If they were planning to continue in their strange relationship.

It made Sara thinking… Lexi and her.. that could not continue, for everyone’s sake. It was the most beautiful experience, but they maybe were not suited for each other. Even if they were, circumstances decided for them and Sara could not risk hurting everyone. She liked Peebee, they were compatible, but… No… Lexi was not an option.. and Sara could not do this alone.. she needed this. She needed someone close. Peebee too. It obviously was more now than a simple no string relationship, but it did not need to be love right away right? Sara herself was not sure what she felt and still, there was fear.. of something.

“Yeah, sure… of course…” Said Sara and Peebee smiled a bit, nervously.

“Okay, Ryder… Will send you the coordinates. And maybe... we could check it out tomorrow.” Said she and turned to her table. It was a time for Sara to leave. Suddenly, she felt regretting what she did. This was exactly what she told Lexi, what she wished. To be only responsible for herself. Not for everyone.. for a moment.. And now? There were consequences of her action. Others hurt… Someone like Peebee she cared so much about. She could not let this happen again. Maybe it would be better if she kept her pain to herself. She needed to be strong. For them… For Peebee, for Lexi, for Drack, Vetra, Liam, Cora… everyone... She could not let be the cancer destroying this family from within.

“Yes, Peebee. We’ll find her. And please… just slap me next time, ok?” She smiled with her best in her and left before Peebee could say anything more. Sara went straight to her room, and locked herself up before others would ask about her fucking… Gill making fun of her calling her a wild beast or what. She did not need this right now.

Fortunately, the ladder saved her from any encounter. She just stopped for a minute to look at the closed med-bay. What she had done she could not undone again. Now, Sara needed to stop to be selfish and clean the mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe too emotional but I cannot imagine reacting differently.  
> I just have a feeling that Sara will try to distant herself again. What do you think? Have Sara made a mistake by sleeping with Lexi?


	16. And there is my lucky star...

Sara was sitting in the meeting room with both Cora and Jaal. They were discussing the recent developments at Kadara. There were maybe closer to establishing an outpost, if they played their cards right. Jaal did a good job while he was investigating the murders. They had already checked the sites and the clues pointed at the Roekaar. Reyes was in close cooperation and guided their movements. After they killed Farah together, they killed his ex-girlfriend as well. He was grateful, but Sara refused his invitation to Sloane’s party and had sent Cora instead. She kind of could not stand Reyes and she could tell that Cora was not happy about the idea either. It was time to finally deliver some useful intel, and it seemed that Reyes was capable of keeping his word. Things worked and Sloane was willing to cooperate. Finally.

“This is the cave.” Cora pointed at a digital 3D map of Kadara their scanners created. “According to Sloane, here is where she should meet the Charlatan.”

“This, does not feel right, Sara. I recommend caution. It might be a trap.” Said Jaal. He was used to methods common to Roekaar or even the rules of Kadara.

“Good point, Jaal. But we don’t have any other choice. Sloane feels vulnerable and wants to settle things down.” Said Sara. She did not like it any more than Jaal.

“I suggest let someone guard the other entrance here.” Cora pointed at some escape point good for a ship to enter.

“I don’t know, Cora. Charlatan emphasised to come alone. This could be risky.” Sara really did not know how to handle this.

“They surely would not play by the rules. Why do you think his name is Charlatan?” Sara knew Cora was right but they could not risk possibility of a peaceful resolution.

“No, we need to try. At least…. I want you and Jaal waiting for me near the Cave. I’ll be there on time.” She stood up to get ready as soon as possible.

“Where are you going, Sara?”Jaal asked.

“That location Peebee gave us is not far from there. I’ll stop there with her before meeting Sloane.” Said Sara calmly. She expected Cora to protest and shout at her.

“Understood, Sara.” Said she only and Sara looked at her amazed. This was the first time Cora was not questioning her decisions about missions not connected to their main task. She smiled at her thankfully and nodded.

“And good luck. Hope you will find that stupid bot.” Sara heard while walking to get her armour. Yeah. They were one a hell of a family. She was committed to protect it at all the cost.

 

***

Peebee rushed in the house nervously. When she saw Poc there broken, her eyes filled with anger. She will skin Kalinda alive for touching her bot. Then she noticed a Turian trying to unsuccessfully hide from them.

“Ryder, he’s got Poc. She’s broken, though.” Said Peebee to Ryder. All the trace from their emotional blast was gone and Peebee looked as normal as before. Sara felt glad.

“Guess Kalinda didn’t take very good care of her…” She noticed how Peebee had bitten her lower lip.

“I’m going to kill that bitch and teach her a lesson to not touch my stuff!” Peebee looked like a lunatic and aimed a weapon at the Turian kneeling close to them.

“Speak up you prehistoric lizard… Now, or I blow your brain out.” Sara gently put her hand on Peebee’s gun which worked like a magic on Peebee and calmed her down a bit. This was all too personal for her.

“Hey. I don’t want any trouble. I found this side abandoned.” He raised his hands but his tone was arrogant. Sara wished to punch him now. “By scavenger law, it’s all mine…” Yeah, especially for that.

“Bullshit…” Said Sara and walked closer to the Turian. She looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“Look, you have something that is ours and was stolen from us. You really want to play this cheap lie on this pissed Asari here?” Turian got more nervous.

“You don’t need to mention pissed Asaris… The group which left this place was led by a pain-in-the-ass one with a mean-as-spit krogan toadie... They’ve been picking Remnant sites clean all over. Never leave anything worthwhile behind….”

“But this time, they did…” Peebee said through nearly closed lips.

“Yeah…” Said turian and Sara noticed Peebee was losing patience. Not that she had a lot though.

“We know who was here, and who could fry your ass like a pancake if you don’t do right by us… We want that bot, and don’t play your luck.” Said Sara in a warning tone. Anything personal for her crew was personal for her too. And she was tired of selfish bastards like this who thought only about a profit but nothing else.

“Okay… okay.. what do you think is fair for the observer?” Said the Turian giving up his hopes for a high profit.

“Take this… and consider yourself lucky you Rachni’s spit.” Said Peebee handing him credits. She played by the rules although she would just take Poc without questions. Drack was already next to the observer and was taking him on his big back. Nothing a Krogan could not handle. Peebee was right next to him, touching Poc like a human being. Sara smiled.

“I’ll get her to the Tempest and put her together. I’ll ask Kallo to pick us up here. Are you sure you don’t want us to come there with you, Ryder?” Peebee asked. Her voice sounded worried.

“No, that’s fine. Jaal and Cora are already waiting for me.”

“Well... okay. Just don’t let anyone kick your ass there. That’s only my property, let’s not forget that…” Peebee winked at her and followed Drack who chuckled. Sara walked alone to the Nomad. The meeting place was not far away from here.

***

Reyes proved to be a total asshole in the end, the Charlatan himself. He lied to them all and tried to shoot Sloane in the back. That was exactly what Sara did not like. Backward-thinking types who could not keep their word. Double games might had been common back on the Milky Way, but here in Andromeda Sara believed in a different start. But a year without hope and rules seemed to create the same type of shit as they had back home, those who fought their small and unimportant fights. Like an Angara holding a water for herself on Elaaden letting everyone play by her own rules…  Like that stupid Turian holding Peebee’s bot. Like Reyes playing power wars instead of thinking of a way to change things to peace. He was no better than Sloane, he just thought he was. She, at least, played straight with Sara since the start and that was why she chose to protect her and even shoot that man in the back. He would never forget her for it, but she did not care. He was finished in her list. She did not have a time for liars.

They were back on their ship. Sara was sending coordinates to the Initiative for a new outpost under the Sloane’s protection. She was sure Sloane would keep her word. If not, she was determined to come and shoot her ass too.

There was a knock on a wall, as Peebee already invited herself in.

“Working hard already?” She asked walking towards Sara. She just nodded from the computer and clicked to send the email. She felt tired. From everything. Peebee walked behind her and touched Sara’s arm… Sara jerked away in pain. She tried to hide it but blood coloured her shirt.

“What the… You are hurt you idiot... “ Said Peebee and turned the chair towards her. Ryder was protesting.

“Just a scratch, Peebee…”

“Yeah, sure, because your shirt naturally changes colours, right?” Her voice was strict and angry. Her original plan was to talk to Ryder about that last event and thank her for finding Poc, but now she really had an urge to slap her.

“I’m coming for Lexi, and I hope she’s gonna scold you like a brat...” Before Sara could stop her, Peebee was away.

Great. Two pissed Asaris, both she slept with, in a one room. This would be a show. Her lucky star must have truly loved her...


	17. Love triangle

Lexi rushed into the Sara’s room like an unleashed dragon and Peebee behind her. Sara was already sitting on her bed expecting a tornado and praying to all kinds of gods of the Milky Way to protect her from making any mistakes which would make any of them suspicious.

Lexi was the first one in the room and she gave Sara that angry look like always. Sara just smiled. She missed Lexi so much, after what happened. They had not spoken since then, but this look felt cuter.

“Reckless again as I can see.” Said Lexi in a cold voice and walked towards Sara.

“I promise, I’d planed to come to see you right after I finished that report.” Said Ryder in her defence.

“Shut up, Ryder… Let Matriarch work right away would not kill any of those bastards on Nexus.” Ryder leaned on a side a bit and saw Peebee standing near the door watching her closely.

“I need to agree with Peebee this time. Your life is more important than those …. fucking… madmen there. And you should finally realise it, Ryder.” Lexi swore passionately which made Peebee laugh.

“I didn’t know something like this could escape your mouth, doc…” Said Peebee still laughing. It was maybe the first compliment she gave to the doctor. _Yeah, you would be really surprised, Peebee._ Thought Sara. She followed Lexi’s moves with side of her eyes but tried to fix her stare everywhere else than her face.

“Will you get rid of that shirt, or you need my help, Ryder?” Lexi sat next to Sara and looked at her with raised eyebrows. She was truly an excellent actor. The reality was, that she felt nervous being so close to Sara again, and especially under Peebee’s supervision.

At first, Ryder looked at her puzzled... She completely forgot she was injured. Peebee watched that quite amused and had come closer. She had sit on the other side next to Sara.

“Feeling embarrassed in front of our beloved doc? I can help you…” Sara was too fast with her action as she got rid of her T-shirt. She would rather fight Archon now than look at any of them. Floor look as an interesting subject to explore.

There was a gunshot wound. Fortunately, the bullet went through her arm and she was not in any serious danger. Lexi sighted, trying to hold her screaming feelings on hold. What Peebee said made her furious… Not angry with Sara, though… She noticed how Sara was following the scratches on the floor and could guess what she was thinking about. They agreed this to be a one-time thing and Lexi knew that Peebee was somehow interrelated to Sara. More than a friend it seemed. Lexi did not need to be a genius to notice the guilt in her eyes.

“I’m getting tired of scolding you, Ryder… Once and for all, medi-gel is not enough for a gunshot. Ok?” Her voice was calmer than usual, sounded more tired than angry. She started to clean her wound. First touch was rush and cold...

Sara had bitten her lip in pain. She deserved it. For hurting two women she cared the most about. Guilt was overcoming her and adding some masochistic tendencies to her veins. She needed that pain of the gunshot, or Lexi’s cold touch. Peebee was playful, but Sara was not sure whether she could sleep with her again. Not after every day being reminded that they all lived under one roof. She would rather die by loneliness than endanger her family.

“Hey, careful doc… Ryder is an ass but don’t make it bigger, will ya?” Said Peebee watching how Ryder shivered… There was something strange going on. She could sense it. Why was Ryder so silent? Looked so embarrassed? Did not look at any of them at all? Especially Lexi?

“I’m sorry… it should be a bit better now.” Lexi apologised to her? Really… what was going on here?

“That’s... that’s fine... it does not hurt so much... really” Even Sara raised her eyes to Peebee apologetically. This was fishy, and Peebee never liked theatre. Well, only if she had a control over it. While Lexi was patching Sara’s wound, Peebee stood up and looked at them. It gave her more confidence to stand.

“Enough of this bullshit. You two are hiding something.” Said Peebee in a high tone and both of them looked at her shocked at the same time. Yep, she was right. They both swallowed her bait… So, it was true. There was some strange secret between them which also included her person somehow. What it….. no way… NO!

“Wait a second…” Peebee’s brain could work extremely fast, so they really did not have a chance to respond.

“You… you are the Asari, Ryder slept with…” Peebee pointed at Lexi… Lexi opened her mouth a bit, but there was nothing she could say. These were the consequences. She only looked at the side and sighted.

“Wow... I would… you really can exceed anyone’s expectations, Matriarch… Seduce Ryder… No one would really expect that from you. Professionalism only until Ryder gets naked, huh?” Said Peebee with such a cruelty which surprised even her. Jealousy was spreading through her heart too fast. Surely, she would regret these lines, but now, she just wanted to find someone to shout at.

“ENOUGH!” It was now the pathfinder who raised her voice at Peebee. She was holding her injured arm.

“If you want to direct your anger at someone, I am standing right here. Leave Lexi out of it. I was the one who pushed, ok?” Her insides were trembling. She would rather lose them both than turn them into hating each other. She could now and only sacrifice herself “Both of you didn’t know about I slept with both of you... So, I am the only one to blame.”

Peebee was staring at Ryder with anger and pain mixed together. “You want to be hated, Ryder? You think it’s that easy, huh? Helping everyone on this ship like some angel and then….” It was truly hard to transfer her anger on Ryder. It was easy with Lexi although Sara was right, and she maybe did not deserve it. But it was easier. Lexi raised and step a bit in-between those two.

“It was a mistake, Peebee. And it happened only once. It’s not true I didn’t know what was going on between you two. I knew…” Said Lexi in a calm voice although her heart was trembling. It was not completely true, she just guessed. And it was not true that she perceived it as a mistake.

“I’m sorry, Peebee. I haven’t realised how much you feel for Sara. I was just… lonely… that’s all.” Sara looked at Lexi with sad eyes... _No, Sara, please don’t look at me like that. It breaks my heart._ Lexi thought.

“Yeah… right… what? No, No, no.. don’t, don’t take me wrong... I don’t have.. I’m not attached to anyone... well, maybe a little. But that all was just sex, right? Like you two had... only sex.. right…. I don’t care… I just…. bye” Lexi’s suggestion that she might have fallen for Ryder made her anger disappear. The urge to run was back. And she really needed to run back to her escape pod, to her sanctuary, back to her plush fluffy Geth. It was only a moment when Peebee disappeared.

“Fuck…. FUCK…” Said Sara angrily and moved her hand so wild that her wound nearly opened. Sara fainted back on her bed and hid her face in her hands.

“I’m so sorry Lexi… This should not have happened… I’m so sorry to you both…” Sara was broken. This was too much, but she could not cry, she could not let herself let her feelings go. Last time she did, it hurt two most important women in her life.

Lexi was watching Sara there on her bed. Her hands were shaking. She did not really feel betrayed as she knew that Sara had commitments. She felt guilty partially for Peebee and partially for Sara. This was the reason why she did not want to start anything and hide her growing interest in Sara’s well-being behind her walls. She should had been the responsible one and not let this drama happen. What they will do when Sara breaks again? What the crew would think if Peebee refused to talk to Ryder? All of that would lead to questions. One thing which united her and Peebee was their shared care for Sara.

Something broke Lexi’s pride and she sat next to Ryder again. She gently touched her back, getting back into her role as a psychologist and her doctor. There was a question she needed to ask although it was breaking her heart. Sara raised her eyes to Lexi. The pain she could see there made her feel even more miserable.

“Do you love her, Sara? She cares for you beyond a simple friendship.” She asked quietly.

Sara could not believe Lexi asked this here out loud after all of this drama. She was thankful in a way that she stayed, but this question… She would rather see Lexi angry than this. She looked back on the floor.

“I don’t think so… no… I would die for Peebee, but I couldn’t return…. I could not return her kiss after…” She looked at Lexi again. “after that night...” Sara was looking directly in Lexi’s eyes, stripping herself from any defences. It did not matter.

Lexi bit her lower lip. That answer was harder to process than the question. Sara, however, continued.

“That doesn’t matter now, anyway. I don’t deserve any of you after this. Not even your friendship. Nothing.” Lexi looked at her, she needed to do something before Sara would get back to that black hole she was once again.

“Look, Sara. Whoever you love or not…” That was a very bad formulation… she quickly continued… “Surely, you are not going to lose me…” _Never, Sara…_ “I’m your doctor…” _and I love you_ … “and I’m sure Peebee will forgive you. She is just going through a hard time, but when you two speak again…” _Or, maybe, kiss…_ “It will be ok…” She tried to smile and gently touched Sara’s arm… Yes, she was her doctor… That came with responsibility…

Sara smiled and touched Lexi’s hand. She did not deserve any of them. Both were there for her when she was so down... It happened so many times she could not count. “Thank you… I believe you are right….” She looked at Lexi when she perplexed their fingers.

“I would die anytime for you too…” Lexi’s breath deepened by that look. “I don’t think, however, that I could come back to what was before”.. meaning friends-with-benefits type of relationship. “it just hurt people I care about too much. And I don’t think I deserve Peebee either. Not after being so blind to her feelings…” She kept staring into Lexi’s eyes, wanted to tell her that she felt her heart turning more to her than Peebee, but that just deepened her guilt. Lexi held her hand for a while, but needed to leave Sara before something else happened.

“I will talk to Peebee. Please, get some sleep.” Lexi stood up. Sara’s wound was ok now, it would get healed. “Now…” Said she in a stricter voice and uncovered the bed.

“Get in…” Sara obeyed without any objections uttered out loud. Lexi looked in one of the shelves, searching for sedatives she prescribed to Sara for her nightmares. When she opened the first shelf she saw a picture of Sara and her family. How did it end up in a shelf and was not on the table? But that was a question for another time. She also noticed a package and got two pills.

She sat close to Sara who was now in bed and handed her the pills. “Here, take these…” Sara raised a bit to obey and swallowed the medicine.

“Lexi…?” Sara closed her eyes...

“Yes, Sara?” There was a silence at first…

“Could you please stay here with me until I fall asleep?” The voice was broken and very lonely. The urge behind it was strong and terrified. It surely took Sara a lot of courage to ask her.

“Of course, Sara.” Lexi raised her hand and tenderly touched Sara’s head. “Good night…”


	18. One big family...

Lexi was standing in front of the Escape pod chamber. It was locked, but she was sure Peebee was not asleep. She could not sleep either.

“Sam, open the door. Medical authorization.” Said Lexi and the door unlocked. She really should find time to thank him for protecting them. SAM had not informed anybody about this mess. She walked in. The room was in a complete dark. Lexi needed to wait for a moment to adjust before she could notice a small light coming from the open escape pod.

A visible blue aura was the only source creating the light and it had come from Peebee. She was sitting on the floor, hugging her legs. Opposite her was the plush toy from Sara, but Peebee was hiding face in her knees. Lexi slowly walked closer, just right to the entrance of the pod. Poc was silent.

“What do you want?” Uttered Peebee not raising her head.

“I’ve come to talk, Peebee…”

“There is nothing to talk about… I’m fine…”

“Really?” Lexi said and sat next to Peebee, but on the seat not the floor, so she was higher. Lexi’s eyes traced the toy. This was really a painful experience for Peebee. “You haven’t call me Matriarch yet, so I don’t buy you’re ok…”

“We can always change that…” Peebee said still facing the floor. She had not moved a bit when Lexi was so close. This was really bad.

“Peebee, look… I know you feel like the whole world has abandoned you…” Peebee’s grip on her legs tightened. “But, that’s not the case… You are part of the family, Peebee.” Lexi touched her arm.

“I’m not one of your specimen…. Just… just leave me alone…” Peebee was shaking. The defence Peebee raised against Lexi was not honest. She did not take those words seriously. Lexi slid next to Peebee on the floor to be on an equal level of her pain.

“No, you’re not a specimen. You are my friend…. And I’m here for you.”  Peebee finally raised her eyes on Lexi. They were red from tears… and frightened. Peebee was shaken and vulnerable. Lexi continued.

“I’ve heard about Kalinda… I read the reports and know that she got you from the Cryo… and was since then following your steps like a shadow. But, mostly, I know she broke your heart Peebee. It is worse than be shot by a gun…” Lexi raised her hand to wipe a new tear on Peebee’s cheek. Her voice was soft and warm. Nearly like from an older sister. It was a good sign Peebee had not tell her to go away. She was listening and processing.

“I know how it is to feel abandoned and broken… Maybe it’s Sara who should sit here instead, but I forced her to sleep… and.. she is not the only member of the crew who cares for you, Peebee.” Said Lexi with a calm smile. This was not the doctor talking, but a person who felt sad for her.

Peebee could not believe the side the doctor showed her. She could not believe it especially because she was sure, the whole issue hurt Lexi as well as it hurt her. Well, maybe. Peebee looked at the plush geth.

“I’m sorry….”

“For what?”

“For shouting at you there…. I didn’t mean it…” Said Peebee towards her knees. It bothered her that she was so cruel to Lexi. It wasn’t her fault. Despite being mean to her most of the time, Peebee was not stupid. She knew that Lexi cared for them all.

“I know you didn’t…” Lexi smiled at her again and touched her head like a caring mother.

“I was jealous…. Sara is an asshole…” She uttered.

“Maybe a little…. If you stayed you’d see how devastating was for her to see you in such a state…” Said Lexi petting her head... It somehow calmed Peebee down. She owned doc for this despite she slept with the same woman.

“Sara cares for you….” Peebee looked at Lexi again.

“She cares for everyone, that’s the problem…. That’s stupid… very stupid… “ Peebee sighted.

“I was the one talking about no strings, but when I found out…. fuck..” she bumped her head on her legs again. She felt like a teenage girl right now.

“You might be in love, Peebee… It never happens the way we wish….” Said Lexi… This was with the utmost honesty. She did not wish to fell for Sara too.. It just happened…

“Heh… doc… like you aren’t, huh?” Peebee was amused and she delivered that look to Lexi. It was Lexi now who looked at the side.

“Yep.. I thought so.. perfect Quarian-style soap opera…” Peebee giggled. What Lexi always kind of admired on Peebee was the speed with which she could return to her joking nature. Lexi smiled.

“Maybe…. a good comparison…” Yes, this whole thing looked like a bad soap opera. Peebee looked at the toy in front of her again.

“Sara doesn’t love me… not in that way. I’ve known since that night. That frustrated me. It doesn’t matter it was you, doc. I don’t know who she loves, but it’s not me for sure.” Lexi bit her lip nervously…

“Don’t worry doc... I’ll be fine. I wasn’t sure about my feelings either. Too many things happening…” she paused for a moment.

“Maybe you are right... Maybe I’m really worried that Sara would abandon me… I don’t want to… I don’t want to be alone there again…” Peebee looked somewhere towards the galaxy. Then she continued and looked back at Lexi.

“Thank you, doc.. For coming.. and caring….” Lexi smiled. Peebee acted as a full grown-up.

“Anytime, Peebee.” Peebee leaned on a side and rested her head on Lexi’s arm. She felt too tired and she was just happy not be alone now.

“Don’t get too flattered… You are still a Matriarch.” Lexi laughed and let Peebee to lean on her.

“Ok, I won’t… I’m glad you are feeling better, Peebee.” She just nodded and closed her eyes.

“But, tell me one thing, doc…”

“What is it?” Peebee smirked like a true devil.

“What part of Sara’s body made you sin?” Lexi’s face got dark blue in embarrassment. 

“Peebee!!!” was the only word she could utter.

“For me, it was her ass... definitely…” Said she, before she fell asleep.


	19. The only way...

Sara opened her eyes. She had a good and dreamless night. Lexi’s sedatives worked like a charm.

“Good morning, Sara…” Talking about magic, it appeared to Sara that the last day was maybe a nightmare, as Lexi was sitting next to her, in her typical white & red dress looking at her. The illusion felt almost perfect when Lexi straightened her arm and started to scan her. She never thought she would miss this movement so much.

“Am I dead?” Said Sara and slowly moved her body into a sitting position. She felt weak.

“Not until I have something to say about it.” Lexi looked at her omni-tool screen and analysed the results. Sara was not in her best. Her body was weakened by the recent stress, especially her immunity. The ship was on its way to Havarl, with a short stop at Voeld. Poisonous jungle or freezing planet, both were not suitable for Sara’s body right now.

“Lexi…” Said Sara and looked at the Asari sitting beside her, doing her job like nothing ever happened between them.

“Yes?”

“Did you really mean... what you said yesterday?” Asked Sara quietly. Her heart felt exhausted, but it still had a beam of hope. Lexi raised her eyes from the screen towards Sara.

“Which part?” Asked she… Her brain was working fast… She did not like where this was going.

“That…“ Sara bit her lip. She had not any right to ask Lexi this, but she just needed one answer. “That you considered that night a mistake.”

Lexi sighted. What she could say to Sara? She enjoyed every piece of that experience, but it fired out the way she was afraid it would. The one who would come out of it the worst would be Sara or Peebee. Even Peebee looked this morning better than the woman sitting before her.

“Sara….” She started slowly and Sara looked away.

“No… forget about it… that’s fine.. It’s not important.” She started to move on the bed to possibly get out... Her movement looked too confused and unsystematic.

“I don’t know what I was thinking... Sorry… I’ll get dressed… I…” A blue hand stopped her from doing anything else. That touch nearly made Sara cry. She felt so weak… so fucking weak now, and the multiple species depended on her arms which felt just too weak… on her bones which felt like breaking any time soon... muscles too painful to move as the brain wished….

Her whole movement froze. She was stopped in a kneeling position, her back turned to Lexi. Her long hair was freely falling on her face, covering the emotions. She was still without a shirt, only in her bra with a bandage on the wound.

Lexi was holding her wrist and looking at her. Sara looked like a wounded animal, lost, in pain… In this stage, she was sure that Sara would literally through herself into any danger not protecting herself. If Sara was to fight Archon, yes, she could win but, surely, she would die. Broken people usually felt they could not lose any more of their soul. They would always risk their lives and die. That was how heroes died. It was the worst attitude she could have, Lexi thought. This was not a mood Sara should have fought with. She would be killed and that terrified Lexi in her core. Not only as her doctor, but someone who cared for her deeply.

Lexi climbed on the bed and moved behind Sara. She let Ryder’s hand go and slowly embraced this broken creature from behind. Lexi appeared higher than Sara in this position, so it looked nearly like Lexi was protecting Sara from above.

Sara kept staring in front of her, her vision clouded by the strips of her dark brown hair. Feeling Lexi behind her felt somehow distant. It was like a slow motion and took a while when her skin could recognise the cloth of the doctor’s dress. Her hands were lying like wooden logs surrounding her waist.  Maybe she was dying… She could not feel any warmth getting into her body from Lexi, the guilt and loneliness creating a thick super-skin on her own, making her heart feel freezing as being convicted to Voeld forever.

There was a simple word for this condition. Depression. A serious one. Lexi was aware of it, she knew it well from her experience and had experienced it herself. She realised that the yesterday drama opened Sara’s barriers and let all failures and complex decisions to haunt her thoughts.

Lexi’s embrace got more intimate. She kissed Sara gently on her hair. She needed to do something… Because, if not, Sara would surely stop to eat properly and let herself get killed. Something she feared was here and the way out would mean to ask for help of the whole crew. _I’m going to get you out of the dark, Sara. I promise._ She whispered only in her thoughts. This was the fight she was built for and needed to win. No other Victoria was on the list. Not on her list, not ever again…

***

After Lexi gave Sara more sedatives to sleep she walked out her room. She needed to act fast.

“SAM?”

_I’m listening, Dr T’Perro._

“SAM.. you need to inform me every 10 minutes about Sara’s mental processes. If her brain activity was raising or falling.”

_Of course, doctor. Sara is in a critical mental condition._

“I know, SAM” Said she and walked into the med-bay. “She is experiencing a serious depression. Try to keep her calm and asleep. I need her to be stable until I finish what I need to do. Could you help me with that SAM?”

_I will, Dr T’Perro._

“Thank you, SAM. And, please. Call Peebee in my room. ASAP.”

_Right away, doctor._

***

It took only few minutes when Peebee rushed into the med-bay. Her face was worried and looked around immediately as she was expecting seeing Ryder dead on one of the beds.

“What happened, doc? SAM said it was a matter of death and life…” She said with a worried tone, which calmed Lexi down. Peebee cared about Ryder too much to be really angry with her long. SAM did a good job of scaring her like this, she would not be able to see such an honest reaction.

“In a way, it is… Please, Peebee sit down.” Peebee froze for a moment. Ryder was not there. This was not about her, or was it?

“Sit down… that sounds serious…” Joked she a bit although it was filled with anxiety.

“It is serious, Peebee… And it can be deadly if we don’t act fast.”

“Ok, doc. You are scaring a shit out of me..” Said Peebee and sat down opposing her. Doc never looked so serious before.

“Sara is deeply depressed… Yesterday was a trigger. She is blaming herself for everything. Your pain, mine… Drack’s…. Surely, she thinks of Alec’s death. Coma... everything now.” She paused for a moment to scan Peebee’s reaction. Peebee just bit her lip and looked like she wanted to punch some invisible evil.

“I need your help, Peebee. We need to do something responsible and serious. The pathfinder… No.. Sara needs us. She needs our strength.” Peebee looked her in the eyes.

“What is it? Just don’t tell me it’s threesome. Not that you are not cute but…” It was typical of Peebee that when the situation was the most serious her jokes lose out of leash like a wild horny beast.

“If it would be that simple… but no..”  Said Lexi and smiled sadly. She was willing to do anything for Ryder now, even if it meant to have that threesome. But, fortunately, that was not the case. The resolution was less enjoyable.

“We need to tell the crew everything. About our relationship with Sara, about her state… Everything.. that’s the only way.” Said Lexi.

“Wait..” Said Peebee and jumped out. She could not sit any longer. “Wait, doc.. that’s crazy. Even for me… for you…. How this is supposed to help Ryder? You just get fired if somebody utters a word out of this ship and Sara would feel even worse.” Said Peebee. Her voice sounded worried and confused.

“Because only a true circle of trust can help Sara. She needs to see that we are truly a family she believes in. And that she is not alone. That was what was keeping her going on all this time. She would die for any of us, but now she feels she is the reason and would be the reason of our corruption. If she sees that no one is willing to condemn any of us, mine our your position on this ship, and no one blames her for certain decisions she needed to make... It would help her greatly.” Explained Lexi the issue to Peebee.

“But that’s still a huge risk. You cannot be sure everyone would be ok with something like this. Or that they would not say anything to the Initiative…. How could you be so certain? I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay here for a long time.” Said Peebee. She was terrified of this option but she felt she would do it if necessary. For Sara. For her help, her smile, the small fluffy geth in her room.

“And here you are Peebee. Worrying about a woman who hurt you. I believe in you. I believe in this crew. I spent hours thinking about every member here, reading their history, trying to understand their state. I know that Sara already proved herself to them and they cared about her as a friend. She helped Vetra, Liam… She was ready any time Cora asked to go and fetch for the Asari ark… She listened to Jaal when he asked to save his people… and so much more. They don’t need more proof. I’m sure.” Said Lexi.

“But that still doesn’t guarantee that you stay here.” Said Peebee quietly.

“That’s fine. If it happened, and the Initiative found out, I’m ready to face them. I’m not scare of them anymore. Fuck them.” Said Lexi and Peebee smiled.

“I like this side of you doc… You should show it more often.” Said Peebee and then looked at the door. “So, what are we waiting for, then?”


	20. Capable of forgiving...

It was too early in the morning for a meeting. At least for some on the Tempest. They had still two days before they reached Voeld, and they wanted to use the time to get some rest. Anyway, everyone gathered in the comm room, including Suvi and Kallo; just to find two Asari waiting for them.

 “Where’s Ryder?” Vetra was the first one to blow up the silence. Everyone was curious and a strict look Lexi had did not foretell anything good happening.

 “Not coming…” Said Peebee.

 “Is this some planned rebellion against Sara?” Asked Jaal quite worried. If they tried to strip Sara of the command he really did not wanted to be part of it.

 “Nope….” Peebee’s lips were a thin line. Her answers were too short and too… unlike Peebee. Cora could not hold it anymore.

“What is happening? Speak you two… Is the Pathfinder hurt?” Cora crossed arms on her chest and raised her eyebrow. Lexi was the one who spoke this time.

“Yes… in a way. She is hurt… mentally.” Lexi scanned everyone with her eyes. They were definitely worried and that was a good sign. It was a worry friends usually had.

“What happened to Sara, Lexi…” Suvi said in her typical Scottish accent.

“Maybe Drack said something to her…” Said Liam and deserved a weak slap by Drack’s hand.

“Shut up, kid…. Let the doc speak.” Scolded an old Krogan Liam’s big mouth.

“The Pathfinder went through some difficult mental breakdowns since she followed her role. These states were graduating and the first serious mental breakdown was after rescuing the Salarian ark.” Lexi was looking at everybody and trying to keep her voice on the professional level. Peebee was silently looking at her. Now she looked like her personal bodyguard.

“Sara was devastated for leaving Drack’s scouts to die. She felt like betraying him…” Said Lexi and looked at Drack.

“That kid just worry too much… This is war…. a big and ugly one.”

“Yes, Drack. She worries too much. That is a part of the problem. As it was perplexed with her own death, the experience of a betrayal was mostly intensified. It made Sara to feel more intimately connected to any of you here. That death made her change more she could realise, more she let you all know.”

“Oh… Sara…” Suvi uttered. Others were silent in their thoughts, so Lexi continued.

“Peebee told me that right after this happened, Nexus had another bad surprise for Sara. Not only she dealt with the expectations of the Initiative, but she met some angry civilians….” Lexi said.

“To cut it short, one bitch accused Sara of being a looser, a weakling, or whatever reason of her problems. Sara tried to get drunk in Vortex… I found her there.” Said Peebee playing along Lexi’s narration.

“This only highlighted Sara’s vision of herself. Fortunately, Peebee found a way how to help her … let’s say… found a better and healthier shortcut to relaxation than alcohol. And it helped Sara to cope with it… for a while.” Said Lexi. Peebee moved nervously.

“What was the ritual, Peebee?” Asked Jaal innocently. He was seriously asking it innocently and Gil chuckled.

“They had sex…” Said Drack almost bored. Peebee rolled her eyes. Yeah, the old dino had a chance to shine.

“WHAT? For how long... WHAT?” Cora looked surprised. How this could escape her attention? Those two?

“You know, princess. You get naked, you kiss, you stick your…” Started Peebee patiently explaining.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.. cut it loose. We get the picture” Gill stopped that nonsense. Lexi showed something close to facepalm but continued.

“Anyway… That attached Sara even closer to all of you…” Said she.

“They were bounding to us while mating? Interesting practice…” Said Jaal amazed.

“Now you know what would you get into, if Peebee really meant to fuck you Jaal.” Said Liam and laughed. Although the whole issue with Sara was not a laughing matter at all, there was still some place for humour.

“No… not that way Jaal.” This was harder than Lexi thought. “Those gifts she gave you… To all of us.. Appeared in her mind after that day. She was secretly hunting something special for every one of you.” They all remembered those small gifts in their rooms. A big box full of sweet cookies in Vetra’s room; movie collection for Liam; a model of the Tempest for Kallo; book of poetry for Jaal; collection of seeds for Cora’s future garden… Every of them had something special from Sara.

“That kid gave me a nice knife from the first Architect we have beaten.” Said Drack and slapped his waist. He had it with him always. Nice weapon.

“Well, I got those poker gloves and I’ll beat your ass with them.” Said Gill to show off and Drack looked at him like at a weakling. Weapon was better.

Suvi just smiled as she got a simple, but a handmade wooden cross from her.

“Anyway… Sara needed to express somehow she cared for us. Unfortunately, it was not coming only from love she felt, but a growing loneliness triggered by the depression she tried to keep away from everyone….” No one really reacted to the fact, Sara was breaking up, but there was still too much to tell them.

“And… Even bounds she already created seemed to hang above her like a Damocles sword…” Said Lexi.

“You mentioned that the breakdown after Drack… was the first one.” Said Cora looking at Lexi. She was quite distressed.

“Yes. The other one was triggered yesterday and fully uncovered itself just two hours ago.” Said Lexi quietly.

“What happened to Sara? Was she hurt during the operation on Kadara?” Asked Kallo this time. They were obviously puzzled.

Peebee was watching Lexi how she was fighting to find a strength to tell them more. She raised her hand and squized Lexi’s arm. It was a silent support Lexi needed and appreciated.

“Well everyone knows now that me and Ryder were fucking sometimes, yeah?” She traced any comments but when none had come she continued. Everyone seemed surprised that Peebee was acting like someone else. At least towards the doctor.

“Sooo… Everyone heard that rumour about that Asari Sara kind of fucked well... I was jealous and …” Peebee said giving Lexi time. “I kind of did not help Sara to process emotions. I wanted more and…”

“That’s ok Peebee.” Lexi said and touched her hand and then looked at the crew. “It was me that unknown Asari on Kadara. Me and Ryder spent a night there.” The silence was too deep, too shocked…..

“Sara was… She desired to forget, for some reason with me and for my own personal past and so much more, I allowed it.. I wanted it too. Sara did not realise that Peebee was attached to her more than she expected. Maybe she knew it but just decided to ignore. We promised it to be only a one-time thing but that did not matter at the end. When the whole drama blew up, Sara was completely crushed by guilt.” It was so hard, she felt those eyes on her... On their doctor with a professional mask who did a horrible move and endangered the mission….

“When she saw Peebee taking it harder… Sara perceived the whole issue too intensively. She promised herself to protect the crew as her family and she suddenly felt as a reason behind its destruction. This let Sara to give up her barriers and let self-destructive thoughts to get to her….” Said Lexi. Her voice was nearly trembling… No she needed to stay strong now.

“We fought yesterday.. a bit.. well a lot..” Said Peebee. “Doc came to me afterwards and calmed me down… in a way… but today she noticed me that Sara is down... mentally… and that we should well.. Speak to you all about it.” Said Peebee. She was surprised how strong she felt. Maybe it was some urge to help doc after she had come to help her yesterday too. She was a caring person and she endangered herself the most by this revelation.

The room was silent for couple of minutes. Everyone needed to process it. Peebee hoped Lexi was right about the crew and their attachment to Sara, and that they would speak fast. Lexi was shaking a bit and looked like waiting for execution.

“Well...” Liam spoke first and all the eyes turned to him that he backed a step away.

“Heh, well.. I just hope you see the importance of that movie night I proposed…” This was maybe the most stupid thing someone could say in this situation, but it helped to cut the silence.

“Just no drama, kid... please. This was too much for a century to go.” Chuckled Drack and had come closer to the two Asari in some kind of a protective movement.

“Urge is a bitch….and love is the best Poker player I know...” Said Gill and smiled mysteriously at Lexi.

“My god this is such a mess… Tann would take our ship if he finds out…” Said Cora facepalming, looking like a worried big sister. If she had an urge to kill them, she took it quite well.

“He cannot. I already changed the access codes to the controls.” Said Kallo... He did it right after the Initiative questioned Sara’s plan with Meridian.

“And we have Kesh there. She surely will sneak up some resources to us.” Said Vetra and her eyes sparkled enthusiastically. She enjoyed pirate style of life.

“What about SAM?” Asked Suvi.

 _Don’t worry Dr Anwar. I’m capable of locking the door to the Node._ Said an artificial voice above them.

Peebee was watching this planning in progressed and was herself touched by this crazy band of aliens. They were already searching for a solution if someone tried to blackmail them, this crew. Lexi was right about them, and Peebee was proud to be part of this circus. She looked at Lexi. She was smiling. Her eyes were tired, but she was smiling.

Jaal coughed. “Well, but… that’s happening after. Doctor. What do you suggest to help Sara? Why you informed us about this?” He looked at the doctor. Vetra walked towards her and put her arm on Lexi’s shoulder in support. They were ready.

“Thank you all for this. I knew you would never let Sara down.” She smiled. She was proud too to be part of this group.

“What Sara needs is to see it by her own eyes. That we are a one and big crazy family… capable of forgiving each other.”


	21. Help, Ryder… Your ex wants to kill me.

Headache was the reason why Sara woke up. Slowly she raised her upper body on the bed in sitting position.

“What’s the time, SAM?” She rubbed her eyes. Cold was crawling under her skin. The feeling of freezing had not left her still.

 _3 pm, Sara._ Said the artificial voice in her head.

Sara looked around but the room was empty. Lexi was not there anymore. Maybe it was better. Sara tried to pull herself up on her feet but they felt heavy. It felt like her body was not hers anymore.

“SAM. How long until we reach Voeld?”

_28 hours, Sara. I recommend to use the time for a good rest._

“Easy to say, hard to do.” Said Sara ironically and moved towards the shower. She just stripped on the way. She did not care about anything right now.

There was usually a limited amount of water available, so her activity did not take long. She missed long and purifying showers on Earth. If Liam asked her what she missed, she would definitely say long showers. Without a continuing stream of water, she did not even have a strength to cry.

With a towel around her neck she got out and moved directly towards the closet. She did not notice that someone was sitting on her bed.

“Hmmm, nice view, Ryder…” Said Peebee watching her, legs crossed, looking like willing to seduce anyone interested.

Sara nearly had heart attack and jumped….  “Fuck… Peebee…. what…” it took her a minute before she realised she was still naked and furiously grabbed anything resembling a shirt from the closet.

“Relax, Ryder. I’ve seen you naked... Remember?” Said she playfully and walked towards her. “But, if you need help…” She touched her arm with only a one finger. Sara looked at her, but similarly as with Lexi, she did not feel a thing. The cold super-skin was too thick. Her soul was too tired. Sara sighted.

“I’m glad to see you are ok now.” She turned her back to Peebee and started to get dressed. Again, slowly. The first shock disappeared and with it all the feelings resembling a healthy human being.

“Oh, come ooon. You’re like a granny now. And, I’m the older one here.” She poked Sara, but no reaction. Lexi was right. Sara was broken. Her voice was empty.

Sara was silent, just staring at the corner. She did not know what to say… When she zipped her pants, she turned and looked at Peebee.

“I’m sorry Peebee. For everything. But... don’t waste time here with me. I’m not the best companion now.” Peebee crossed her arms on her chest.

“You owe me, Ryder. Do you hear me?” She said with a raised voice. Sara looked at the floor. She felt too weak to face Peebee. She just wished to go out on Voeld, to shoot some Kett, do some good and be useful.

“I’m talking to you so look here, you boring human.” Said Peebee strictly which made Sara to look at her again.

“You owe me more than simple ‘go away, don’t care’… I’m not buying your miserable and depressed look. I’m not buying you just GAVE UP.” She articulated the last two words with a strong force.

Sara looked at the side, then at Peebee again. She was here to cheer her up, not to scold her. Not to remind her how she fucked it all up.

“I’m… I’m sorry…” Said Sara quietly.

“Yeah, you already said that... let me see… thousand times? To everybody? You are even capable of saying sorry to some Kett ass. Next time, let’s say sorry to Archon, shall we?” Said Peebee and Sara raised her hand and rubbed her eyelids…

“What’s the deal, Peebee? What do you want me to do? This is not a joke... nothing is a joke. Not even your feelings I hurt… It’s just too much sometimes, ok? I just... I just want to be alone now.” Said Sara and walked towards her table with intention to work.

Peebee grabbed Sara by the hand, turned her towards her and slapped her face hard. Sara could only feel the force and how everything got blurred so suddenly…. Peebee slapped her.

“Good advice you gave me last time... Just to slap you when you do something fucking stupid.” Peebee was looking at her shaking with anger. Sara looked at her surprised.

“Everyone on this ship is worried about you because… because you are an ASS!!! Hear me clearly, Ryder? YOU ARE AN ASS!” She shouted at Ryder staring at her quite amazed by Peebee’s behaviour.

“You chose to carry that weight by yourself.  That is selfish Ryder. I know it well, because I’m the same…” Peebee looked at the side, her hands closed in fists.

“I WAS the same… I’m trying to change… and you know why? You fucking retard???” She looked at Sara uncappable of speaking.

“Because of YOU! you idiot…. You showed me that someone can care…so much.. for fucking everybody… You opened the door for me as a total stranger… to this ship to this amazing crew, because you’ve known we can get along. You fought for us here. To get along. You laughed at all my jokes and supported me, got my Poc… fought for everybody all the time. And you dared to hide your feelings from us all. Even from me... From the doc…” She pushed a finger to Sara’s chest.

“So…. don’t… don’t dare to be alone… Don’t fucking dare or I kill you myself….!” Sara’s eyes were wet a little from this dramatical and honest act. Peebee’s words touched her tired soul with a caring force and she was amazed. Just too amazed to even move, that was how much those words meant for her.

“I…. I…. okay…” Was all Sara could say. Peebee was looking at her long too minutes before she released that finger away from Sara which in a way allowed Sara to breathe again.

“Hmm. There we go. Better attitude. So, obey and be a good Pathfinder. The crew is waiting for you at the Coom room.” Said Peebee and smirked. Never underestimate a good slap from a woman.

 

***

Sara walked the stairs up to the meeting room. Peebee was following her like an abductor making sure she would not run away. Sara did not know what was going on. Everyone was waiting there… What was happening?

Lexi was standing in the corner watching the situation. It was a good choice to send Peebee for Ryder. Now the others needed do their part as well. Drack, however, needed to be first. He was the reason of the first mental breakdown and Lexi knew, his words would have a great effect on Sara. He was standing very close to the stairs and he immediately grabbed Sara by the arm.

“It’s time to talk, kid…” Said Drack and gently pushed Sara closer to everyone… She looked very puzzled. Her eyes looked tired despite the long sleep she had because of the sedatives. Peebee walked towards the doctor and stood next to her. A psychological effect, so Sara could see, they were on good terms.

Drack stopped and look at Sara. He was the oldest member of this crew, a father and someone who was down for a long time before a small Krogan baby girl was delivered to him. He knew how to care and he could be very gentle.

“Ryder…. kid… Our dear doctor told us, what was happening on this ship all along…” Sara gulped… what meant _all_? She looked at everyone a bit worried. Drack’s grasp intensified a bit.

“Calm down, kid. It’s ok… I know how you feel. I’m sure everyone here can understand what to feel like a shit means… Now, I just shoot worthless weaklings, but you know that I was nearly forgotten... and gave up.” Drack said and Sara looked at him. Yes, she remembered. It was Kesh who gave him strength to fight again.

“Doctor and Peebee told us about your breakdowns, Ryder.” Said Cora, and walked towards Sara. Sara looked at her and sadly smiled.  Cora should have been the Pathfinder. She would be better.. she is more experienced and…. but Cora continued.

“It was stupid, Sara… You made us worried.” Said Cora. It was the first time she called her by her first name with such a caring tone.

“We really know everything… Peebee nearly delivered some juice details, buuut we survived.” Said Gill and smiled looking a bit disgusted by his own fantasy.

Liam someone appeared behind Sara and hugged her around her neck like a big brother.

“We’re cool, you know. Who’d say you’re such a nymfo, Ryder.” Sara was suddenly red in the face and she looked at the two Asari. Lexi was deep in facepalm and Peebee looked like wanting to kill Liam very slowly. He just laughed.

“Protect me, Ryder… your exes want to skin me alive…” He was still laughing and Peebee could not hold and started to ran after him. The whole effect was dipped in disaster, but the good one. Watching Peebee trying to get to Liam who was hiding behind Vetra’s tall figure made nearly everyone laughed.

Including Sara. She felt like a rejuvenating laugh completely dominated her brain. She touched her belly and tears just ran out when Liam was shouting _Heeeelp_ and Peebee mumbling something like a psycho...

She was not able to stop the laugh and she did not want to… All of them grouped there because they cared for her… She realised it and love started to fill her body with warmth she thought was long lost.


	22. Don't want her to die...

Both Havarl and Voeld provided them with a valuable intel about the last Arks. They just needed some time to encrypt the information. Sara was sitting in the kitchen, sipping coffee. The last two weeks were filled with work. She did not have time for anything… After they activated the vault on Havarl, new science team was allowed to enter the planet. Addison agreed with Sara that they could not touch the Angara’s homeland. Not only because of diplomatic connections, but a simple respect was in place. Angara helped them in the fight against Kett and Jaal was a valuable member of the team.

Suvi interrupted her thoughts. She walked in for her daily dose of caffeine. Everything was normal and back on track. Even better. The last drama seemed to help the relations and strengthen the bounds they had between each other. Sara felt relaxed again and could talk with everyone. Not that there was much time for long conversations, it was just… everything just felt right. And that calmed her. Sara’s smile and laugh returned in a couple of following days and her old humour dominated every mission.

“Thinking of invincibility of bugs?” Asked Suvi and smiled at Sara. She laughed.

“Nice one… From your own experience? Like licking some rocks?” Sara smirked and Suvi started to prepare her coffee.

“Something like that….. sooo, what is bothering you?”

“Ah.. just work. Nothing serious. Things have developed quite fast. Don’t you think?” She asked Suvi and sipped her coffee.

“Definitely…” Suvi poured hot water into the machine and then leaned on the table focusing her attention back to Sara.

“I was fascinated by the reincarnation of the Angaran who helped you open the vault…” Said Suvi and Sara needed to smile. Suvi’s fascination with spiritualism and God made Sara share her beliefs sometimes.

“Yes, it was quite unique. He was completely structed by that experience….”

“Isn’t it amazing Sara? The possibility to see beyond death? To remember past experiences?” Said Suvi and Sara nodded. Yes, it was amazing… For humans, maybe, with their short life span. She could not imagine memories a reincarnated Krogan would have. Thousands of years of a one life would surely take the whole Geth’ memory capacity…

_Sara, Peebee is asking for your assistance at the control room._

“Ok.. be right there, SAM…” Said Sara and rose up. “Sorry Suvi.. we should continue this conversation later.” Suvi just waved her hand.

“Don’t apologise, Sara. See you upstairs.”

***

 

Peebee was standing behind Kallo looking at the controls.

“I’ve told you. I’m not going to change the coordinates until Ryder approves it.” Said Kallo annoyed and disturbed by Peebee’s presence.

“Yeaah yeaah. She’s gonna be here in a minute” She was so excited that she already asked Kallo to change the ship’s direction.

“What’s going on here?” Peebee heard Sara’s voice and ran towards her immediately, it was so fast that Sara backed up few steps away.

“Ryder…. I need to know: if I had something really important to do, could I count on you to help? To come along?” Said she staring at Sara with those big excited eyes.

“Anytime, Peebee. You know that already. What’s up?” Sara noticed annoyed glare from Kallo and smirked. It was a long time she had seen Peebee so excited.

“Well... yes… sooomething cool. Thanks to my newly Remnant-augmented scanner, I’m onto something truly big.” She walked to her escape pod and activated an audio of a signal she recently recorded.

“Hear that??? Best I can tell, it’s coming from a piece of raw Remnant programming tech. A building block in an unused state. My eyes bulge thinking what we might be able to learn from it – or do with it!”  This got Ryder’s attention. Maybe it could be the key to control the Remnants.

“That’s amazing Peebee! I know you lived for a moment like this.” She smiled and Peebee returned the gesture. It was true. She had come to Andromeda to find something new, to explore mysteries others could not…. It was Ryder who reminded her in the Angarian museum that she was capable of this.

“Yes… It’s that kind of mystery I live for. I have to go get it, Ryder… There’s no time to waste, right?” Peebee chuckled nervously. Ryder could still decide to ban it. The place was quite far away from their current position.

“Okay, then…”

“Really? Well, you mean really? That’s it? No preamble, no further interrogations, just “okay”? You’re in?” Peebee was grateful. Sara was back in her typical position of being there for everyone. She missed this Sara.

“Really… I’m in… There’s no way I can say no to you, Peebee.”

“Did you hear that Kallo???” She shouted towards the deck victoriously.

“Yes….” His voice was deeply irritated, but he changed the direction of the Tempest.

 

***

Sara promised herself that she would kick Peebee into that sexy butt for this crazy landing. Volcano? Really?

The worse part was only going to come. Kalinda was on their track all the time. She had secretly hidden a transmitter into Poc. Not only they needed to fight the remnants, Kalinda’s men were right on their track. Peebee was apologetical most of the time. She desired to shoot Kalinda’s ass and Ryder shared that desire.

They had reached the point where the enemy’s squad blocked the way.

“No, no, no…! Kalinda’s barred the way!” Heard Sara Peebee through the comm. A group of Saboteurs started to shoot at them and only Drack’s fast reaction pulled Sara from a direct bullet flying towards her heart.

She had enough of this unstable planet and enough of fighting their own people. All of these aliens were originally a part of Nexus. Nothing would ever change that even in a distant galaxy, even when they were forced to kill each other. Every fight, therefore, was personal for her.

Sara was filled with anger. She had charged the jet to its maximum capacity and blow herself towards the nearest rock to hide behind. “Engineer profile, SAM” Said she and breathed in when she felt electric impulses filling her body with a newly transformed energy.

“DRACK! Knock them down… Peebee! The rest in Singularity!” Both redirected their attack according to Sara’s commands… She counted….

“3….2….1…. Peebbe, now!” The wave of a blue energy raised two of the attackers above her. She straightened her arm towards flying soldiers and released a freezing wave towards them. The overheated armour started to crack after getting in contact with the cold stream. Very soon they would choke to death…. Basic physics….

“Drack, your turn… Now!” Sara just heard a shot and blast… Bodies were falling on the floor with their biotic armour... She hopped above the rock and got two Angaran daggers given to her by Jaal. She was so furious that it made her unstoppable. Sara threw the daggers and both ended deep in the two last attackers. Peebee and Drack caught with her right after.

“That was hot, Ryder…” Said Peebee and smiled behind her mask.

“Yeah, quite cool, kid.” Drack praised her.

Sara walked towards two bodies and got the daggers from them. Few months ago, it felt disturbing to start to get used to killing. Now, it felt like a normal part of her existence. She was a pathfinder and a killer of unwanted elements. She was ready to kill Kalinda too. For endangering others because of some stupid greed. Because of getting into her way, and mainly because of hurting Peebee.  

“Let’s go get your toy, Peebee… I’m tired of the whole Kalinda business.”

***

They had killed Krannit. They had killed others. A lot of blood was wasted in an abandoned Volcano. With each and every death member of the outlandish squat or a domesticated Adhi, Sara’s rage intensified. This killing was worthless when the real enemy and threat for all of them was Archon.

The lava bridge nearly burned threw their shields. Life support was already low, but they finally reached Kalinda. She had her fingers close on the Remnant tech and still enough men on her side…

“Are you kidding me? How many guys does she have?!” Shouted Ryder.

“Kalinda’s about to get the device!” Peebee could not wait any longer. Shooting or not she just ran after her, around the skippers focusing her energy on speed.

“You won’t make it Kalinda!” Peebee shouted…. She did not even hear the response. Her attention focused on Kalinda’s failed jump towards the small remnant Island swinging on lava. The reflexes unconsciously made her use the jet and she landed on the solid ground. The relic she was looking for so long was there waiting, and she reached it first. Peebee’s hands grasped the ball, but the ground was unstable. It slipped and started to roll down.

Everything was suddenly too slow. Peebee turned and perceived the seriousness of the situation.

“Peebee, help! I’ll give you everything I’ve got – all the relics, everything worth anything…” Kalinda was holding on the edge without strength to pull herself up. She was scarred and vulnerable. Peebee was frozen for a moment and noticed Sara running there to help with a gun in her hands.

“Please… I don’t want to die…!”

“Aw…. crap…” Was the first Peebee could utter in this difficult situation.

“Aw crap… what?” Sara shouted. There was no time for anything. She had noticed rolling relic towards the lava. This was not good… Peebee looked distressed.

“I don’t want her to die, Ryder!” This was the moment when Peebee’s heart was crushed in-between a massive wave of feelings she was fighting with since Kalinda betrayed her. The depression, loneliness, anger… All of them mixed and shouting at her when Kalinda’s life was in her hands.

“But the device…!” Sara was confused and angry. Peebee was willing to sacrifice her dream for Kalinda’s life. She could understand it but she was not sure this was the right choice.

“It’s not worth her life!” Peebee had decided. She organised her priorities and got running towards Kalinda to save her.

Sara raised her gun and pointed it at Kalinda. She bit her lip. She could feel all the grudge towards this woman, but if she pulled the trigger now, she was no better than her. Plus, it was not what Peebee wanted. Her crew was more important than a piece of relic. She decided to believe they would find a way even without it.

Peebee got to Kalinda in time and pulled her up towards her. At the same moment, the relic was consumed by lava.

They still needed to jump. Running next to each other they focused their strength on one jump only. Sara was ready. She immediately grabbed their hands and helped to balance them back on the solid ground. Peebee kept her hand in Ryder’s longer and looked at her. There was a lot in that one connection. Their past, their present and future…. Peebee noticed the gun pointing at Kalinda and understood that Sara chose her feelings instead of a pure logic. She smiled at Sara with gratitude coming from the core of her soul. _Thank you... Sara_.

The sound of intensifying eruptions woke her up. Drack nearly kicked them to get out of there. Kalinda joined them on the way and she turned her head towards Peebee.

“Peebee, thank you... Listen, no hard…” She was silenced by Peebee’s fist. Sara laughed after she heard a cracking sound.

“Ow! Fuck!” Kalinda covered her nose. Streams of blood coloured her lips. The group nearly did not understand Kalinda directing them towards her shuttles.

***

Drack was the one who jumped into the piloting seat of the first shuttle. Kalinda occupied the other ship. Sara fell into the leather sofa seat and took her helmet off. The filters of the shuttle purified the air from the smoke and she could enjoy breathing again. Peebee was doing the same next to her.

“This was hell of a ride, Peebee. I still haven’t decided whether I’m mad at you or not.” She looked at Peebee and they both laughed.

“If not you, then it’s up to Lexi.” Said Peebee and looked at the metal ceiling.

“Well… Some burns, scratches, maybe a hole or two… nothing she’s not used to already.” Sara closed her eyes. This was tiring and her whole body was hurting. But her brain was calm. Kalinda would surely leave Peebee alone now.

“Not so sure, Ryder… Not so sure…” Peebee rested her head on the Sara’s arm. Her thoughts felt too heavy. There was a lot going on in Peebee and Sara’s presence had always a calming effect on her. Sara hugged her with one hand and they both embraced the rest before they reached the Tempest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know.. there are some repeating phrases you all know too well. But I promise there would be a bonus waiting for you regarding Peebee and Kalinda coming soon, which would be again completely apart from the canon. Thank you for your support and patience!


	23. We are equals...

Lexi was standing there with both hands crossed on her chest. She was furious when she found out what Peebee did, how they all endangered themselves.  Vetra and Liam politely decided to keep their distance. Lexi could truly be terrifying and they understood why Peebee used the nickname _Matriarch_ for her sometimes. The shuttle was connected successfully and all three sinners left the vehicle.

“You two…” She pointed at Sara and Drack. “Medbay.. now….”

“She seems really pissed off…” Drack whispered towards Sara.

“Silence! Don’t make me pull you there with force.” Drack immediately stopped talking and grabbed Sara before her mouth could utter something which would make Lexi even angrier. He had a feeling she was not joking.

Lexi turned her head towards Peebee. “We need to talk… follow me.” Her voice was strict and sounded like an order. She turned towards Vetra’s room and started to walk there. Vetra just tried to make herself smaller behind the Nomad and did not make any complaints of using her room as a scolding room. Peebee swallowed a nervous ball in her throat and followed the doctor. When the door shut and they were alone Lexi turned her anger freely on Peebee.

“Explain yourself…. Now… and I warn you. I’m not interested in any jokes now.” Said Lexi.

Peebee bit her lip and was looking at the floor like a small scolded child. What she could say to Lexi? She did crazy things like this all the time. She risked, life was short for her still and despite she accepted the crew as her family, she could get completely consumed by her passion.

“I’m sorry Lexi…” Said she quietly. She meant it. Their relationship got so much better after all that business with Sara and she wanted to keep it that way.

Lexi was staring at her and breathing deeply. She did not expect an honest apology right away, but it made her anger relax a bit. She covered her face behind her hand and rubbed her forehead.

“Peebee… You really need to stop acting like only your life is at stake. Living on edge. You have responsibility towards us…. I was so worried something could happen to all of you… Including you, you reckless hothead.” Said Lexi still massaging her skin.

“You were worried about me?” Asked Peebee. She knew that she including others on the ship were worried about them, but it just made her feel nice hearing it out loud.

“Of course….” Lexi looked at Peebee. “I’d never forget what you did for me… for Sara… Just don’t try to kill her or yourself again… okay? It will make my job much easier.” Lexi looked tired and Peebee felt guilty for her irresponsible action. She could get everyone killed. That was true.

“I’ll try… I promise….” Said Peebee quietly. What Lexi did was nearly with that type of parental love. Her Elcor father was never good in expressing his emotions, and still he decided to raise her without any help offered from her mother. Scolding was a way how he expressed his love, when he tried to teach her how to survive. Anyway, he was the greatest pony any small kid could only dream about.

“That’s all I wanted to hear.” Lexi smiled. “Now, come on. Let’s get you all patched up.”

 

***

Few days passed when Suvi reported a cargo waiting for them on some deserted planet from Kalinda. It was filled with Remnant tech, very valuable. Sara was on her way to find Peebee with a special message Kalinda left for her when she heard her and docs voice coming from the medbay. She entered.

“No.. no… doc… That’s strange…” Said Peebee looking with utmost surprise at Lexi.

“Why? Your ‘bedroom’ is destroyed. I have enough room here for you and enough beds to sleep.” Lexi was looking at her with raised eyebrows.

“It’s just strange... We both slept with….” Peebee stopped talking when she noticed Ryder in the room. _Shit._

“RYDER!” Said she too loud and too awkwardly… It beautifully finished the sentence and Sara was fighting to keep poker face.

“Am I interrupting something?” Asked Sara pretending to be the calmest person in Andromeda.

“We were just discussing possibility of Peebee staying here with me.” Said Lexi and Peebee suddenly did not know what to do with her own body or where to move or stand. She could not say in front of Ryder why she thought it was a strange and crazy idea… So her nature guided her to do something completely opposite her intentions and she walked towards Lexi and looked at Ryder with secret challenge in her eyes.

“Great idea... Don’t you think, Ryder? Now we can unite our powers against you when you don’t behave.” Lexi just rolled her eyes and Sara felt drops of sweat grouping under her shirt. She just realised that two of her ‘exes’ how Liam called them that they would sleep in one room together, talk, gossip…. her urge to laugh disappeared.

“Ehm… yes… of course… it’s logical… good room... big.. safe..” her speech was fragmented and she felt like an idiot. This gave Peebee enough time to gather herself again. Sara continued. It was better to leave.

“Just was here to bring you this…. A message for you from the cargo we just picked up.” Sara quickly put datapad on the bed and turned around… “Sorry has some urgent work…” Nor bye, nor other word left Sara’s lips when she disappeared like a smoke.

“That was cruel, Peebee” Said Lexi fighting with laugher… “But, amusing.”

“Thanks, doc. A compliment, I’ll take it.” Peebee chuckled and walked towards the datapad. She took it and recognised a message from Kalinda. The good mood disappeared when recognising this information. She read it out loud.

“Pelessaria with my compliments. My crew won’t bother you again. In your debt. Always, Kalinda.” Her hand holding the datapad slipped along her body down that she nearly let it fall on the floor. It was good she was standing with her back towards Lexi, because a tear formed at the edge of her eye. _In your debt. Always…_ That word ‘always’ terrified her as she remembered the moment Kalinda was so close to death and that ‘always’ could change to _never_. Kalinda who represented a huge part of her life, of herself, could disappeared within a second.

That realisation made her shiver. She strengthened her grip on the device in her hand and would make it crush if Lexi’s hand had not landed on her arm. It was a silent and friendly gesture. No, she was not alone anymore and did not need to deal with this just by herself. She had a home here at the Tempest where she could always find her refuge. She had friends who would stand by her side, care for her and die for her. Kalinda was not a ghost of her past anymore she needed to run away from. They were equals. Peebee raised her hand and touched Lexi’s on her arm searching for support.

“I’m going to write her and meet her on Nexus… We need to talk.” Said Peebee determined to stop running like never before in her life.


	24. Hope

The trace of the lost Turian Pathfinder brought them to the sad end. Macen was dead and Avitus needed to retake his role. Sara felt sorry for him just imagining how it must had been for him to know that Macen was in a place of no return and the only memory of him was the SAM which had now belonged to him. Sara trusted Avitus to be a great Pathfinder, but she felt for him seeing how this lost had touched him deeply. She ordered the Turian SAM to be loaded on Tempest and asked Avitus to join them. The ship was now on its way to Nexus were the scientist would look after the transfer to be done successfully so the Turians would not loose another Pathfinder. Sara kept looking after him, seeing him seeking empty rooms and spaces on the ship to be alone. He stared at the stars and was almost silent. However, she did not dare to speak to him. Sara did not feel worth enough to give him support he needed. She was not the person, they had not known each other for long, but she was ready for anything if he asked. But he did not.

This was personal for her. Having so many aliens on this ship she cared so much about. Loosing any of them would make her feel empty, she was sure of it. But Avitus lost his mate, his lover and that was different. Since her mind cracked that time, she did not try to approach Lexi again. Peebee was sweet like nothing ever happened, which made their relationship strong again, but only around a friendship base. Although Peebee sometimes flirted with Ryder, she could not do this again without being sure she wants commitments. And, after all what happened, she knew that between her and Peebee could not be more again. Lexi was the one she was more interested in, felt a strange resonance in her body, but it seemed that Lexi did not share that view. Well, Ryder had not try to talk to her about it again, there was no time and, Sara felt shy. Especially when those two started to share med-bay, like two best buddies. Liam was making fun of her, and Vetra too. Well, Gill too and so Drack… Nearly everybody. It was a new favourite topic amongst the crew members, and after the “Little duck” nickname, Sara was called “ex”-humiliator, ex-o-pet or, what was Gill’s and Liam’s most favourite one, the Burnt Duck…. It made Sara’s sense calling for a new identity. Of course, all the nicknaming stopped when Lexi or Peebee walked around or was on a shared frequency.  It, however, did not take long before Peebee started to call Sara a Burnt Duck too. Only Lexi was hiding her laugh behind her professional mask, and Sara’s ego was humiliated beyond any acceptable level. She was even ready to study some guidebook of Turian’s or Asari religions, call the Goddess or Titans for help, or even try to find some Krogan shaman to teach her about requiring back her lost honour. She would rather fight a Thresher Maw than listening about her big hilarious fuck up. Maybe Suvi could teach her something about the God’s forgiveness or Karma and how to put herself back into their favour.

Nevertheless, even all jokes silenced after the death of the Turian Pathfinder. Their thoughts were with Sara and with Alec. The Human Ark nearly lost both pathfinders. The second one nearly twice. It made them think and work harder and longer while on their way to Nexus. Avitus had become some kind of a symbol or a reminder of the importance their mission had and that the dangers were too real to run away from. The Scourge caused death of many, and the Kett were on their way to finish the job.

Sara was in her room watching the distant stars and thinking about how really close she was to end up like Macen. Cora would be the one who would take after her. She once reminded her about it when she questioned her actions. Cora would be great, but she as anybody still had some unfinished business to do. They needed to find the Asari ark before it was too late. Cora informed her that with help of the Nexus scientific team, she would get the location within few days. It was a beam of hope and Sara wanted to grasp it fully, with her heart and soul, and believe it like an uncorrupted truth. She wanted to believe that things could never get wrong again and they would save everyone. _You’re a silly one._ She was hearing Vetra’s voice in her head. _But you’re the boss and I’m gonna follow you everywhere, because you are worth following._ Yes, they were following her decisions, her actions and she needed to bring them to the good path.

Sara once had a chance to talk to her personal hero, Capt. David Anderson. She was too young to even guess what was waiting for her, but the Captain put a hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eyes. She was young and lost, but full of passion and beliefs to change the world…. She remembered those tired eyes of a leader and a war hero anytime she looked in the mirror. She was no hero of a sort, she did not feel that way, but she understood better the luggage a leader needed to carry with every step. The loneliness it followed….

She remembered his words clearly and a tired smile on his face. It was still cheerful and optimistic, but tired. _Ryder, the hardest of choices is to save your hope. Keeping it, you are a fighter… Losing it, you end up as a killer._ With so much blood on her hands and tough choices costing more and more lives, she understood what he meant. When she was losing her hope, being cracked down by the responsibility, she was ready to kill and die without a purpose. She herself would be a killer of her own life. But hope made her go on with a certain determination which could pull her tired body to move when other’s hope was lost. Hope could be lost so easily that it was really the hardest task ever… Hope in humanity, hope in good, hope in every member of the alien races they known about to make the right choice at the end when they would be summoned to fight for something greater than themselves. She could not tell Avitus he was the right one to follow Macen’s footsteps if had she lost this hope. Sara was determined to save it. Not only for the races of the Milky way, but also for the Angaran, and even for the Kett.


	25. Choices of love & hate

Avitus was received well and Vetra was glad that faith had returned to some of her people scattered around Andromeda. Kandros informed her that many got back or asked for exile on Nexus. Some of hope was not lost anymore and many accepted Avitus former Spectre achievements as worth to consider his citizenship status amongst the highest. The hierarchy of the Turian society had some good sides especially in times of crisis. It warmed her heart to see more Turians walking around the docking base. She leaned on the rail at her favourite position and followed the shuttles bringing new incomers to the station.

“Vetra…” She heard Kandros voice. He leaned next to her and watched the scenery with satisfaction.

“Hey, Tiran.” She kept staring at the arrivals. The number of messages exchanged between them increased since they heard about Macen distress signal.

“Finally, we can earn our place here. With a Pathfinder.” Said Kandros. Coming from a respected family, he desired to earn his place just by his own effort. It was as important for him as breathing. His life, his adventure, his place.

“Hmm… Surely.” Vetra found his determination quite charming despite he was too into rules and into obeying them. However, he was one of the first to show Sara some support and she appreciated that. 

“Well… that does not include you. I mean, you already earned it.” Said Kandros. Vetra looked at him confused.

“What do you mean, Tiran?”

“The work… you do alongside the Pathfinder… I’m sure that your waist proved to be very supportive for her…” Said Kandros nervously… Wait… Her waist… Was he trying to flirt with her?

“If you say so….” She did not know how to react to this.

“Yes. You are so devoted to your duty that you even broke the rules here and…. I mean, I know about your connections with the black market.” Vetra’s gulped. Was this some interrogation or expression of affection? She could not tell the difference.

“Going to arrest me, chief?” She tried to joke, but it just made her feel nervous.

“Maybe I should, but… I’d rather invite you for a drink in Vortex?”

 _Shit_ …

“Oh… I mean… Oh… Well…” _Ryder, Liam… Drack.. anyone, please come and save me._ Kandros was looking at her waiting for some answer.

“Well, there is a lot to celebrate. People are returning, we have a pathfinder, so…” He tried to play it on just a common gathering.

“Of course, … Maybe, later? Need to check on the supplies first…”

“That takes usually 2 hours. 6pm then?” Said Kandros and Vetra wished to leave the station right away. He was straight to the business and did not give her a chance to back off. It was quite hot, but Vetra did not think about Kandros as a romantic option AT ALL. There was no other choice though than to accept his invitation.

“Uhm… Ok…” Said Vetra. She lost this battle. She saw the interrogation Sid would have ready for her any moment after.

“Great… See you then, Vetra….”

 

***

 

Peebee was sitting at the same corner of Vortex she once found Sara drinking at. Nervousness was filling her veins. This was one of the most important meetings in her ‘short’ Asari life, at least for the time spent on Andromeda. Kalinda accepted her invitation and promised to be there around 2pm. Peebee touched the drink on the table and finished it. She was thinking about her new family, reminding herself that she was supported and was not forced to survive on her own on some hostile planets.

Then she saw her. She distinguished easily the specific white face tattoo. Kalinda noticed her fast and was walking towards her. The moment was here… They had not talked like this since Kalinda abandoned her for the last time. Pain filled her heart and mixed with all those feelings in her when she saw her at the edge of death.

“Pelessaria…” Kalinda sat down opposite Peebee. Her name she uttered even intensified the feelings inside her. Peebee looked at her like seeing a ghost. There were stiches on her nose after she broke it with her fist. She deserved much worse, so much worse… Maybe Ryder was right and she should had left her…. No… She could not... and that realisation made her feel like in a cage…. She stood up…

“No... I can’t…” She nearly said sorry as she felt so weak to settle this down and started to run away… _Worthless..._ She felt so worthless now. With all those promises she made to her own heart, she still could only run…

Her legs directed her to her apartment. She was still paying for it in order to keep her personal space only for herself. Peebee walked in and moved her hand alongside her star-like head. This was so typical… It was easy to hate Kalinda, to despite her, to call her bitch to break her nose, when they were under pressure, in fight or distant. But under peaceful terms? It was hard. Too hard.

The door opened and her body froze. Someone entered. She forgot to lock the door… So stupid, again so stupid…

“I knew you’ll come here…” It was Kalinda. She followed her here. Her voice was tame, nearly sad. She continued.

“I haven’t really had a chance to thank you properly. I sent that message to do that, but you really surprised me with response…” Said Kalinda…. Sweet talk. So typical of her, thought Peebee still facing Kalinda with her back. She was trying to put herself together.

“I’m full of surprises…” She finally turned and looked at her, wild, with untameable look. She needed to find her rebellious nature as a defence despite being defensive was not her primary intention. What she found, however was Kalinda looking submissive and vulnerable and Peebee heard her own voice in her head… _Death can change people, Ryder._ She cursed herself that she ever said anything similar, because it bugged her deeply seeing Kalinda like this.

“I know… You came for me there…” Said Kalinda with nearly a submissive tone. “That was one of the biggest surprises…” Those words were like coming from a huge distance and Peebee just kept staring at her. Then, it was anger which filled her veins.

“What... you think I’m a heartless bitch like you? That I’m gonna just let you die like some Kett shit there?” Peebee was on edge of screaming at her, the pain, hate and….. silenced love… mixing together in an unstoppable force.

“No… maybe… But you always were the better one, Pelessaria.” Said Kalinda and looked at the floor.

“Stop calling me that. Your sweet talk doesn’t work anymore… Hear me?” She was shouting. That name made her lost control of her emotions.

“That’s why you paint your eyes black, Pelessaria?” Said Kalinda and looked at her again. That question surprised Peebee. When they were together and Peebee still believed that Kalinda really loved her, Kalinda was telling her that she fell for her eyes. It reminded her of green landscapes of her home.

“To burn my visions in a black dust?” Kalinda continued and so Peebee’s thoughts. She often talked about her dream to get lost on those plains, because it stripped her off all the masks she wore around others pretending to be someone she was not. Peebee believed it, she believed that her eyes made Kalinda feel free. Then she found out about her double life…

“Don’t flatter yourself, Kalinda. It’s cool... Modern…” Peebee promised herself to not let anyone in. Black was her barrier as was her wild and joking nature. She let Ryder slip in, too much and how it ended. They were great and the best buddies, but nothing more. She was still on the run. And even now, she acted the same way, defensive, angry, attacking. She had a problem to deal with her emotions. Kalinda smiled. She wanted to punch her for that ‘knowing’ smile.

“You’ve changed and matured… a lot.. Even beyond me, Pelessaria… But…”

“I’m not going to repeat it again.. Don’t call me that.” Peebee’s body started to glow with biotics.

“But I’m glad your heart hasn’t, Pelessaria … and is still as big as….” She could not finish because a force of power kicked Kalinda hard and smashed her against the wall. Peebee was glowing like a sea under a moon. When she realised what she had done, Kalinda was already unconscious. This was not how Peebee wanted to settle things down… This was not a proof she was ok to move on, but Kalinda’s words made her so furious, so outside herself. Because they were kind, and she was not prepared for kindness.

Peebee ran towards Kalinda and grabbed her by the arm. She was quite heavy but she managed to bring her on the sofa and stabilized her so she could check for some injuries. She kneeled next to the sofa and quickly reprogrammed her omni-tool to use the scanner… _Shit, shit shit…_ She really did not want to do this. Peebee had not saved her life to kill her afterwards.

“It was quite long, I’ve seen you worry about me like this.” Kalinda’s eyes were open and she was looking at her smiling. There was a thin stream of blood running from her mouth, but the scanner had not shown anything serious, just one broken rib. _Shit._ Now it was Peebee who felt tame and guilty. She could kill her. She was not thinking straight.

Her lips were trembling. She could not stand this stare. Peebee raised and walked towards the sink. She got a clean cloth and put it under the water.

“Don’t move, your rib is broken… I think…” Said Peebee quietly.

“Well... nothing I haven’t deserved long time ago…” Said she and tried to raise just a bit, laying was not comfortable as well. One of her hands automatically touched the hurt place. First her nose, now the rib… Why she was so kind to her? _Death can change people…_ SHUT UP. Her mind was scolding her memories.

“Stubborn, I told you to be still.” Said Peebee when she returned with the wet cloth. She moved the table closer and sat on it.

“Always…” Kalinda laughed but the pain immediately turned her face into grotesque play of muscles.

“Told you...” Peebee uttered quietly and raised the cloth towards Kalinda’s lips to get rid of the blood. She was focusing on her action fully to not get disturbed by the closeness. They weren’t so near each other for a long time.

“You were always so caring after messing something up… Pelessaria” Said Kalinda with a smile.

“Shut up or I break another rib of yours…” Said Peebee angrily when her movement was stopped by Kalinda’s hand on hers. Peebee dropped the cloth in shock and only observed Kalinda guiding Peebee’s hand on her face.

Kalinda closed her eyes and sighted. “Pelessaria…. I know you started to hate your own name because of me… because of what I’ve done… Please… forgive me… for everything.” Kalinda’s voice was shaking. She kept her eyes closed looking vulnerable as never before.

Peebee kept staring. She did not move her hand away, sensing the warmth of Kalinda’s skin. They had been through a lot together… How all of this could return to shit so fast? New place, new face? This side of Kalinda was something Peebee thought was already dead. A vulnerable side she shared only with her before, before she started to play a pirate, live the adventure and escape to wilderness… Peebee felt forgotten, used... The call of new start made Kalinda forget her so fast….

“I don’t know how…. You… you hurt me badly…” Said Peebee slowly and quietly. Kalinda opened her eyes again and looked at the young Asari in front of her. She was watching her, the pain visible and obvious in her eyes.

“I did… I got lured by power and strength. You made me feel… vulnerable, Pelessaria.” Kalinda was still holding her hand and guider her down, so she could hold it between her both hands. She did not give Peebee chance to respond and continued.

“Your joyful rebellious nature… care you tried to hide… Pride of being my Little Rouge… It got to me too much, too deep…. It terrified me, it was easier to hurt you… I was selfish and tried to protect myself only…” Said she slowly but honestly.

“That doesn’t matter now…” Said Peebee. Why she was telling her all of this? Closures were important but worthless and her words made her nervous and sad. She was watching her own hand between Kalinda’s.

“It does… You saved my life, Pelessaria, although you had the full right to leave me there… It made me believe that you don’t hate me that much…. And you also broke my nose and my rib, so…” She tried to ease the air and she noticed a short smirk on Peebee’s lips. Peebee looked at her.

“No… it doesn’t…” Repeated she again.

“Yes…..” Kalinda used all her strength and raised one of her hands to Peebee and touched her cheek wet from tears… She got closer. “It definitely does for me…” Kalinda kissed her lips cautiously searching for something she believed was not yet consumed by the past.


	26. The price of forgiveness

Peebee was not aware when tears started to explore her face. Kalinda’s hand was a warm reminder something was happening deep within her. It was painful… Her whole being was screaming, her mind was too confused to build any fences around her, and then, the kiss…. She felt the skin of their bodies connected in that slow and careful touch. The time had stopped, everything, her heart missed a beat. She felt like drowning and wished somebody from the Tempest would appear and save her from these feelings…. she wished to hug her plush Geth, or lay her head on Poc. Her eyes reflecting the bleak light in the room slowly closed as trying to stop her tears flowing in streams.

Kalinda’s hand was gently wiping them. They were only one millimetre apart, Kalinda waiting patiently for Peebee’s reaction. The black colour surrounding Peebee’s eyes was creating a new pattern by the tears destroying the symbol of her independence. The paint coloured Kalinda’s fingers and the betrayal felt even more real, more materialistic and visible. This was the black she painted on Peebee’s face. Kalinda raised her other hand and with a one thumb she blurred the colour even more under Peebee’s eye as searching for the original blue.

“I’m so sorry…” She whispered to Peebee’s lips. She opened her eyes again and directed them to the brown shade watching her closely. Kalinda looked sincerely sorry. This kiss had not come from a pure urge… She was seeking forgiveness. That vulnerable look was breaking Peebee into pieces. She still loved this despicable person… A person, she was sure, did not deserve her feelings or her care.

“You don’t deserve this… Kalinda…” Said Peebee slowly. It was true… She was not sure she could ever trust her again despite what she felt.

“I never will…. But… Without you, I’m definitely lost…” Sweet talker…. as always Kalinda knew how to get under her skin... It nearly made Peebee smile to hear these exact words.

“I just wish to feel you…. once again….” Continued Kalinda with sort of a broken voice that Peebee nearly believed it. She believed it. One more time, and then never see each other again... that could work, maybe… Maybe she could turn Kalinda into a one-time thing and leave her like she did. Maybe that would free her from this nightmare…. Maybe…

Peebee’s body was drawn to Kalinda. Her eyelids fell like a heavy curtain, and Peebee tasted her lips once again but now directed by her own mind. She felt a smile shaping from those lips when Kalinda realised what was happening. She kissed her deeply, enjoying the warmth filling her body. She needed Peebee. She needed to touch her, to show her how much she was determined to deserve her forgiveness.

Minutes passed when Kalinda interrupted their kissing. She touched Peebee’s lips with her fingers. The paint already dried with her tears and made the pattern represent the true shape of their relationship. Kalinda hugged her chest with one hand to ease the pain and slipped from the sofa on her knees. She was kneeling in front of Peebee.

“Don’t… you silly….” Said Peebee and was about to raise when Kalinda laid her head on her knees and closed her eyes.

“Hmmmm…. I missed this...” uttered Kalinda quietly. She used to do this when she was tired from everyone in the high ranks. One reason Peebee fell for her was seeing Kalinda resting in her lap and letting Peebee be above her, be in her power and mercy. She repeated this surely on purpose, knowing that it worked like charm.

Peebee touched Kalinda’s head. Could she really forgive her? Watching her like this made past too close having her caged within memories when things were still good. She felt Kalinda delivered a kiss on her palm and raised her head.

Kalinda was watching the silence surrounding Peebee. She was so beautiful when she was sad. Still kneeling before her she partially unbuttoned Peebee’s jacked and explored her naked belly. It felt long she could touch her like this. Peebee shivered.

“It’ll be okay….” Kalinda raised again and leaned towards her in attempt to push her on the table touching her naked waist, slipping her fingers under the black shirt.

“No… It won’t….” Peebee said, but her touch filled her with known sensation. She remembered the way how Kalinda always made the foreplay slow and nearly ritualistic. Maybe that was why Peebee sought wild and energetic experiences with other aliens. Anything else then a reminder of this slow exploration.

Kalinda pulled her jacket off with one precise and rough movement which made Peebee moan. It was a vulnerable sound. She lost. Running all this time to lost the final encounter. She felt like Kalinda’s body pushed her on the table and with a kiss owning her lips in passion. Peebee enjoyed this kissing it was making her thoughts disappear at least for a moment. She raised her hands and traced them around Kalinda’s shapes as well. It felt good until she touched the place where the rib was located and she felt Kalinda make a painful sound. It was like a wake-up call and she put a finger in-between their lips.

“You need a doctor…” Said she although the right words forming in her head were: _I can’t_ ….

“Doctor can wait. I need you babe…” Said Kalinda hungry for Peebee’s body.

“No….” Peebee slipped under Kalinda and moved away a little. She buttoned her jacket again like a protective shield and looked at her. “Wait here, I’ll get someone…. Just wait here, please.” Said Peebee and walked away fast.

 When the doors closed, she was breathing heavily. She looked horrible she was sure, but this was the right choice. She send a distress call to the Hyperion med-bay for a doctor and then leaned on the wall near the room.

It took only few minutes when she noticed Harry and Lexi coming. Oh, not those two. But what was she thinking when she sent a call to the Hyperion. When Lexi saw Peebee standing there with the black make-up blurred by tears obviously, she speeded and ran towards her.

“What have happened, Peebee?” Her voice was worried and she touched her face with one hand gently. Peebee looked at a side.

“Kalinda is in there….” Lexi was looking at her with a question. She knew those two were about to meet. She hoped Peebee did not… Harry caught up with them fast. Peebee looked at her.

“Just a broken rib… I’m not sure.” she finished and Lexi felt like she could breathe again. Ok. No one died. That was good. She looked at Harry.

“Harry, please, can you have a look? I’ll take Peebee back on the Tempest.” Harry nodded and Peebee let her to move her freely. She was in no state to resist anyone now.

 

***

Lexi handed Peebee a cup of warm tea.

“Please… drink some. You’ll feel better.” Her voice was soft and had a calming effect on Peebee. She took the cup, but could not hold it… It fell on the floor and cracked. The hot liquid splashed around. She sighted.

“I’m sorry, doc…. I’ll clean it..” She was about to bend down to touch the crack but Lexi stopped her.

“That’s ok…” Lexi sat next to her and scanned Peebee’s face. Something terribly shaken Peebee, she had not seen her so weak, well ever. Even Sara did not have such an effect on her.

“We kissed….” Said Peebee suddenly. Lexi’s lips changed into a very thin line. Now she understood. Lexi was never convinced Peebee moved on from Kalinda. Yes, she was on run, but her commitment issues were signalling a very broken heart.

“She asked me… for forgiveness, and kissed me…. I returned it…” Peebee still had not washed her face to cover the trace of crying, so Lexi had a good picture of emotions Peebee needed to deal with in that moment. She touched her hand and grasped it with a little force to show her support.

“She looked so vulnerable…. honest, and I wished I could believe it just for that second.” Peebee was staring somewhere in the unknown, but kept talking.

“Just for that second… I felt like .. It was all just a bad dream….” Her lips were trembling and she entwined her fingers with Lexi’s. She needed a good friend now. It was only a bonus she was also a psychologist.

“I thought you might still love her after that…. after when you chose her over your passion, Peebee.” Peebee looked at her with sadness so deep that it nearly made Lexi cry.

“It hurts…. Being with her hurts so much…. But imagining her death and loose her. I don’t think I could cope with that…” Said she confused.

“It’s not an easy task to fall in love. With age never comes this wisdom… It’s the pain which teaches us this.” Said Lexi, remembering her past experiences. Sometimes it was a curse to live so long.

“I don’t know what to do, Lexi…” She looked lost, so lost. She understood her feelings well and sighted.

“There is no good advice, Peebee. Everything would hurt you in one way or another.” Said Lexi slowly.

“But, in order to find out whether you are capable of moving on, you need to forgive yourself first. You need to let Pelessaria in before anyone else. Peebee and Pelessaria need to be united again.” What Lexi said was definitely logical and correct. She was running from everyone including herself.

But, was she capable of embracing it again?


	27. No means to leave

“I should stay here tonight, Harry… Don’t want to leave Peebee alone for too long.” Said Lexi to a small picture of Harry on Ryder’s computer. No one stayed on the Tempest, so she borrowed hers. It was not her intention to wake Peebee up after she finally felt asleep in her bed. Ryder’s PC was handy as it was just next to the med-bay.

“How is she?” Asked Harry worried. Lexi sighted.

“Hard to say. But it’s far from better, Harry. I’ve never seen her so…. so down. Meeting Kalinda was hard for her.”

“Well, that woman had actually 2 ribs broken. One bad movement and she would suffer internal bleeding.” Lexi needed to massage her temporals in order to calm down. It was good that Peebee stopped whatever was going on, because if it went further… Kalinda could end up dead for sure this time. And it would be a slow death.

“Just don’t tell Peebee… She doesn’t need to know how serious it really was. It is hard enough for her now.”

“Got it Lexi….” Harry paused for a moment. “Lexi…”

“Hmm?” She was deeply in her thoughts.

“What about you and Sara?” Harry could not help himself. It was important for him to know.

“There is nothing to say, Harry.” Lexi relaxed her back on the seat and looked around the table. There were models of ships on the wall, some zombie-plant robot which was strange… She saw more of those things around the Tempest.

“Hard to believe, Lexi… I know you’ve had feelings for her…” She noticed a picture of the whole crew took after the movie night which happened night before locating the lost signal of the Turian ark. She leaned towards it and took it in her hands.

“And, I’m going to pay for it….” She was looking at the picture of them together and smiled. However, sadly… No picture of her real family, of Scott or her parents. She really saw the crew as the only family she had now.

“What do you mean, Lexi?” Said Harry watching the limited vision he had.

“I’ve reported that night….” She was still looking at the picture.

“Wait… WHAT? Why, Lexi??? They’ll await your resignation!!!” Harry could not believe what he heard.

“Maybe. But I could not risk someone would notice anything. Kalinda had her spying device here for long. It is better to report it before someone else would try to blackmail our Pathfinder… Or, Peebee.” Lexi touched the photo with her fingers, still smiling. She loved this group of people.

“But, Peebee was also part of the problem…”

“And that is an information I omitted in the report. If I take the full responsibility, the Initiative would not believe any other report. Peebee will be safe. I don’t want her to experience other distress now.” She put the picture back and looked at Harry again.

“I see… That seems logical, but I still… I don’t think that… You really should have taken the risk instead of putting yourself in the front line….” Lexi interrupted him.

“They are the ones fighting in the front lines, Harry. They need backup, here, in the base camp, and that is the job YOU signed me up to do.” She emphasised. This was her job. To keep them safe and healthy. Both mentally and physically. Harry went silent for a moment.

“That’s true. And you prove to be the best choice I could make.” He had slid his fingers into hair.

“Tomorrow, I need to attend a hearing about my actions.” Said Lexi calmly.

“Already tomorrow? Why??? Why you haven’t said so….” Harry was really worried.

“I didn’t want anyone to know. Nor you, because I was sure you would inform Sara. She just had an opportunity to speak with Scott. He woke up, and….” Lexi stopped and needed to take a deep breath.

“And any moment of happiness is… is important for Sara to enjoy fully. She will need good memories while fighting with Archon.” She remembered the family photo in her shelf. She needed to re-establish that connection with Scott in order to face her family again. To make their spirits proud…

“If they lock you up, Lexi. She will be depressed…. that is stupid.” Said Harry. He did not like this plan at all.

“And who was talking about getting arrested?” Lexi smiled knowlingly.

“You cannot fight the station Lexi…” She laughed while imagining her fighting her way back to the Tempest.

“No, nothing like that. I have a plan and they will accept my conditions. I have no means to leave this crew, to leave broken Peebee, or to leave Sara… So… please.” She looked at him determined.

“Please, believe in me and trust me that I know what I’m doing. You know me better than anyone…” Harry sighted.

“I do trust you, Lexi…. Fine… I’m not going to say anything to anyone. Just… No.. I trust you and I mean it.” He said and Lexi smiled.

“Thank you, Harry….”

 ***

Peebee was still sleeping and the ship was quiet. Lexi was on her way from Peebee’s room to med-bay holding the Geth plush toy in her hands, bringing it to her new friend and patient.

“Lexi…” hearing a voice completely got her from her thoughts. It was Sara, just entering the ship.

“Oh, good night, I suppose.” Lexi smiled. Sara looked happy and rested. The time with Scott surely rejuvenated her whole being. She was glad. She walked a bit closer still holding the toy.

“Hey, you have my little friend here. Bringing it to Peebee?” Her voice was full of energy and kindness. This was a voice of a happy and young woman Sara deserved to be once and then.

“Yes... She forgot it…” There was no need to mention Peebee’s condition. She wished to preserve this happy state Sara was experiencing at least for today. The Pathfinder laughed and reached the Geth in Lexi’s hand and pet it like a real one.

“Good boy.” She laughed again which filled Lexi’s heart with the utmost joy and responded in the same manner.

“I needed to pay some older lady on Kadara to make it. Can you guess what was her price?” Sara looked at her.

“No… not really…” She was curious but did not have a clue.

“Oh.. come ooon… Just try…”

“Hmmm. Food? Medicine…” Lexi tried … That would be what she asked for living on a place like Kadara.

“Completely wrong, doc.” There was a victorious expression.

“A can of cola.” Lexi could not believe what she heard and the shock in her face made Ryder laugh.

“Seriously…. And I couldn’t believe in Vetra’s capability to really get anything until I’ve seen it with my own eyes. So, word gave word, pay was sent and here we are holding an original plush Geth. The lady was a toymaker back in the Milky way.” Lexi looked at the toy. Sara really tried hard searching for these gifts.

“What was the cost of mine?” She asked quietly

“Hmmm… well… You know how I spend time picking up flowers on every planet, that even Drack calls me crazy?” She said, suddenly blushing and looking away.

“Yes… when you got nearly poisoned on Havarl.” Said Lexi suspiciously and her typical scanning look landed on Sara’s face.

“Exactly… Well… that was the price.” The facepalm which followed was supposed to hide Lexi’s own shade of blue. This crazy was running around and like a botanist picking up plants just to get her a white lily. When she thought Sara could not go beyond herself more.

“You are a crazy woman, Sara…” Said she rolling her eyes.

“I know…. about you.” She smiled nervously and looked at Lexi. She finally said it… In a way… She did not dare when things were being so complicated, but, after today when she had seen Scott awake and alive…. Life was too short, too short for everybody now to be afraid… Lexi raised her eyes towards Sara.

“I love you Lexi...” Said Sara with a soft voice. They were maybe one step away, but it appeared to be more. She felt courage filling her veins and confidence in her heart. It was not important whether Lexi rejects her or not… She just needed to let her know.

Lexi was silent, looking at Sara squeezing the toy in her hands. It gave her strength for tomorrow’s fight, for everything coming and waiting for her. It was easy to forget about the Universe itself in those blue eyes.

Lexi moved towards Sara who looked as she could stop breathing any second. Their eyes were connected by some unknown force, driving Lexi closer to Sara since the day they met at the SAM Node…. She smiled and touched Sara’s lips with two fingers only and slid them down in a slow movement ending at the tip of her chin. She desired to hear those words every day as well as she feared them… Sara’s energy was stronger than ever despite her body was shaking under Lexi’s touch.

Lexi could feel how their spiritual selves were seeking each other and the blue was connecting with a white source of Sara’s energy core. Or Aura, as humans called this body spirit… She spoke…

“I’ve loved you since the day you kneeled in front of me asking for forgiveness…” Her own words reminded her of situation Peebee was in. What had happened between her and Kalinda was for Lexi a trigger to move on, to fight for Sara, for the crew, for herself. Life was too precious even for living for thousands of years, and the uniqueness of love deserved to be embraced…. Despite the times of pain, despite the times of betrayal or death… it was this uniqueness which made them all leap forward and feel alive. Sara’s touch made her forget about her own fear, her kisses modelled her beauty…. Watching her sleep on her chest felt like a home long lost but returned to her with every Sara’s breath warming her skin.

Lexi’s fingers travelled to Sara’s waist and gently pulled their bodies together. She slowly closed her eyes and let her heart guide the way to the Pathfinder’s lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank you all for your lovely comments. It keeps me writing :)


	28. Many shades of love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A dream about this woke me up at 4 am and forced me to open my computer. I hope the feelings of this short picture would be intense for you as were for me. 
> 
> Thank you.

Kisses were filling their existence. Lexi and Sara were in a tight embrace and Sara could not get enough of those lips tattooed by a thin white line. She tasted it multiple times within these few minutes and followed it down on her chin and continued it down the neck, getting the full Lexi’s smell and taste. She needed nothing else to live in this moment as the whole body was stunned by electric shock every time Lexi followed Sara’s hunger with her own. It nearly resembled breathing, seeking necessary oxygen for existence…. And Sara nearly chocked when Lexi stopped and interrupted that process synchronised with the utmost precision.

“Be patient…” Lexi said and it took Sara a while to process those words before she could take some control over her body.

“Why….?” She was breathing loud and looking at Lexi.

“I need to return to Peebee.” She smiled, calm and beautiful, small drops of sweat appearing near her neck where the skin and cloth were touching each other.

“The toy can wait…” She tried in her sweet naivete.

“No, it cannot….” Said Lexi and with some small force she divided their bodies and looked at Sara.

“What happened?” Sara’s passion was exchange by curiosity and worry. Something must have happened when she was with Scott. Lexi sighted.

“It is a long story and I’m not sure I’m the one who should give you any details.” She looked back on Sara and smiled. “I just need to return to her now.” Said she.

“I’m coming with you….” Her stubbornness was thick as crocodile’s skin and Lexi saw determination in her eyes. There was no way to convince her otherwise.

 

***

Silence was surrounding the med-bay space. Peebee was nowhere to be seen and Lexi tightened the grip on the plush toy. First emotion was panic and fear, but she realised that SAM would notice her if Peebee left the med-bay. She gave a silent order to Sara to stay quiet and tried to look around. Then she saw her. Peebee was crouching in the space under Lexi’s desk, embracing her knees.

Her heart nearly cracked seeing this sad portrait painted just in front of her. She completely forgot they were not alone and walked towards the other Asari. She moved the chair Peebee tried to cover her hiding place and kneeled down to her. She raised her hand and gently touched Peebee’s head in a slow motion. It was a very calming gesture and Peebee raised her eyes towards the doctor. She had cried. Again. Lexi just smiled at her.

“I brought you something.” The toy was now in Peebee’s vision. Her lips slowly moved into a fragile smile. Peebee took the geth in her hand and slowly hugged it, putting in that movement all the unspoken and undescribed emotions. Lexi sat next to her and gently touched her back and move her hand in a slow caring movement, looking as she tried to warm her up. Then, she slowly pulled Peebee closer to her, away from that dark hole she tried to hide in. Peebee was squeezing the toy, shaking but moved accordingly until she was completely hidden in Lexi’s embrace. It had a calming effect on her, and Lexi hoped that it would lead to a calm and rejuvenating sleep.

Sara was watching this silently. She felt sadness filling her heart seeing Peebee there, broken. Not knowing what had happened was eating her alive, she desired to go and kill that.. anything which caused this pain Peebee was feeling. She could fully understand why Lexi rushed back to Peebee, why even their passion needed to be held behind. Peebee was now the most important person for Lexi, and for Sara too. Sara observed how Lexi carefully and calmly talked to Peebee, how gently she touched her head and back and devoted all the attention to her. There was something deeply intimate, a bond which they created since Sara’s “betrayal” somehow united them.

It was different shade of love Lexi kept for Peebee, but not less deep and honest. Many human poets or philosophers described love as an eternal bound. As a continuum which embraced space, things, people, uncontrollable force. But many fear the colourfulness of it, the size and capability of a one person to embrace many into its shades. She could see a living example of this power and strength. Lexi was the strongest element in this room, as her love was not only limited on a one person. Sara could feel somehow the intensity by which energy worked between all of them and it nearly made her cry as it made her feel pain Peebee felt as well as the distance which was between Peebee and her, not allowing Sara to come closer now. She could only offer patience and silent support, and later, a muscle on which Peebee could lean on and use. 

She moved towards one of the beds and sat on it. Her eyes met with the doctor’s in understanding. Watching to the two Asari there on the cold floor, Sara felt like their guardian. She grasped the blanket from the bed and moved towards them. Peebee looked already asleep, but it was obvious the night would be hidden in this silence and Sara did not wished them to be cold. She crouched and covered both in a huge and warm blanket.


	29. Enough is enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear friends and readers. I’m sorry for being quiet for so long. Here is another chapter. It was supposed to be longer, but I cut it in half to not let you be in dark for too long. The other one hopefully will come within today or tomorrow.  
> I have three questions for you though. Please let me know in comments.  
> 1 – Do you want me to extend this work until the last mission with Archon? I originally planned to follow the crew until the end of the game, but for some it might be boring. If yes, I can extend the focus also on other members of the crew a bit more.  
> 2 (a lot in one) – What do you think about the struggle Peebee is going through? Is she capable of forgiving herself and accept the name Pelessaria? And if yes, does it also mean she will give Kalinda a chance?  
> 3 - Is Kalinda capable of changing? Her character is not simple although she does not have a lot of space in the game. I need to know your thoughts about her, it will help me writing. What do you think about her character, about her job, personality, and mainly her reasons of suddenly betraying Peebee after coming to Andromeda. More information – better delivery on my side.

Lexi woke up. She was laying in her bed covered by a blanket. How she got there? Last moment she had remembered was holding Peebee on the floor and watching her sleep. She slowly moved into sitting position and looked around. Sara was still there too, sleeping on a med-bay bed, covered by another blanket. Only person missing was Peebee.

Lexi got up from the bed and walked towards Sara. She was barefoot and the floor sent chills in her spin. She looked at Sara and smiled. She looked so peaceful. She was worried about Peebee too.

Last night, Sara was silently watching both women in embrace. Lexi was staring back at Sara, exchanging long minutes of silent messages using just facial mimicry. She longed to call her to hug them both and help them warm under her human soft skin. That thought seemed crazy at first and it seemed crazy now, but then, she felt like the trio they formed was the inner circle of a family, something connected by the touch of their skins they shared between each other. Lexi was sure she would look after everyone on the ship the same, but there was something special joining all of them somehow. As crazy as it was. Yes, as crazy as it could be…

She stretched her fingers and touched Sara’s face gently. The woman just moved towards the warmth coming from Lexi’s hand and nodded. It was nearly a kitten like sound. Her heart was filled with happiness and peace watching her love searching for her touch even in her sleep. For a moment, she completely forgot about the world around.

“Adorable…” She heard a quiet giggle coming from the door. Lexi woke up from her dream and turned to see Peebee holding two cups of tea and smiling. Lexi moved her hand quickly back and looked embarrassed.

“I…. good morning, Peebee… You..” She was silenced by gesture.

“Come to the kitchen, doc. Let the cutie sleep.” Her voice sounded relaxed and healed. Like nothing happened before, no Kalinda, no breakdown… Nothing. It made Lexi happy. She picked some slippers and followed Peebee to the kitchen. The cups were already on the table and Peebee was searching for some cookies in the cabinet.

“I swear, I’ll kick that old dino for hiding all the…. Argh…” Cookies were disappearing fast and Drack was hiding the last packages of cookies in his own cabinet. Lexi sat on the sofa near the small table and was watching Peebee moving in her fast drugged hamster manner.

“You look good today, Peebee.” Said Lexi and moved her cup towards her. Peebee nearly sticked her nose inside the cabinet.

“No reason to get fussy, doc… YES!” She found some box hidden behind cans and retrieved it like a long lost artefact. She immediately opened the box and put some cookies on a plate. She proudly put her fresh salvage on the table.

“Tadaaaa!” Said Peebee and Lexi was near to laugh. Had somebody abducted Peebee and brainwashed her memory? Peebee immediately took one of the cookies and filled her mouth with it.

“Maybe you should be the Pathfinder.” Said Lexi and smiled.

“Nah… too boring. Too many people doing it now. Been there, done that... Remember?” Said Peebee enjoying her cookie.

“Does it apply to yesterday, as well?” Asked Lexi and took a cookie too.

“Don’t psychoanalyse people in the morning, doc. Rule number one to have more friends.” Said Peebee seriously and then relaxed her back on the sofa seat.

“I’m sorry. Professional deformation. Still doesn’t change that you are avoiding the question.” Lexi was already used to Peebee jokes too well to get offended.

“Yeah, yeah. You’ve scored, doc.” Peebee was staring at the ceiling, holding her tea cup in one hand.

“But… Well…. Just stay with that I’m better. I’m not a whiner and hate to be one. Things like this, just happens and surely will not repeat. I hope…” She sighted. Lexi was listening.

“I don’t want to feel that vulnerable again... Never… Got me, doc? Just. It feels too complicated.” She still could not look at Lexi.

“I understand. I’m just happy to see you feeling better. You know you can always come and talk to me, right?” Said Lexi still scanning her with her eyes.

“I know…” Said Peebee in a very quiet and low tone. “Yesterday…. Thank you.” There was a pause for a minute before Peebee continued.

“I just hoped Sara would not see me this way… It’s already hard for me you know about this… I’m not used to share anything about myself with anyone.” Finally, she looked at her. Their eyes met. 

“She is worried about you. When you find courage, just go and talk to her.” Lexi smiled.

“Yeah… right… I know. I will. Not now, though.” She paused then a smirk appeared on her lips. “Buuuuuuut, I’ll always send a message to you first, ok?”

“Why?” Lexi looked puzzled.

“To not interrupt something…. Hm, naked. Unless you too want to add some spice in sex and so, but… just to keep things civil.” The colour Lexi’s face had was exchange of many dark shades of blue. She was completely speechless and just staring at Peebee.

“Just promise me one think, doc…” Peebee’s eyes were suddenly kind and warm.

“Ahm... yes… of course… what is it?” Lexi was still trying to find stability within herself.

“Take a good care of her… at least the way you did care for me these few days.” Peebee touched Lexi’s hand and they both strengthened their grip on each other’s fingers.

“That’s a promise, Peebee.” Said Lexi and smiled. There was a hearing awaiting her today, but Peebee’s condition and her words filled her with strength to fight.

***

Sara was sitting in front of her computer. Still half asleep with hair stretched in different directions she was staring on the screen listening to the recording of Lexi’s conversation with Harry. It was SAM who notified her that Lexi was using her computer. Not saying the reason or explaining why it was important, SAM just highlighted that it needed the Pathfinder's attention. When she was listening, she understood.

Nor Lexi nor Peebee was there anymore when she woke up. But she would never have thought that Lexi were on her way to an official hearing about their previous relationship and Sara’s breakdown. Her hands were shaking with fear and anger. Fear of losing Lexi there and at the same time anger with her for not telling her about the problem. Especially, when Lexi was the one notifying the Initiative about the issue. Her cause was noble, to sacrifice herself for Sara and Peebee, but it was stupid at the same time. How could she? And… How could the Initiative dare to question one of her crew? Sara should be the one to sit there and listen to their bullshit.

“SAM, when is the hearing starting?” Asked Sara and stood up to change her dress.

_Already, Pathfinder._

“FUCK…. SAM, cancel all the meetings planned for today. I need to go there!” She moved faster than light and started to search for a clean shirt and underwear.

_That’s not advisable, Sara. You were not invited to the hearing. I recommend to wait._

“This is not for discussion, SAM. This is an order!” Said she annoyed. Why SAM showed her this when suddenly he was expecting her to sit and wait?

 _As you wish, Pathfinder._ Said the virtual voice. Sara had a feeling that a light electronic impulse pinned her brain. As if SAM was angry with her too. Or hurt? That did not matter. She was ready to blow up Tann’s ass if he touches his crew. She was tired of the suspicion following her since start. For 14 months, they were not capable of anything. And now, she could manage alliances, started colonies within quarter of the period… and she still needed to deal with their hierarchical tree of power. Enough was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter - the trial.


	30. The Trial

Tann’s office was quiet. Kesh, Kandros and Addison were standing around a table, looking at an Asari in front of them. They were the only one in the room. Pathfinders were not allowed to be part of this meeting. Tann’s orders. Lexi was looking at them with a calm expression on her face.

“What happened it’s completely unacceptable, Dr T’Perro. Your relationship with the Pathfinder already affected your judgment after her death. This was far over the line!” Said Addison, looking more tired than ever.

“However, we are willing to listen to your explanation. You must understand that all our lives depend on the Pathfinders and their well-being. Which means that any breakdown a Pathfinder experiences, endangers every life on this station.” Tann crossed his arms on his chest and was watching Lexi with a strict look.

“Dr T’Perro. For once I must agree with Tann. What happened could have had catastrophic impact on every one of us.” Said Kesh nearly apologetically. Kandros stayed quiet.

The blue woman was facing them all. Her posture was confident and straight and her eyes cold. None of these people really cared about Sara.

“With all due respect, but you forgot that the Pathfinder is still a young woman who needs more for a survival then an armour and resources.” Said Lexi slowly, carefully pronouncing every word.

“One more reason for you to have more consciousness!” Addison was nearly shouting. She looked stressed out more than others. Maybe because of her previous friendship with Alec. Lexi could see through it and fought back.

“I did join the Tempest crew to look after their well-being. Not to mother them!” Said she with stricter voice than she formerly planned. Her tone shocked all fourth judges.

“That means, so you understand what my job really means - To support them. Protect their psychological and physical well-being. And to be their friend.” She looked very terrifying right now, her plan was getting bit out of her hand, but she was just so tired of this bureaucracy when the Tempest crew risked their lives every day. This was no longer about her and Sara. This was about them all.  Tann opened his mouth but Lexi did not give him any chance.

“You all forgot how is to sew a gunshot wound on their body, to treat frostbites, burns and see them being in so much pain when the fight gets ugly. The Pathfinder is the youngest of all and needs to bear responsibility for so many ungrateful aliens on board of this ship that it makes me so angry every time I see her depressed about another and then another death, another life she needed to take in order to protect you!!!” She was now shouting, it was hard to control herself.

“Dr T’Perro….” Tann started, his lips were shaking in anger, but Lexi was done.

“I’m not finished, director.” Said she in a freezing voice. This was such an insult to his position that Lexi could see he hated her within his whole Salarian logic and heart.

“I reported this because of a simple respect I do have towards your positions. I know how it feels to be responsible for so many, to coordinate, to run thousands. I grew up on Omega, one of the most dangerous places of the Milky way and I know how bad things can go without a good directive… But it has grown over you.  You fucked up when you kicked those people away, started to divide them, dispose them. The Pathfinder managed and proved that diplomacy was in place and could work the relationships again. Build but not burn bridges, familiar?” She looked at Addison as referring to some of the human history.

“You’ve gone too far…” Said Tann with hardly managed anger. “You are the one who seduced the Pathfinder and endangered everyone. How dare you accuse us… You don’t have a clue… You weren’t here… You… Krogan lover, you … you’ll be exiled, expelled...” He looked like he was about to attack her, when Kandros stood in front of Lexi protecting her with his tall figure.

“Over my dead body, Tann.” Said Kandros who was until now so silent.

“My word is the last, Kandros. That is the purpose of my position! Be reasonable. This woman,… this disrespectful woman… she” Said Tann, surprised, but still angry.

“She… what? Slipped? That doesn’t matter.” Kandros was watching him nearly bored still standing between him and Lexi.

“How can you say that, Kandros?” Said Addison but with calmer tone. She was also bothered by the whole event, but her reasons were different from Tann’s.

“Simple. They delivered. Who cares who fucked with whom. They delivered. Before and after. The situation was managed, the crew is strong and I can guarantee you that they all have a strong bound. That is important. That and only. And we don’t have a right to separate any of them until it comes from within.” Said Kandros. This was too much. Tann was never there in open, Addison was long far from any experience in the field as well. The rebellion was ugly, but only Kandros and Kesh were in a direct contact with the mess down there. His APEX team was risking lives every day, and he heard only the best reports about Sara or the Tempest crew. When they worked together, a mutual respect was the key word of their cooperation. He, as a security team chief, in a position given to him by good timing and pure luck, he knew how important was a team bound for survival.

“You’re just saying it because you have an affair with that Turian woman, Vetra.” Said Tann. Now his body was visibly shaking. This took Kandros by surprise and even Lexi and Addison. No one even noticed that Kesh disappeared. The emotions were too intense.

“Oh, you think I don’t know? About the date, the rented apartment….” Said Tann, feeling like he was gaining control over the situation again.

“Shut up, Tann.” Said Kandros feeling an urge to start a new rebellion against this asshole.

“I have a report even about your bill for that Turian chocolate you smuggled in the Nexus….” His voice was cold and somehow dark. He could see he hit Kandros vulnerable spot.

“You don’t have a clue; how many aliens work directly for me and support my work. They understand. They know what leading this station means, that you need to make harsh decisions. Why it is necessary to expel those who take it for granted, who disobey the direct orders…. So, please. Don’t follow that example and kindly show Dr T’Perro one of the cells until we unite our judgments on the right punishment.” The humiliation was perfect. And could be perfect if three Pathfinders did not enter the room followed by a female Krogan.

“No one will arrest anyone.” Said Sara, fighting with her anger. They all heard Tann’s dramatic and humiliating act. Kesh was the one who let them in the room, who quickly updated them on the issue when Sara showed up with her two other colleagues. This was really not only about her and Lexi. This was an attack of their position as Pathfinders.

“How… how you three got in?” Said Tann surprised by this unexpected interruption.

“I invited them.” Said Kesh enjoying full satisfaction.

“Director Tann. I must say, I’m highly disappointed by your actions.” Said Raeka, the only original pathfinder still alive from the former mission. The highly respected female Salarian walked towards the table. There was an aura of some ancient authority surrounding her, similar to the one Moshae carried and spread around the Angaran people. Tann was shaking, he was one of those who respected Raeka and her words had a terrible effect on his courage. His ego slacked deeply into some black hole and could not utter a word.

“By the authority given to me by the Salarian ark followed by the strict protocols, I must insist you slowly transfer your duties and responsibilities to one of your colleagues or they would appoint a new director. Your attitude creates an unpleasant image about Salarian population and might conflict with the interests of the Ark.” This was a blow which no one really expected. The silence following was choking the air from Tann’s lungs.

“This is Nexus... you can’t …. You don’t have an authority…” His voice was shaking.

“No. But, if you don’t follow this request willingly, I’ll understand it as you don’t have your heart truly engaged to the cause of your own people. As the Pathfinder of the Salarian Ark, I am responsible for clearing the way for the best and finest start of our settlers. If you don’t give me another option, I’ll through you personally out of this station. And I’m sure, no one, including the aliens present in this room, would stop me from doing it.” It was true.  The two Pathfinders standing next to Raeka nodded. In shock, but determined. Tann had no authority to endanger anyone of their crews, this was deeply personal, and the power really seemed to growth over his head.

Kandros made a disgusted voice and cleared the way showing support for Raeka. He had enough. Picking up his personal life. He was done with Tann and he was going to make sure no one from the APEX would protect Tann’s ass anymore. Addison was in deep shock, but she was not really Tann’s fan needed to admit that he was more and more directing the power to his hands only. Kesh just laughed.

“I support Raeka’s request. It’s reasonable and me, Addison and Kandros can manage without you until we decide who to pick for a team from the Salarian community.” She was so enjoying it, getting rid of this hateful and undiplomatic individual.

“I recommend the Cpt. Hayjer. He is responsible, has a diplomatic talent and is a good war tactician. He would be great asset to the Initiative team.” Said Raeka.

“Then we should elect someone to represent Asari after their Ark is successfully relocated.” Said Addison. She followed the all three Pathfinders with her eyes. Everyone seemed calm and committed. They welcomed the development. Even Avitus who were silent just following the situation. He did not know Raeka much, but he was loyal to Sara for her help and support. No one here would back Tann again. He lost his respect.

“Miss Harper informed me, that her intel localised the Ark. It’s a matter of days.” Said Kandros. They were ignoring Tann, not waiting for his opinion, nor for his decision, they had seen this as an opportunity to create finally an equal team with representative from every race of the Milky way now present on Andromeda. Something resembling the Citadel council but more equal in its representation.

“I’m on to it. We’ll depart early in the morning.” Said Sara, smiling. She also ignored Tann and gently put a hand on Lexi’s arm who still looked shocked from the recent development of the events.

“Including you, Dr T’Perro.” Said Addison and both Kesh and Kandros nodded. “We apologise for our unfair treatment of your person. You were right. We don’t have an authority over the Pathfinders’ crews and will trust with its management to the Pathfinders themselves. As all of them had formally come here to support a one member of the other team, it is enough proof for me. Your status will be reinstated and cleared from any accusation or record.” Said Addison politely and honestly. She meant what she said. She could feel what Kandros meant by his former defence of the doctor. The strength of the individual teams fuelled their commitment to the cause on which all their lives depended.

“Thank you, directors.” She used the plural tense now, showing Tann her back.

“You all…. You all will regret this.” Said Tann, with anger, but a following stream of thousands of words was stopped by a hand of a krogan arriving on his arm.

“I’m going to take out the trash. Please, continue without me.” Said Kesh and Tann’s posture froze in the same second he felt a krogan fingers touching his skin. The excitement hidden behind Kesh’s words filled him with deep and for a Salarian irrational fear.


	31. When I fell for a human

Lexi was sitting in the med-bay looking silently at the white lily on her table. The flower required bigger pot and was growing into a beauty. Surely modified to not act as a typical Earth plant, but surviving and growing above its former limitations. She felt that many people here were doing the same. They needed more space as their personalities grew, they were stronger, more capable of survival. She was thinking of every member of the Tempest, she was thinking of Peebee and her inner strength to fight her own demons; she was thinking about Sara. A young woman outgrowing herself by decades of years, doing things no one could expect she was capable of. Maybe that was what fascinated everyone about her. How much she could push herself over the limits, how she was willing to overstep her fears.

Lexi touched the white petals and smiled. It was a sad smile though. She, an Asari slowly reaching her third century of life, she was shaded by this young woman in many aspects. The hearing, she planned it to go differently, to be cool and have everything under control, but it was her who’s nerves crumbled under the ignorance of the Initiative. She was no diplomat, her world was the care of this bunch of aliens, her research, her profession. After nearly 300 years of life, her world was quite small. How comparable was the age of an Asari with the age of a Human? How they perceived the speed of their life? Was it similar to a cat aging alongside a human? How different was their reception? And how strong was the impact of Sara’s character on her own? She sighted. Sooner or later she would be at the end of her Maiden period, although she promised herself to have break from relationships. There were serious reasons for it.

She had a hard time dealing with loneliness. Being abandoned was not a problem in itself, but being abandoned because of doing something she was most passionate about, that was what hurt her the most. When she was only young an inexperienced, she had a crush on Turians, mostly because she missed her father. Typical Electra syndrome, as the human doctors named it, maybe, but for a stage of an Asari life it was not uncommon. Turians and Asari, of course, had become her common dating mate. She even melded with one Turian with whom she was, while being nearly 80 years of age. Then, when her profession filled her life nearly in every aspect, she wanted to sync with someone who was capable of accepting her passion, her love for her research and work. She was unlucky. It did not matter that she was with a Turian or with an Asari. She was unlucky with the personalities, their goals or passions. Nor Salarians proved to be better with their Scientific focus, nor Krogans, she focused her main thesis on. She was an expert on alien anatomy, psychology, but she could not figure out why there was a problem with all those long living races around her, why she could not feel comfortable. Why she was not fully into them although she wished and why they could not share her passion with her. She was a researcher and she sought to experiment and was willing to try it with humans who were a mystery to all as newcomers. Then, she met Victoria.

It happened on the Citadel, in a part where a beautiful park was being constructed. Victoria was there as a specialist human consultant and helping the designers to combine Earth plants and trees in sectors which would be in harmony with alien ecosystems. Lexi was there to ensure the health safety of the Salarian staff if any poisoning occurred. She still could remember the day when they met. She was maybe 267 years old. A Salarian ambassador introduced them together, the formalities were in place, shaking hands, a smile, exchange of name cards and short history summary. She could remember all as it happened just yesterday…

***

“Victoria Iris Cabrera.” A woman around 36 years of age smiled at an Asari opposite and offered her a hand. “A botanist specialist and a consultant for this project. It’s a pleasure to meet you Dr T’Perro.”

Lexi accepted the hand and scanned the human in front of her. She was a bit taller than her, with a curly dark hair and kind brown eyes. There were slightly visible wrinkles near her eyes, but it somehow suited her. Victoria had a slightly, but naturally brown skin quite common for a Latino country she must have been from. Judging by her accent and surname. Lexi had enough time already to study humans. Materials were accessible and she also worked along some of their best scientists. One she made a friend of. Harry, one of those of his race she had the highest respect of and trusted to.

“Pleasure it’s on my side, Dr Cabrera. And please, call me Lexi. No need for formalities amongst colleagues.” She could see a smile on Victoria’s lips, a sign of gratitude.

“Of course, Lexi… Would you like to join me for a coffee? The workers are having a break, and there is a small nice bar just near here.” She was very polite and charming, Lexi thought. Most of the human scientists Lexi worked with were above 45 or 50, and were usually men. She knew about the long culture of oppression within its own race, were human women fought for their independence. For such short-lived race, their culture was rich on conflicts. She remembered how her Salarian professor described them as over-passionate aliens who’s confidence and specific individualistic nature caused them to make their own planet too small for the scope of their creativity. When three humans were in the room, there would be six opinions conflicting.

“Good idea. I haven’t tried that place yet.” Said she only, and so they both walked side by side to the place, silent. It was a first meeting, but the silence was not conflicting their thoughts. It seemed relaxing and natural until they ordered coffee and Victoria looked at the metallic cup in front of her.

“Coffee is making me miss Earth, sometimes. The ritual behind it.” Victoria started to speak with a dreamy voice. This way of distancing themselves within their thoughts reminded Lexi sometimes of the Asari melding. In a way, the humans were capable to live within their own thoughts and memories. As their remembering process was not so intensive as for Drells, humans could modify their own visions and turned them into art, into passion, or even fake them in order to heal their own trauma. The limits of a human brain were the actual creators of their own magnificence as well as tragedy.

“Drinking from those unpractically small porcelain cups?” Asked Lexi but smiled.

“Oh, yes.” Victoria laughed and then immediately apologised. “I’m sorry. Surely, you’re not interested in my mumbling… Those things belong to the past.” Their eyes met and Lexi realised that what bothered her was not the laugh or chit chat about human traditions. It was the missing beat of her own heart when she dived her eyes into the ones of the woman before her.

***

Victoria and Lexi had become close friends within a month period. Their friendship was building around the lunch breaks in the first week and followed by spontaneous friendly walks after work. Lexi felt relaxed and good around Victoria, listening to her long descriptions of different places on Earth with beautiful natural gardens of red and purple flowers, the peace of parks; the fact that humans could still save some piece of nature after years of wars between their own kind and how symbolical it was for a scientist like her to be able to see it. To be alive and born in an age where other planets offered her discoveries and studies amongst the best minds of the Milky Way galaxy, to enjoy every second of her life…..

“Are you sad sometimes, humans don’t live so long?” Asked Lexi once after two months of knowing each other, when both were sitting under a tree in their favourite park of the Citadel.

“I don’t know… But I think, no. I think it is good to live short, at least for me… for us, humans.” Said Victoria. Her eyes were closed, resting her head on the tree, thinking.

“Why?” Lexi liked to watch her in this position, it calmed her down.

“Everything needs to die, sooner or later. Studying the life of the silent trees and flowers showed me the diversity of life. This galaxy is like a huge garden. You, Asari and Krogans are the trees, the highest and oldest members of a complex Ecosystem, with purpose of the oldest to look after us, to teach us and remember us. Your beauty grows with experience, slow, majestic, nearly god-like. But ours… We humans are like roses. Life is fast as a beam, but intense. If watered and cheered well, the shade of the colour is harmonised with the sweetest aroma surrounding the soft petals… Any poison kills us fast, indoctrinates our thoughts and kills us even from within. Sharpens our thorns. The intensity is both destructive and creative, but it would not be possible in a long life. Our short life span makes us who we are, makes us valuable members of the garden, and I love this analogy. I love this intensity, dreaming, foolishness and naiveté following all of it.” She laughed with the last words and opened her eyes.

“I love it too... I meant, about you… Those characteristics...” Said Lexi regretting immediately what she said. She was so charmed by these dreamy stages and could listen to them for hours. But, her tongue slipped words which were not in place. Victoria only smiled.

“Dr T’Perro. I have a feeling that you tried to give me a compliment. So, unprofessional.” She said with a serious voice, but when she noticed a sudden and terrified expression forming on the Asari’s face she burst into laugh.

“Calm down, Lexi. It was only a joke.” She said.

“Not a funny one, Vicki.” She looked grumpy now, her eyebrows lowered in an annoyed look, but inside feeling relieved.

“Fine, fine, you are right. It was unfair. I’m sorry.” She was still smiling and Lexi was still looking angry.

“You’ll need to buy me coffee for a week to forgive you for this.” Said Lexi, but a little smile appeared on her lips.

“I’m scientist, you know I’m too poor for this. But, I have something better to offer you.” Said Victoria, enjoying this friendly game and looked at Lexi.

“What is it?” The curiosity was obvious. But the shock following it was too sudden, when she felt Victoria getting closer to her. When her hand softly touched her face and her lips closed the distance between them in a warm kiss. Her heart missed more than one beat.   

She was before in Lexi’s apartment. Filled with books, some artefacts and basics, Lexi never fell for comfort and lived simply. They studied there together or talked for hours. It was usually in her apartment were Victoria turned to be the listener, read her works and shared her opinions on Lexi’s life experiences. It was a place where they all met with Harry and laughed together. And now, it had become a sanctuary for their love.

Victoria was the more dominant one, hungrier one leading every move. It was strange for how well she directed her touch on the blue skin, knowing exactly where to direct her fingers. Lexi could not believe that she was the first Asari Victoria ever touched or kissed. And she hardly believed she felt so vulnerable under her hands, willing to be seduced like a young girl. The desire was stripping and tearing their clothes and they ended up in bed without knowing how much time had passed. This human filled her existence with passionate movements, synchronized with her own in a way she had never experienced before.

 

***

Lexi was holding a photograph of her and Vicki and tears were flowing down her cheeks. Victoria insisted to use and old-school human polaroid camera to take this picture, and it was the only one she kept. Every digital was deleted from the files, every proof of their relationship. Just this, one photograph, focused on their happy faces, on those kind brown eyes she loved so much. Five years together and this small frame was the only thing left, but the only right one which was supposed to be left of Victoria. It was true of her. Old picture, decaying with time, loosing colours, structure, life… She would not be happy to be remembered in a one and only perfect shape, it was not her, and Lexi needed to learn it the hard way.

The picture fell on the table and she covered her face as the tears were flowing in streams, the pain was filling her soul crushing it like in a cramp. Lexi learned the truth behind the analogy about roses and a huge garden, Vicki told her that day when they first kissed, too late. She learned it too late. The truth behind her own decaying and dying body, the reasons of living fully and for every moment, giving Lexi all what was left of her. The pain was unbearable after that realisation and was still even now, when she remembered how foolish and selfish she was when Victoria broke up with her.

It was on the day when Harry offered Lexi and Vicki to become a part of the Initiative project. Lexi was naturally excited, it was her dream to follow a team to another galaxy and have a chance to study different alien races. She could not understand why Victoria was sad and quiet on their way home. How hard it was for her to tell Lexi she could not follow her there, avoiding the answer with tears in her eyes. Why she broke up with her when Lexi refused to leave her alone, why she was violently packing her things, shouting at her, trying to hurt Lexi in order to let her go. That most painful moments she could not understand her motivations, she felt hurt, betrayed, angry…

The words were cruel and intense in the ugly fight which followed. Emotions controlled Lexi’s action when she released her light biotic field, not knowing that for a dying and fragile rose, even a soft wind was a deadly hurricane. It was too late then to understand anything….

“Who is she? So hot…” She heard Peebee’s caring and worried voice near her ear and a blue hand touching her arm. The other one was holding the photo. The memories consumed her attention as her heart and she had not realised when Peebee entered the Med-bay. Lexi looked at Peebee with eyes red from tears and smiled sadly.

“A woman I once loved…. and killed.”


	32. Why to care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say, sorry for letting you wait. I can see the number of Kudos slowly raising, and I appreciate every one of it.  
> I am not capable of posting a lot now, but after 15th of May there will be more chapters comings because I am planning to use my 15 hours trip from Denmark to Slovakia to write. 
> 
> This chapter is more a continuation on the previous one. The story will soon move further, and you will see some action as well. I will explore Vetra's character a bit more and Cora. So, be patient with me, one more chapter coming before we move to the Asari Ark. And leave comments, please, it makes me happy to read them.

“That’s tough, Lexi…” Said Peebee sitting on a bed next to Lexi. She briefly explained to her, what have happened and who Victoria was. It never crossed her mind, in what pain Lexi could really be, what she experienced before leaving to Andromeda. Lexi was holding own hands and looking into nothingness. Remembering the past was still very painful to her, she loved Victoria too much to let it heal so fast.

“I can see… I understand why you… why you could understand my problems.” Continued Peebee not knowing what to do.

“It’s good you saved Kalinda, Peebee. It would haunt you forever.” Her hands were shaking. She could see Victoria’s body in front her. She could not breathe, the ribs slid through her lungs scratching her heart like a knife through a butter. Peebee raised her arms towards Lexi and hugged her.

“That’s ok, doc. Don’t… don’t be so hard on yourself, ok? It’s not fun to see you like this… it’s not… you should be the one strong enough and scolding everyone how stupid we are, worrying too much… crying too much... don’t…” Lexi looked at Asari next to her. Peebee was holding her, eyes closed, tears running slowly under the eyelids. Lexi was amazed and shocked, but she also felt warmth spreading inside her. Peebee cared for her so much that she could not stand to see her in pain. It was amazing progress since the day she accused her of not caring about anyone on the Tempest. She returned the hug and relaxed her cheek on Peebee’s forehead.

“I’ll be ok, Peebee. Don’t worry. Thank you.” They stayed in a silent embrace for couple of minutes. Lexi closed her eyes and let it last, feeling like energy was flowing into her through Peebee, calming her own pain into spheres she had under control.

“Doc… You should talk to Sara about it.” Lexi interrupted their embrace and looked at her.

“I can’t… not now….” She looked down.

“You must. It obviously affects your actions. You know like, not jumping on her in front of everyone and all of that bullshit of patient doctor relationship.” Peebee nearly danced towards the bed and sat on it watching Lexi.

“But, tell me doc. And be honest.” Said she seriously. Lexi raised her head and looked at her.

“Do you really love Sara, or just… just… you’re with her because she reminds you of her.” This was truly a serious issue and Lexi bit her lip. Peebee cared for Sara maybe even more than for Lexi despite she kept her distance recently. She felt like being in front of that committee, Peebee’s eyes scanning her thoroughly. It was sometimes amazing how Peebee was unstable in her reactions, how fast she could change her mood, cry than laugh, not so typical of many Asari she had known. 

“I….” Lexi lost her voice for a moment. She noticed Peebee’s eyebrows raised in a silent question.

“I do…” Said Lexi.

“You do what?” Peebee was not going to let this go, she needed a clear answer, for the sake of both.

“I do love Sara. But I still have feelings for Victoria. It might have happened 600 years ago, but for me it’s just few years before I joined the project.” Peebee slipped from the bed and had come closer to Lexi.

“So, simple…. Now, you need to talk to her about it.” She smiled so lightly, like she could find solution for the most complex problem of the Universe.

“But… It’s not a good idea. Sara needs to focus…” She knew this was a lie, not the real reason she refused to talk about it.

“Look. Let Sara go, or come to light fully. She doesn’t have your time, she doesn’t have our time despite the fact we might all die tomorrow.” Said Peebee. It was true. Humans lived much shorter, which was another reason she hesitated to date Sara at all. The pure fact of her short life painfully reminded Lexi of the one Victoria lost. Peebee for some reason could still understand it better. She was more human like in this sense. She even lived that way, fully enjoying every moment.

“Lexi, Sara doesn’t have bone disease and she surely wouldn’t die by your hand. You look too pissed off when she gets hurt to let that happen. I understand why you are afraid, but you know… She will die before you anyway.” Said Peebee with a sad voice. If Peebee stayed with Sara she would need to deal with the same problem. As every Asari needed at some point of life settling with a race with such a short life span. She was a specialist on this and still, it was the hardest for her to accept it. Especially when it related to her own feelings.

“I know… I know all of that. But isn’t that a reason to keep quiet about it? Their lives are just…. a beam.” Used she quietly Victoria’s words.

“You know well, that’s not how their brain works. If you don’t be honest, I can simply start to sleep with Sara again…” Said Peebee and crossed her arms on her chest. Her voice was not threatening only silent, but Lexi still looked at her shocked.

“What’s the point to think of Kalinda, to listen to your advice, to set a new start when it’s so much easier to fool around… To keep things like they were, like nothing happened. If their life is only a beam, so let it treat like it. We can both set dates in the calendar when to sleep with Sara, maybe she’d like it as she adores us both, so you know. Keep it simple.” She raised her arms showing unknowing gesture. Lexi was looking at her amazed. But she got the message.

“Stop it Peebee. This is not necessary.” Said Lexi.

“Isn’t it? If we are careful we can live a thousand of years. Can you imagine? A fucking thousand. What a fuss. Sara wouldn’t be able to even reach my age, nor yours. In Salarian logic this would not be even worth the trouble and a conversation we’re having. The calculations are not very favourable for a serious relationship with a human. There is Drack, he seems better, but well… He might die before Sara in this case, so.” Peebee repeated the movement with her arms, but looking at Lexi in the same manner. She was absolutely serious, this could not be a game anymore if they both had chosen to be serious about their lives. Lexi sighted.

“You are correct. Your logic is perfect. And you are right. But we cannot avoid of being who we are, where we come from and how we…. react.” Said Lexi imagining the anger she felt when being too emotionally attached to a human for the last time.

“And here we have an attitude which pisses Sara the most.” Peebee moved her hand and touched Lexi’s arm with a one finger like pointing with a gun. Then her hand travelled back on her chest.

“Those idiots around shooting, killing each other, like we were still at Milky way. Repeating the same mistakes and keeping the same prejudiced opinions about every other. Don’t you think this is a time to try to be different?” Said Peebee and pointed her finger again.

“You know, I kind of understand Kalinda and how she has changed after we docked in this strange galaxy. It is so tempting to start again, differently… Although it has just showed what a bitch she always was…. well, anyway. By the Goddess, you really don’t want to think this way, Dr T’Perro. No if you want to follow Sara until we kick that kett ass Archon. Not if you want to be happy!” She raised her voice, the emotions were changing her attitude fast again. Lexi was silent. Her words betrayed her. Peebee was so right it terrified her how much she was running away from her past as well.

“I want you to be happy, Matriarch. You both. And I want to be happy to. Especially when everything goes to shit… But if some meteorite is gonna end my life tomorrow, I want to try… to give it all… Yes… I will. I’ve just decided. I’ll give myself a chance and you should too. Ok? Fine? Capish?” Now was the Peebee who was expecting an answer, a monologue, a word. Lexi needed to smile. She was happy to have a friend like her.

“Capish, Peebee. I’ll talk to her. And you should talk to Kalinda too. We are leaving in the morning for the Asari Ark.” Said Lexi. Peebee’s pupils widened.

“Shit, what? Tomorrow?” Suddenly she did not know what to do with her body.

“Yes… Sara mentioned it today at the meeting.” Said Lexi still smiling.

“Shit.. Well.. Then.. Bye..” She ran to the doors, then she stopped and ran back to Lexi.  Her movement had frozen for a minute, then she poked Lexi gently in the arm before she ran away this time for real.

Lexi looked at the white lily on the table, then her eyes followed the way from the plant to the photograph. She took it from the table and placed it next to the flower. That was the right place, nothing to be ashamed of. Lexi sighted and then she recorded message on her omni-tool.

“Sara, after you're finished, please. Come and see me in the Med-bay. We need to talk.” She bit her lip and kept staring on the orange glowing tech around her arm. It took a lot of strength for her to click on the right button and send the message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upcoming chapter - "Unexpected friendship"


	33. Sincerity of feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, the unexpected friendship is coming next. This chapter just did not let me go and asked to be written. Please, enjoy and let me know what you think about it. What do you think about what Lexi is going through. How would you deal with such a burden. And yes, this chapter is about her (again).

Lexi heard steps outside her med-bay slowly moving towards Sara’s room. She was nervous, it was nearly 4 hours since she sent that message and no response. They had not talked after that incident, and it seemed that Sara was kept there for the whole time. The doors closed and the sound made her certain. Sara was back. Lexi looked at the picture of Victoria near the white lily and again bit her tattooed lip. If she waited, the pressure would grow over her head and she was sure her courage would fly away with her recently exploded mind. She abruptly took the picture from the table and hid it in her white-red medical coat.

Lexi left the med-bay too fast, and too fast she was in front of the Pathfinder’s quarters. She raised her blue fingers to the green circle, but it turned red.

_Dr T’Perro, the Pathfinder doesn’t wish to be disturbed._

Lexi sighted. No, this needs to happen now, or never. As the whole issue was deeply personal for her, she needed to do it here, before they left for the Ark. Peebee was right. Sara could die anytime, they could die anytime anywhere.

“SAM, open the door. My authorization codes.” There was a silence for a moment.

 _As you wish, Dr T’Perro._ Lexi would swear his voice sounded a bit irritated. But, the door opened. Sara was laying on the bed, facing the ceiling with her back, her face dipped fully in the soft blanket. She walked in.

“Lexi, I’m tired. Whatever it is, I’m sure it can wait.” Mumbled Sara with exhausted voice in mood not wishing to encounter anyone or anything. She was still in her clothes and boots. Lexi quietly observed her for a moment, then raised her hand and made sure the doors were locked again.

“We need to talk, Sara.” Said she patiently.

“I know, I’ve listened to your message.” Sara slowly moved on her bed, lazily though. She looked at Lexi who realised Sara looked very tired and worried in a way. Lexi slowly walked closer to her, but kept standing. The photo was burning slowly towards her chest like a hidden flame. She could feel its shapes with intensity of a knife serving the chefs for preparing fish. Sharp and ready to carve the insides out. Insides similar to her heart.

“I’m sorry, you look exhausted.” Said she quietly. Her doctor curiosity made her carefully trace the signs of exhaustion on Sara’s face. The young human had more wrinkles and more stripes of white hair shining on the originally dark brown colour.

“I am.” Sara sighted and stretched her back.

“It was endless. Talking with Hayjer, all the bureaucracy... and then the Ark.” She continued and Lexi moved closer and sat next to her on bed.

“What about it?” She asked Sara.

“Well, everyone is sceptical. No real distress signal. And after that debris found on Voeld…. No one really believes anyone is alive, especially their pathfinder Matriarch Ishara. It’s a mess. It seems that only one hoping is Cora.” Sara massaged her temporal bones.

“And you? Do you believe it?” Asked Lexi and gently touched Sara’s arm. Her issue needed to wait, although her soul was screaming and she felt like wanting to run.

“I’m hoping.” She looked at Lexi and smiled. “I always hope. I will. I’ve decided when we found Avitus. No matter what I’ll keep my hope.” She looked so innocent and positive although Lexi was sure, that Sara was tired of holding on that hope. She was tired of keeping that fire so strong. She felt a strong urge to kiss her, so she turned her head forward away from those eyes.

“I know you will save everyone you can.” Lexi said and smiled.

“And then you’ll kill me for getting nearly killed.” Sara laughed when Lexi turned to her with an annoyed look.

“For your own safety, I still recommend you to not test my patience, Pathfinder.” Uttered she through nearly closed lips.

“Oh, I know. Because you can brake bones just well as you can mend them.” She laughed, but a shadow travelled over Lexi’s face. That saying… She was truly feeling blue both inside and outside. Sara noticed this sudden change of energy and looked at her worried.

“Are you ok? Yes... you wanted to talk about something, right?” Sara now looked confused and not knowing what to do. She was somehow similar to Peebee, those two would fit great together. _T’Perro, you should psychoanalyze yourself instead. Those thoughts are self-destructive and useless._ Her mind shouted at her.

“If it is about that hearing…. I’m not angry you haven’t told me anything, ok? Everything ended well so, no worries. Life’s too short to worry about things which went well.” _Yes, life was too short indeed._ This made the shadow even darker and Sara nearly panicked. These were supposed to be encouraging words, not depressing ones. At least she thought they were.

“I don’t know if I can….” She felt a bit cold, her heart was trembling under memories. She needed to tell her but in the same time she couldn’t. The photo was there, only few centimetres away from the truth to be revealed. Everything felt like that time, it was so alive, so close to her, the time was too relative to feel real, the 600 years were only 6 plus two zeros, and she felt that six is alone collecting all that time of happiness and tragedy together. And now, another human woman was sitting beside her, worried voice was getting to her deeps, the darkness was growing and she was there again, broken, kneeling in front of a body which was losing warmth slowly, while the blood stole all the oxygen from Vicki’s lungs when she was choking with it. And she could not do anything, just kneeling there, trying to push her hands on the chest... Not remembering what she really did, what she had been doing, maybe applying medi-gel, but it was too late…. _Life was too short, indeed._ Her body had not listened to her again, not hearing what Sara was mumbling, telling her. Something filled with fear. Fear of breaking up? she could not hear. Break up, Victoria tried to do it to save Lexi’s dream, and she killed her instead. Her hand was suddenly holding a photograph, putting it on Sara’s lap… She could feel, she was looking at the photo, touching it exploring it, searching for explanations as Lexi was silent.

“Who is she Lexi? Why are you crying?” She could hear Sara saying. Worried and terrified. Surely, she thought this woman was still alive, a competition to Sara, someone she could fear would steal her blue love from her, killing the chance, the fresh start and maybe hope. But, was she crying? She was. In her head, deep in the memories, she was crying hard, but on the funeral when two white lilies were falling down to the coffin. Two, magical number for the dead. How ironic. She died alone by her lovers’ hand.

“Victoria… my boundmate 600 years ago.” She said slowly, the words were uttered like by some alien lips, not by her, she was not present, still only there, kneeling, feeling like life was leaving the human’s body. Was this also a fate prepared for Sara?... Sara... Yes, Sara was asking her something.

“Is she… here?” The question was careful, the hope in her voice was still there hidden behind friendship request for explanation.

“She’s dead….” The hope turned to guilt, Lexi could feel the change in Sara’s energy that she dared to be jealous when somebody she loved was dead. It nearly made Lexi smile, the naivete, the fear of losing Lexi for someone else, so long dead. Yes, Victoria was dead for more than 600 years. Her bones were already consumed by the Earth she loved so much. She wished to be buried there, in her home town, the first and last time Lexi walked on that planet.

“I’m…. I’m sorry Lexi…” Sara was not sure what to say, how to react. The information Lexi had given were too little to make any assumptions, but she tried to make contact, friendly maybe, but filled with pain within her own heart, feeling for someone she loved deeply and scared about. Although, truth was that jealousy was there somewhere as a silent voice screaming, owning, claiming. Lexi finally turned her head towards Sara and looked at her silently.

“I killed her…” That was all she could say, all the explanation she could give Sara this moment and it was obvious in her eyes she could not talk anymore. Her eyes were red, but tears dried with the last of Victoria’s breath she visualised in front of her. The pain, the guilt, the self-hate, all went silent. Everywhere was just silence.

In Sara too. It was hard to process those words, they were just not logical, did not suit Lexi, did not pass her. She was not a killer not capable of doing something like this. Surely it was an accident, but Lexi was not capable of telling her more, she could see that, the emptiness Sara nearly fell into some time ago was hanging above Lexi and like a Damocles sword alarming Sara it could fall anytime.

“I’m sure… you didn’t want to.” Said Sara quietly touching Lexi’s hands, trying to hold them as tight as possible, trying to transfer her own strength to her as she did few weeks ago for her too.

“I’m not. I don’t know what is real about it anymore. I don’t know what I wanted in that moment or why it happened. It might be only an illusion lost centuries ago.” She was looking at Sara, the words about real and unreal were repeated in her mind like a tantric ritual, making her question every feeling in her this moment, exactly like Peebee said; even the feelings towards Sara. This woman holding her hand watching her movements, worried about her deeply and she was not sure after uttering those words whether she truly loved her or was using her to heal her scars. Maybe she was really that selfish as Addison and Tann said, crossing the boundaries…

Yes, the boundaries of unsaid or undone. She was definitely using Sara now, this confused young human, because her body made her move again, on her own, bringing her too close…. She suddenly smelled the evaporating antiperspirant Sara used, the smell of tiredness and sweat, and anger and confusion, all mixing in a cologne with nearly animalistic effect on Lexi, driving her pure desires wild, a need for a rough sex, something to forget everything, to abandon that image far behind to think straight again.

And Sara accepted. She felt Lexi suddenly kissing her with an urge far from kind or sweet, but driving her mad in the same manner. She learned the rules fast enough to grab Lexi and pull her towards her, pushing her hand on her waist, tracing the perfect shapes, feeding them both with the nature’s pure cure to pain. Lexi moaned to her ears, driving Ryder crazy while the kisses stopped and moved their location, Sara tasting Lexi’s neck and wrapping her fingers around a hidden button under the black strip of Lexi’s clothes, holding the upper part together. When she found it, she ripped it apart, not thinking twice about consequences, trying to get to her bare blue skin as it was the only thing which could make Sara breathe again or the only way how to save Lexi from the pain of lost lover.

Lexi was benevolent and even helping Ryder to rip her clothes and own her body, the leather was screaming in pain when it was turned into pieces, but she did not care. She did the same, with the jacket, the t-shirt, the shawl. She pushed Sara in bed, half naked and stripped both of them completely, touching just by bare skin. She was following Ryder’s hand touching her shapes, making its way to her breasts and bent towards her, making them closer to that touch. She stole more kisses from the pink lips and pushed her hips closer to the centre and wet proof of their wild passion. Sara tried to follow her, held her waist and pushed her hard on her own skin so they could sync together in the best way their hot bodies could offer.

In this moment, none of them cared about the sincerity of their feelings. The only issue for Sara was to help this beautiful blue woman dancing on the top of her to reach climax as soon as possible and silence the pain in the roughest expression of their love.


	34. Unexpected friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your nice comments and patience.  
> I want to thank especially to Myslbek22 for her help with shaping Kalinda character, so this chapter is devoted to her.

Kalinda was looking straight up at the ceiling feeling bored. It was already late, other patients were asleep. She could not. Not only because of the pain traveling from her chest to the upper part of belly, but because of stillness of this place. Her own people were not allowed to come, it was too risky. She would usually seek her personal doctors in a nice room with privacy and own shower. The life on the top of the society had spoiled her and persevered certain standards. Even a rough life of a merch she exchanged her life for had not changed those standards. She tried to move on the uncomfortable bed up to sit down. Her hand automatically travelled up to hold her belly.

“Cannot sleep?” She heard a quiet whisper. Kalinda turned her head towards the bed next to her, a human male was lying there. Young, with light beard, short hair and a wide smile on his lips. In a way, she was happy for this interruption of her boredom, so she decided to play along. Anything was better than this and, maybe, if he was an important person of the Nexus, she could use him to get out of here.

“You may say that. What about you, Mr…?” She used neutral voice and smiled.

“No need for Mr.” He tried to laugh as quietly as possible but failed and few annoyed looks had travelled his way.

“Maybe we should move to the common room? You know. Too many sick people around.” He joked and Kalinda nodded.

“Good idea. I’m sick of everyone here.” She was curious who this human was. She had her suspicion… The man stood up first and offered her a hand.

“Let me help you. I’ve noticed you cannot dance around.” His relaxed nature only strengthened her suspicion, but accepted offered hand. Maybe if she played it to his weaker side… Slightly leaning on each other, they managed to walk outside the med-bay quarter in the now quiet entrance space where even a guard was half asleep. Kalinda sat on a sofa brought there for patients.

“So, we should be cool here.” He sat next to her and offered her a hand.

“I’m Scott.” Her instincts were right. The second of the Ryder family was sitting near her. This was her lucky day.

“You must be the brother of the famous Human Pathfinder.” Kalinda said innocently.

“Yes… Well, I get that a lot. My sister seems to get the attention of all beautiful women around.” He said with pretended sad eyes, and Kalinda was sure, he was flirting. It was strange that both Ryders had a soft spot on Asari.

“I’m sure that you just haven’t met the right one… to show off.” She grinned and played this game. Today was truly her lucky day.

“Yeah, yeah. Always overshadowed by Sara’s charm and uniform. But, if you are that right one to, as you said, to show my qualities to, what’s your name?” Scott seemed to use all the charming energy he could possibly gather.

“Ka…Kalliny. Kalliny T’ersi.” Said Kalinda, correcting her tongue immediately. Both Ryders surely talked often and Sara must had told Scott about her.

“Kalliny, a charming name. Sounds a bit Greek…” He said with a side smile so typical for both of Ryders.

“Greek?” She raised her eyebrows. She was never really interested in humans and their history. The real interest of her former ambassador post was with Batarians.

“You know, those ancient half-naked humans in the past of our boring history….” He was looking at her, but Kalinda did not seem to know.

“No? Nothing? Well It reminds me of a Goddess.” It seemed to not work, using references specific for their own race to flirt.

“A goddess you say…” She pretended to fell for his bait, as it was a part of her own plan.

“Yes… Calliope for example. She was like the goddess of all Muses, the ones which brings inspiration to writers, artists… Very poetic, you know. Even a lover of the god of war that time.” Scott repeated some memories from books he read. History and mythology was always his passion. Sara was more adventurous compare to him. Kalinda leaned a bit and tried to look interested. Scott was surely charming in his way, but that part of him was not what Kalinda wanted and was seeking. He was a direct ticket to the Pathfinder, and to Pelessaria.

“That’s quite well handled compliment, Scott. Calling me a goddess of all Muses.” She smiled. “But, I think I’m more interested to know more about the god of war.” Scott laughed and then moved a bit closer.

“You’re talking to him.” Said Scott and moved his eyebrows up and down like in a badly animated comedy series. Kalinda needed to laugh. He had his facial expressions under control like a professional actor. A person could feel relaxed around him quite easily. That reality played into her hand as it was obvious Scott was a type easy to trust to anyone.

“Kalinda?” She turned her head around and jumped on her feet. That movement caused her a tremendous pain. The fear was stronger though. Peebee was standing on the stairs, her hands on the chest crossed scanning her motifs. Kalinda’s heart was beating fast. She did not expect Peebee to come to see her at all, nor exposing her in front of Scott Ryder who she planned to trick. Everything now was destined to failure.

“Peebee. Nice to see you again.” It was Scott, however, who spoke, walking towards the stairs, not looking shocked at all.

“Scotti… You look good. Not as handsome as Sara, but still good.” Peebee relaxed her body and walked down the stairs. Her scanning look was interrupted and exchanged with kind and playful one.

“Come on… I exercised. I’m surely bigger than my little sister.” Peebee moved her eyes from his feet to head and touched her lip with one finger, thinking.

“Nah. I must see you naked first.” Scott laughed and Peebee smiled. Kalinda was looking at them stunned. Maybe she was the one tricked. They had played it well to humiliate her. Surely. Hugging her belly with one arm she managed to walk a bit closer to them. Peebee looked at her, not suspicious anymore, but there was a shade of worry behind that stare.

“I met your friend here, Kalinda. She was just talking about you….” Scott said and Kalinda needed to bit her tongue to not say anything which would compromise this lie. What was he doing?

“Really?” Peebee looked at Kalinda and him and back at her.

“Yeah. I insisted. Needed to know some dirty secrets of yours.” He smirked and Peebee poked him with one arm. She looked more relaxed around someone else than being there alone with Kalinda.

“I …. I…. haven’t said anything.” Said Kalinda only, still amazed by Scott’s game he was playing with both of them. Peebee finally looked at her longer, but had not say anything.

“She was good. You’ve come before I could charm her and dig much up. So… Well, but I’ll let you have some privacy. Right?” He did not wait for approval and distanced himself from two of them. Kalinda tightened her grip on her own body and looked down. When Scott was far away, Peebee spoke.

“I’m not stupid, Kalinda. You tried to manipulate him...” Peebee said with a cold voice. Kalinda’s embarrassment intensified.

“Yes… I introduced myself as Kalliny.” She looked at Peebee. Her own body was in pain but it didn’t matter to her now. Peebee rolled her eyes.

“Reckless… and stupid name. Scott knows who you are. Sara even uploaded your photo to his omni-tool. Your name doesn’t figure in the official report only because I asked her to not do so.” Peebee consciously kept Kalinda standing there, knowing it caused her pain because she deserved it. She was regretting coming here, thinking Kalinda deserved a chance.

“I… that was stupid.” Said Kalinda and massaged her forehead with the free hand. She wanted to hide the amazement that Peebee tried to protect her from getting exiled from the Nexus. True was, she was touched by what she heard.

“It was. I was… to trust you. To try to trust you’ve changed.” Said she and turned around ready to leave. Kalinda realised that Peebee was leaving her and moved fast, grasping her wrist and holding on it tight. The pain nearly consumed her consciousness, but she was one a hell of a tough bitch to let it stop her now.

“Pelessaria…. I’m sorry.” Said she quietly. Peebee breathed in and out and then turned around and looked at her.

“To hell with your sorry. TO HELL WITH IT!” She nearly screamed at her. She was so pissed off. An hour ago, she was telling Lexi to talk to Sara to reveal her pain, her suffering and she was so full of commitment herself to come here, to give Kalinda a chance, because they could die anytime.

“I've heard it before and I trusted it. And now I’m seeing you fooling my friend, tricking him, manipulating him as you always did with everyone…” She wanted to punch her, to make her feel how disappointed she was. There was whole galaxy fighting and she dared to add more lies into this melting pot.

“Pelessaria, I’ve had no intention to hurt your crew in any way. I’d never betray that promise I gave you all after you saved my life.” She tried hard to save the situation, trying to explain what were her intentions.

“I don’t have time for this.” Said Peebee and tried to release her hand from her grip. She just wanted to return back in the safety of the Tempest, back to hold her Geth, to be close to Lexi or Sara.

“Pelessaria…. Pelessaria listen… I was afraid, that you’ll never contact me again. I wanted to find a way to you.” Said she and Peebee stopped to fight with Kalinda’s fingers.

“Bullshit…” Said Peebee in her defence. It was hard for her to believe anything she said.

“It’s true. I’m touched you’ve come to see me...” Said she honestly and Peebee finally freed her hand and pointed at her.

“Don’t, don’t sweet-talk me. I don’t trust your lies anymore.” But she wanted to. She wanted to believe them, but her insides were screaming to cut this toxic relationship before it even starts.

“You don’t need to trust me, Pelessaria… I just don’t want to lose contact with you again. I meant what I said… But… It’s just... I hate when things are not under my control.” She sighted.

“Exactly. That is your problem! Your style to use others and control them… and I was stupid to think you might change. That death might change you. Well, you haven’t died at the end, but someone might not get over your nature and kill you for sure.” She did nearly spit those words out leaving Kalinda absolutely speechless.

“But I’ll tell you this only once and forever now.” She moved closer to Kalinda’s face, stronger than ever driven by her pain and anger.

“I’m not a thing. You cannot put a controlling chip on me to localise me whenever you desire to. You cannot come and hurt me or take me when you feel like. If, again, I’ll get a slightest feeling you are trying your dirty tricks on me or my friends, I’m getting you exiled, in prison, whatever. This is the last warning and take it as your chance. You’ll get no more.” She said. She was now bigger than Kalinda, she was not scared of her anymore, not even of the pain she felt while thinking about their past. She did not have time for games, and if Kalinda could not understand this simple truth, Peebee was done with her.

“Pelessaria…” Kalinda was amazed. This was not Peebee she had known. Peebee really matured and overstepped her own shadows. It even seemed that she was the one controlling the situation.

“Yes. That’s my name. You don’t own it either. Not anymore.” Said Peebee suddenly relaxed and smiled. This was a victory and a manner she planned to deal with Kalinda from now on. Playing by her rules or letting her go forever. She hoped Kalinda understood this new change of command and accepted it. It was not Peebee wanted to really let her go, not that she lost feelings for her after this theatrical act she tried with Scott… Peebee just realised that she respected herself too much for falling into the same dam of depression again. She did not need Kalinda’s protection or guidance. This was not about dominance anymore but about mutual respect. The lessons she learned on the board of the Tempest.

Pelessaria had left her there with those words, alone under the stairs. She watched her figure disappearing behind the closing doors. Kalinda was still processing what she told her, still speechless and also amazed. Pelessaria proved to be worth any effort although Kalinda was not sure if she was capable of overstepping her own fear of commitments.

“Peebee has some temper. So sad, she already loves you. I’d fight for her.” Kalinda turned around. Scott was leaning on the wall near the door, smiling.

“You… why?” Said she ignoring his words about love. Scott just shrugged his arms.

“I was curious how far you’d go. Simple.” He was still smiling and Kalinda wished to punch him.

“You won... I hope you’re satisfied.” She moved slowly back to the sofa and sat there.

“Won what exactly?” When he saw how tired Kalinda looked like, he moved next to her again and sat down.

“Oh, come one with that sad face. She’ll forgive you if you try hard enough.” Scott was too positive for her taste bur she still looked at him.

“Why do you care? I nearly got your sister killed…” She could not understand humans at all sometimes.

“Juuust nearly. Like nearly everyone in this galaxy. But, let’s say my opinion is completely opposite to Sara’s.” He stopped smiling but kept looking at her.

“I don’t understand…” Kalinda was puzzled.

“I believe you’d never stopped to care for Peebee. You’ve been following her steps too intensively for that.” Said Scott and Kalinda looked down at the floor. She nearly sarcastically chuckled but could not find words to fight the truth. Then she noticed a human hand offered to her.

“So, if I’m right let’s start again. I’m Scott. And you?” The hand was offering her friendship. Yes, she definitely did not understand this trustworthy race…. Especially his words made her lose control over her poker face and forced her to smile. She accepted that hand

“Kalinda… Nice to meet you Scott.”


	35. Anytime, Peebs.

Peebee rushed in the maintenance room like a tornado. It was already late. Bit surprising, she had not wake up the crew of the ship. She just needed to use the working bench and construct something to calm herself down. On the way from the Hyperion med-bay, her mood was swinging from relaxed to furious, trigged by her imagination; from wishing to strangle Kalinda with her bare hands to reporting her to the authorities; and to one mood deeply depressive, a feeling stupid and lonely. She was surely brave in front of her, but it still had not changed the general difficulty she had while dealing with all those mess, emotions entangled always in her thoughts.

“Peebs? Are you all right?” Liam showed up there as some apparition, just when she took a big hammer in her hand.

“Of course, … Why shouldn’t I be ok?” She bumped a piece of metal glass, destroying it into small pieces. Liam faltered whether it was smart to get any closer.

“Just a feeling. I’m totally sure that glass deserved it.” He said and Peebee looked at him with mixture of surrender, annoyance and anger. She put the hammer down and turned her body to him.

“Fine. I’m pissed off.” She crossed her hands on her chest watching her human buddy in front of her.

“What happened?” He walked closer and leaned on the working bench next to her. Peebee was following his movement with her eyes. There was a crazy idea completely shadowing her mind.

“Doesn’t matter. Let’s have sex.” She said and grabbed his hand and started to pull him towards his room.

“Wait… what???” Liam said shocked when he suddenly found himself in his room. Peebee turned to him and licked her lips.

“You don’t look that bad, Kostra. And I need distraction. Really fast.” She needed to kill those thoughts…. And she wanted some revenge, a slight one on Kalinda, do something reckless would do for sure. She walked closer to him nearly touching his chest.

“So what you say?” She purred those words, making Liam sweat.

“Peebs.. wait…. wait!” He said again while trying to stop Peebee’s hands. When he finally managed to grasp both of them he sighted with relieve.

“I can’t Peebs. Not like you’re not sexy enough, just… You’re like my little sis…” He smiled kindly and Peebee looked at side.

“I don’t care. I just… Argh!  Forget about it.” she released her hands and fell on the sofa. She looked like struggling with too many emotions at once. Liam went to his secret fridge and got two beers. He opened them and offered one to Peebee.

“Give me that.” She took it fast and nearly finished it at one breath. The soar taste of black beer filled her stomach with cold liquid spreading heat through her veins and calming her down a bit.

“So…” Said Liam and sat down next to her. “are you gonna tell me why you tried to rape me a minute ago?” He smirked and clanged the bottom of the bottle with hers, then drank some.

“Kalinda… That summarizes it quite well.” She said and rested her head on one of her hands, looking in nowhere.

“Hmm your spooky and wild ex. You have kind of many here in Andromeda, Peebs.” Peebee punched his arm with a little force.

“Not funny. She just tried to trick Sara’s brother to… I don’t even know what.” Her voice just sounded tired while uttering those words.

“Maybe to sex like you just tried.” He was still joking and deserved an irritated look coming from the Asari’s way.

“Hey hey.. Peace..” he raised his hands in defensive position. “Just trying to make you laugh, it suits you more.” He said and it made Peebee smile a bit.

“I’m not trying to be hostile, it’s just…. I really wished she has changed after that. You know.” She said quietly but her voice followed in the raised tone.

“It pisses me off so much…. what she did, how stupid I was to trust her, to… I don’t know. Relationships are too complicated. I miss the time I just cared about none of them.” Said she and Liam laughed which surprised Peebee.

“Really, Peebs? The last time I know you fooled around with Sara and you nearly end up killing each other.” She hated his relaxed nature.

“Incomparable.” She pushed her lips together to avoid a sad smile. That did not go well… They are good buddies, but when she tried to reattach, it was directed to an empty well.  

“Look Peebs. No one changes from day to day. Keep your distance and just chat a bit, and if she fucks up, well. You can still try to teach Jaal Asari mating rituals.” He could see Peebee relaxed a bit, joking helped her, it was her language.

“Too bad you don’t fuck your sisters.” Said Peebee and finally smiled.

“Well, that’s me. The real living proof of knighthood.” He straightened his back and showed his arm muscle. Peebee finally laughed as she found him funny.

“Yeah, sure... sure.. Keep telling yourself that when you see Umi next time, and you might finally ask her out for a date. And maybe, but only maybe she might not castrate you on the spot.” Peebee was finally on her track, fighting the jokes back, making them into pure perfection. Liam blushed.

“Well… actually… I already tried and I can promise, my manhood is still there and without a scratch.” Peebee just completely forgot the whole issue with Kalinda when she found out this big secret of Liam.

“Kostra, you womanizer…. How… When?” She poked him and looked genuinely interested.

“Let’s keep that for another time.” He was still blushing but smirking.  

“If you don’t tell me, I’m not gonna believe you have both balls in a one place and not as a trophy somewhere at Kralla's Song.” This was so interesting. That Liam managed to have sex with Umi, who was terrifying even for Krogans to mess up with

“Fiiine. Well. Let’s say, I was hypnotizing her with my devoted look and charming jokes until she fell for my charm and guided me to the storage room at her bar.” He smiled like a hero of the day and Peebee laughed again.

“You bastard. I don’t believe a word you say, but…” She looked at him with some peace in her eyes.

“But thank you for making me laugh, Kostra..” He was truly a good friend and she appreciated even more to be a part of this amazing crew.

“Any time, Peebs.” they cheered simultaneously and devoted the rest of their evening to jokes and alcohol.


	36. A dream of mortality

It was strange how the mental processes worked sometimes. A living nightmare – only way how Lexi could have described that night she was there again re-living the time of the funeral with the full Christian ceremony.

There was truly no race in the Universe without some religious affiliation, following a certain deity, a pattern of believing in higher powers in order to give their lives meaning. Meaning after death.

Death was for Lexi a distant Universe as their bodies were naturally resilient to the most galactical illnesses hurting the body. If not getting killed in a fight, there was a solid chance they could finish all their life cycles. So their own religion was not about death, but about eternity. Time was lost to them and when the time of the death had come, they were usually aware and prepared to just… to just go. At least, this was the story of those books they have read, Asarian poetry dealing with the eternity as a fact, and at the same time imagining death as a wisdom only open to those too young to parasitize on memories of others, on Asari or other species; than to get fully prepared for the incoming.

As she was watching the crying mother of her lover, stretching her hand towards the wooden black box bearing only a soul of a carpenter who carved the shapes of the coffin, she remembered one of those poems…

Intensity blurred is within the space of the Universe.

I do, however, miss the lack of death,

the remorse felt by Asari at her tenth hundred,

the fiction she dreamt but not experienced

the corrosion of the cells, crippling her shapes,

the collision of static security of an Asari body.

I might be crazy while wishing

to mutate into another species

who changes within the time,

to be a dying plant overshadowed by a stronger one,

to be cared by other living longer than us,

to know how to exist with only one choice in life.

To dream of mortality. 

 

The political and philosophical text was written by Taesha D’Revie in a time of her 7th cycle of life. It was the time of galactical exploration, meeting of new races, experiencing the phenomenon of melting with others apart from Asari, a time when they learned the dry reality of their being – to be condemned to only one shape in the physical reality and thousands on the level of the mental one.

Asari were already placed on the top of the hierarchy by being the first at the Citadel and many cults were created amongst another races, worshiping them. Adapting their religion, beliefs, fascinated by their beauty and power, treated nearly as immortal gods. Now, it is only a distant past, but she remembers how some of it was recalled back when humans entered the space being completely opposite to Asari while resembling their body shape the most.

A sense of nostalgia for philosophers like Taesha was back, Asari reciting the lines about mortality of the aging body, looking at the so-called soft-skin race with amazement and some sort of jealousy.

She was feeling it now, understanding it fully while watching this mourning ritual prepared for her boundmate. She understood where that amazement had its foundation and why it occurred only in minds of those Asari reaching or already being in a Matriarch stage of their lives. She could also understand why Maidens were driven to humans like to magnets more than Matriarchs who were dreaming about their existence but avoiding physical closeness with humans like it was some kind of plague attacking both soul and mind.

The Matriarchs were terrified of dying next to them despite within that stage they were the most compatible to die together, aging accordingly and not leaving bones behind them rotting with their love. The softness and warmness of the human bodies, the individuality and creativity of their minds glowing and dying fast as some stars terrified Matriarchs, representing a large-scale amnesia of experience which should have been the saviour for Asari to enter eternity with their own deaths. Melding with humans was for some Asari Matriarchs a distant dream an unexplored universe as there was none a living Asari yet melding with them in her early stage of life and reaching the Matriarch one with that experience in her soul, simply because humans were not a part of the galactic community long enough.

She was now a part of the experience, a Maiden truly representing the human meaning of that term, pure and formed by the ones she met, situation she had overcome… She did meld with Victoria and more than once. It felt so natural as breathing, they were synced beyond even her understanding and her own knowledge was incapable of giving her any explanations why she felt so mortal and immortal at the same moment. She was in love before, an intense kind of love but it felt differently, it evaporated faster than it existed. Like with the Mantius, a Turian she was with for nearly 20 years, who she loved deeply then, but… maybe not too deeply. This fast healing process was part of their psychology, as the pre-designed longevity protected their emotions from the crushing effect it could have on another species. The existing knowledge of their own capability to over-live most of their partners enforced the logic over any heart matter threatening their mental stability. It was one of the reasons why Asari were often considered as over-professional, distant and cold after some 100 years of age, and why everybody knowing their race called Peebee an untypical Asari.

It was untypical and she herself felt being different and strange. She felt walking somewhere in-between humans and Asari, not relating to the crying mother and not relating to her past experiences of distancing herself from her own emotions. It just didn’t work. She walked away from the burial side, looking around the small park the cemetery was located in. Victoria’s hometown was long non-existent, it was turned to a park, protected from any technological progress, a part of the political project to “return to green”, neo-green movement, so only the metropolises persisted, modernized and villages were buried underground, only cemeteries used as memorials hidden in forests persisted. It was amazing for her because she could not imagine any better place for Victoria to rest, as humans used to say. She could see her everywhere around her, the plants, the grass, the leaves on trees, it was a feeling shadowing her every thought, haunting her every step. In a way it was painful, but also fulfilling. She consciously wished to keep it, to not forget it, to sacrifice even her mental state in order to remember it as fresh as now. It was nearly a promise she had given herself and a curse of sentimentality, which caused Lexi to get back to that day too often in her sleep to count the night encounters.

“Let me go Lexi…. It’s over…” Victoria’s voice crushed the whole state and reminded her mind it was a dream haunting her. Small drops of sweat collected on different parts of her body as she suddenly raised up on a bed, naked. It took her a while to collect herself and realise where she was and what have happened that she was there in the Pathfinder’s blanket. She was breathing fast and hardly noticed a movement towards her, hands touching her skin pulling her in a tight and warm embrace.

“It was just a dream, Lexi…. I’m here.” Heard she a familiar voice, calming and soft. It was Sara, already dressed in a shirt and pants holding her very near her beating heart. She closed her eyes again, feeling suddenly vulnerable and shaking, realizing she was screaming when she experienced the past again.

“I couldn’t wake you up. I was so worried…” Said Sara not letting her go as afraid she would break. Lexi was silent. She kept her eyes closed, it felt so different to have, after all those years, not counting the unimaginable six hundred, someone with her, not being alone and not letting anyone close. Having break in relationships. She was grateful Sara was here, that she felt, she could literary feel the vibration and regular beats of her heart, a proof of a living being. The human concept of death, the sudden and dreamt experience the poet Taesha wrote about was now evaporating from her own body, feeling that in reality there was a new person in her life, ready to help her forget, or at least, move on…. And that human was alive, real, material, existent. She moved her hands to Sara’s back and embraced her, resting her face still close to her heart, needing a constant assurance Sara’s heart was not stopping again. It was a strong heart, she knew it as the Pathfinder’s physician, and she loved its regular sound more than ever before.


	37. Leusinia 1: Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very very sorry it took so long. I was traveling around not having much time to write. There will be more on Leusinia, so be pls patient

“Approaching the Navpoint Cora gave us, Ryder.” Said Kallo and Sara leaned more towards the window.

“There is something there, Sara.” Suvi continued and Sara bit her lower lip. It was amazing how close the Ark was to the Scourge. She heard steps behind her, but haven’t turned around. Her brain was working and thinking fast. Something was not right here but she couldn’t tell what bothered her so much.

“SAM, help out with the sensors…” Said Sara when she felt Cora’s presence just next to her. She knew this was an important mission for her second-in-command.

“Hard to believe Leusinia could survive in all this…” Cora uttered. This was exactly the thing bothering Sara’s thoughts.

“Indeed... But we should focus on saving who we can.” Blue, black and white uniform moved as Cora was finding her place to fit in with her own nervousness. Sara at least tried to believe that Cora could be nervous. Her tough training with the Asari commando, memorized manuals written by one of those who was supposed to be present on the ship, protecting Matriarch Ishara, the Asari pathfinder... It seemed that Cora was ignoring any doubts of this mission, any failures or deaths possibly waiting for them at the board.

“Good call.. Help asari, piss of the kett…”She nearly smiled when she moved around. “very cathartic…” And then it came, Sarissa’s name appeared in connection with the whole situation. _She surely had a plan… she wrote the manual… she was a legend… she’ll have a plan._ It was hard to believe that Sarissa was a mortal being and not a Goddess herself. Sara opened her mouth to say something but Kallo finally detected the vessel. The time of truth was there to be revealed.

“Reading life signs… minimal power… multiple breaches… she’s a wreck.” Cora said, still holding onto her cool and harmonised nature. Sara concentrated her strength into her face to keep it neutral and emotionless. She didn’t wanted Cora to notice her doubt.

“If she’s spaceworthy and her crew’s alive, that’s all we need.” It was a lie in a way and at the same time wasn’t. She just couldn’t let Cora feel the opposite. Sara couldn’t let this mission end up as the Salarian Ark. Her crew was the most important for her. Cora smiled and Sara directed the Tempest to Leusinia.

“Get ready… 10 minutes” Sara looked at Cora and she nodded. Sara guided her steps towards armoury to prepare and check everything for the last time. Who she found was Peebee waiting there with hands filled with Sara’s favourite weapons and smiling.

“Hey cutie… these are yours. With this pace, we’ll be late.” Sara was surprised but returned the smile. She let Peebee handing her one weapon per one and attaching it to her armour.

“I’m glad you’re joining us on this one. I have a feeling that a ship full of biotics is not really enough for what is waiting for us there.” Said Sara and attached an Asari sword to her waist. She felt is as symbolic gesture to use this katana looking like weapon on this mission.

“Naah, we’ll be fine. You’ll get cover from me and Cora. We’ll make sure you don’t die this time.” Said she seriously and Sara just silently nodded. She just loved the Tempest women. No one could really mess up with them.

***

The Ark was a mess. Traces of a heavy fighting was all around and Sara was happy for a helmet to hide her face from Cora or anyone. Those few steps towards closed doors reaching Sarissa and the Captain Atandra felt like miles far. Kett… who else could leave such a mess.

“If the Tempest looked like this, how would you feel?” These words resonated in Sara’s mind. Captain was careful and Cora stayed professional, but she was sure that seeing Leusinia like this hurt her in a way. The strong and powerful Asari smashed by the hostile race, it was surely not a nice thing to see. Maybe being vented away was not such a bad idea at all.

“But you’d vent a Pathfinder team into space?” There she was. Cora’s role-model arguing with the captain of the ship, Atandra. It reminded Sara of the same arguments Alec had with the Hyperion captain. The priorities were always set differently for Pathfinders and captains as it seemed.

“Respectfully, yes. We can’t take any more chances!.” Said the Captain and Sara felt like wanted to grin. The idea was in a way morbidly funny one. So she coughed and got Sarissa’s attention. Cora got rid of her helmet and Sara followed the example. Peebee stayed as a silent observer.

“Sarissa Theris. Pathfinder. Don’t mind the captain. Scolding me eases her blood pressure.” And there was that something which alarmed Ryder’s sixth sense again. It turned out that Matriarch Ishara was dead and Sarissa followed the line the same way as Sara did after her father. Cora presented her knowledge of the manuals and hierarchy which seemed amazed Sarissa, but avoided Atandra’s attention. The world manual even made her face more angry than before.

“Matriarch Ishara is dead. Sarissa was next in line and those battle manuals haven’t kept the kett of MY ark.” Cora looked down, embarrassed and nervous. Sara could finally see that. The training was not welcomed, words were useless and many lives were in stake. Again. Sara wanted to assure this captain, or maybe Cora more, that they really came to save the day, that human Pathfinder was a solution for everything. It just, she couldn’t really do it. Sara learned that this position was too much based on sacrificed on many different levels and her response reflected it.

“Let’s see how we can clean this mess together, captain.” It was time to focus on the mission, on the facts and find out what was really the situation with the Ark.

“Matriarch Ishara died, trying to negotiate with those kett bastards. So I took something precious from them, too. I stole a module containing tactical data. All their secrets routes through this phenomenon.” Said Sarissa. Negotiation failed, but they managed to recover useful intel on the Source. It was truly raising the chances for any of their ships to avoid kett or to move through the Scourge. Matriarch reminded Sara of Liam, when he tried to believe kett could be allied, talked to… They learned fast from a safe position it was not a case and Archon was an authoritarian ass only existing to show his dominance to everyone around. Would her father try to negotiate when a chance appeared? Would he shoot first? She didn’t know. Now it proved once again that death could meet her behind every corner with every wrong or miscalculated decision. And then, Cora would exchange her, take her position and SAM in order to finish the main mission they had. To bring everybody home.

There was another problem as Cpt Atandra pointed out. Valiant, Archon’s dog was on their trace, trying to take revenge on their rude action stealing the intel. He wanted to kill them all, and they were unsuccessful to avoid him, or escape far enough. Captain made clear the intel was not important for her as the damage the ship took everytime they escaped Valiant. This was something Sara fought about with the Tann before and other Nexus authorities, when trying to explain them the importance of long-term plans and hardship of immediate decisions in tiresome attempts to minimize the sacrifices in order to save more than losing them. She was unable to make this decision when she let Kalinda live and chose Peebee over a tech which could give them better control over the Remnants. It was very hard decision to make and Sarissa had her respect for crossing this line against the belief of more around her, to give her people better chances.

“Pathfinders have to take risks, Captain. I’ve taken my share.” She needed to defend Sarissa then, she could understand the weight on one’s shoulder. It turned out that the mission got more complicated. Getting rid of Valiant was not the only problem. But the ship lost its juice to move and cut any possible means of escape. The drive’s core was death.

They were about to divide. Sarissa’s task was to decipher data for a later escape and Ryder’s team was to back up the investigations of the Core.

“Pffft. First rule: always know your escape plan.” Said Peebee which made Sara to look at her with raised eyebrows. Peebee smirked and backed up as Sara’s face was truly amusing. After throwing them in the centre of volcano, Peebee was truly the last one to talk about prepared escape plans. In a way the reality of not having Kalinda showing up could have cost their lives.


End file.
